Search found 33 matches

by Woetrame
12 Oct 2013, 02:17
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: tanka
Replies: 9
Views: 7888

Re: tanka

Sorry Billy, My best works are those that were annihilated at birth. I'm sorry to have upset you like this. I crave criticism myself and sometimes and/or often, that comes across hurtfully. But I know how it feels to have your home ripped from under you, so I'll offer you this - I won't post here ag...
by Woetrame
12 Oct 2013, 00:37
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: tanka
Replies: 9
Views: 7888

Re: tanka

On the one side, what I said was meant in jest, on the flipside it was meant in jest because I didn't think you were serious about publishing it. I've never read Tanka, but I imagine if his/her poems were like this then he/she probably came up against a fair amount of opposition too. If you think yo...
by Woetrame
05 Oct 2013, 02:14
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Another sucky poem with a topical question...
Replies: 1
Views: 2819

Another sucky poem with a topical question...

WWI. I don't know how to put this succinctly; the idea is not complicated, but still we are cavemen in our ignorance: First there was tax; then more, then war. On foreign shores our brethren died, as fast as we could forward them. Driven into hostile lands upon ignoble chariots, or felled from the s...
by Woetrame
30 Sep 2013, 01:04
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: tanka
Replies: 9
Views: 7888

Re: tanka

I've probably said this before, but with a poem like this you can't ever hope to publish without proper punctuation and grammar.

Publishing might not be your aim, but that's what the forum says on the tin, and you didn't say otherwise.

So fuck your shitty poem!

Rah.
by Woetrame
28 Sep 2013, 00:58
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: A Study in Collapse
Replies: 6
Views: 7157

Re: A Study in Collapse

It's a bit me - I never read a famous poet. It is not a great poem, but I posted it anyway as a test or indicator if you like, taking the political temperature of this forum. In the poem "the machine" is any combination you like of a corrupt government, evil banks, other cliché corporations, and the...
by Woetrame
26 Sep 2013, 21:53
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The Stranger
Replies: 3
Views: 4328

Re: The Stranger

Bits of this remind me of a Johnny cash song, which could have been good, but other sections have a clumsier cadence. I didn't have much of an idea about the point of this story until the last two lines hinted at a father-sibling relationship between the subject and narrator, so I felt very little e...
by Woetrame
24 Sep 2013, 22:02
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Mother's Day
Replies: 8
Views: 7538

Re: Mother's Day

I've not read Williams or Ginsberg, in fact I read very little poetry at all; Most of the advice I give is learned from forums like this one. If you like Haiku, have you heard of Dolphin Trinary? Above & Below Fire is indiscriminate, dolphins excepted, laughingly. Sound-shadows of basking sharks dan...
by Woetrame
15 Sep 2013, 17:31
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The meaning of life
Replies: 8
Views: 7439

Re: The meaning of life

I like it!

"unconscious tingle" is especially nice, as is "Souring in passions the zenith of self; glimpsing one's heaven to take back to earth."
by Woetrame
07 Sep 2013, 02:54
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: F**K ME
Replies: 0
Views: 2338

F**K ME

F**K ME

I've seen genius
and I had no part i
n it; Genius ascends.

Perfection eluded it
seven out of five
times,

facepalms
win the day as often as
not;
five, out of whatever meter supposedly
allows.

A broken resolution
arises from ashes
in futile parody:

Fake me.
by Woetrame
07 Sep 2013, 02:42
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Mother's Day
Replies: 8
Views: 7538

Re: Mother's Day

Fix it? No! I could re-write it in perfect English but I could not retain your excellent story development. I'm not that good. Can I help you improve as a poet long-term? I hope so; not because I told you how to do it ~ Perhaps because I told you it was possible? You've already got one side down, an...
by Woetrame
04 Sep 2013, 00:53
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Mother's Day
Replies: 8
Views: 7538

Re: Mother's Day

Poetically there are a few things that could be improved here, but the story develops extremely well.
I wonder if I distil too much as you disseminate, and that a balance might be better struck somewhere in between?
by Woetrame
28 Aug 2013, 00:56
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Mind At War
Replies: 3
Views: 4573

Re: Mind At War

"Here, with my thoughts, lay the seed" doesn't really work - lies the seed, or lay the seeds. "winds that echoes" is a double plural that doesn't really work. You should review similar shifts throughout your poem. As you bend plurality so do you bend punctuation and grammar; a capital at the start o...
by Woetrame
23 Aug 2013, 23:10
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: #Paragon
Replies: 1
Views: 3089

#Paragon

#Paragon A Beacon finds itself, surrounded by turgid green slime; it's base as hateful as any, where one is to be found. I find myself become, said Beacon listing uneven; painful and torpid, thereby an equal. _________________________________________________ A somewhat paradoxical poem about the fo...
by Woetrame
06 Jul 2013, 04:14
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Dry Dock Road
Replies: 10
Views: 10440

Re: Dry Dock Road

When a poem is alone and is oblique then I will critique it as such. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately so, few are. I must confess a fair amount of my interpretations do transcend the poem(s) themselves, so as to involve my impressions of the author. Or in other words, If I respond to your one p...
by Woetrame
06 Jul 2013, 04:00
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Longplayer
Replies: 3
Views: 5342

Re: Longplayer

I am astounded.

This poem is wholly without any traditional merit, which I knew.

But I still love it.


Normally, I love, I post, it's slated, and I hate it.


Today... Not so much.

Very strange.
by Woetrame
29 May 2013, 01:06
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Longplayer
Replies: 3
Views: 5342

Longplayer

I've seen some strange things posted in my time and I generally destroy them. This is likely my turn to be destroyed. I watched a 15 minute educational video and peeled it apart in real-time to create a 'poem' or at least a work of literature, that is raw and unedited. As a classical poem it is stil...
by Woetrame
06 May 2013, 19:17
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: "tax man"
Replies: 3
Views: 4197

Re: "tax man"

I like this, and the 'judas jerk' is a fine phrase perfectly placed. In terms of interpretation I read that workers like us are the spiders and the snake is the tax man, but that's not an immediately obvious interpretation. Possibly consider changing 'the spider' to 'we spiders' plural. The referenc...
by Woetrame
29 Mar 2013, 03:23
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: [size=150]Purana Quila[/size]
Replies: 6
Views: 7631

Re: [size=150]Purana Quila[/size]

Is English your second language? If so this is an outstanding achievement because your rhyming and sibilance is so subtle as to be positively lulling. There is some tense shifting and grammatical free-licence, but nothing I haven't gotten away with myself as a native English speaker.
by Woetrame
29 Mar 2013, 03:15
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: New Poet Author
Replies: 2
Views: 3977

Re: New Poet Author

I'm link shy, why don't you post us your most popular poem?
by Woetrame
29 Mar 2013, 03:12
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: A Study in Collapse
Replies: 6
Views: 7157

A Study in Collapse

Hello readers - I'm not after a full critique, since it has obvious flaws I do not plan to revise, but I am trying to gauge how obvious or obscure I can be with a political poem. So, it would help me if you could say what you think 'The machine' might be in this case. A Study in Collapse So! The mac...
by Woetrame
29 Mar 2013, 03:01
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: the love terrorist
Replies: 5
Views: 6321

Re: the love terrorist

the love terrorist she said to me eternity that's what love is a long time love you long time? 5$ cliché without hate even longer than the tides going in and out You don't need to tell me tides go in and out; Trust the metaphor to convey the message. all is sand trickling through our fingers Grammat...
by Woetrame
29 Mar 2013, 02:42
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Dry Dock Road
Replies: 10
Views: 10440

Re: Dry Dock Road (I can Hear you all Groan)

OK I'll take another stab. You either went for emphasis and failed, or this is personal. I'm guessing personal, and in view of your earlier poem it could well be another dig, if slightly less obvious. I ride down the mist filled road to the sound of the morning tugs That pull unwilling vessels labo...
by Woetrame
29 Mar 2013, 02:25
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Rows of Unanswered Poems
Replies: 2
Views: 3468

Re: Rows of Unanswered Poems

Oh, this is a shame, I targeted you for critique but this is clearly not something you would ever intend to publish.

Instead you have my sympathies, and I'll look out for something else - Or PM me something you think was ignored.

I'm infrequent though, so don't expect speed.
by Woetrame
11 Mar 2013, 04:45
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: JOURNEY THROUGH SMOG
Replies: 5
Views: 6706

Re: JOURNEY THROUGH SMOG

we sit in the cab of a huge maroon kenworth semi-truck for hours we talk about life; the alchohol the women abortion and money the sun drops behind mountains of smog. . . then mile after mile as the windows freeze in beautiful designs we sit in silence This is how your poem reads. Either you use gra...

Go to advanced search