Carpathian Break - edit 1

[FrankDyer]

Our communal breath held
tight with the buckles
as the plane decended
in the Carpathian dusk
Sunlight glinting on titanium wings

We landed with a tremendous jolt
And were asked to clap the black pilot
For this undeniably hard landing
He grinned as we left his teeth shining
Daring us to complain

Cheap air travel comes at a cost
Security barked like dogs
as we panned out through
their tortuous processes
Has the iron curtain really come down?

Is the florint really a currancy
or are they just having a laugh
ten thousand buys a meal
of a sort, peasant fare
ofal with potatoes
why trim the fat on poor joints?

People react to a wave or a smile
with dead pans faces
don't they know they are free?
Sales staff bark like seals
at our infractions
No we can't laugh
Its not right

The lady in the sauna
waved her towel
fanning super heated steam
my way. I baked then roasted
and ran to the deep bath
Don't do it they cried
A near death experience

I found her sweet
as she guided me to the
relaxation room
Murmuring sweet nothings
at her brave
Her ever so brave

[penumbra]

Hi, Frank,

I make all sorts of mistakes, always hoping they will be called by peers, so, here, I start by noting that it should be 'descended', unless it is a word I do not know. I like the image of breath decending. Then, in the same stanza, last line, do you need to capitalize 'Sunlight'? And, it is a pretty redundant line - I would choose to keep either glints or shines on its wings - would also use 'descends' and stay in the present tense. OR, sunlight on its shining wings, if you wish to define the wings. The wings which, I suppose, imply Pegasus. Funny how many Pegasus mentions I have read online this time around. Oh, Carpathian, too, not Carparthian. (Too lazy with spelling - I really should not cater to you and make it easy). I have a problem with "our communal" because it could be anything - what community - to whom does 'our' refer?

Why 'little' car? A diminutive to indicate what? Is the car that important? Since you used 'our' above, why not just an article ('the') for 'the car'? "Slamming dung dit" ? What is 'dit' there? 'Drifting potholes'? Again, I do not think you need 'our' to define 'sweat' - who else is there, throughout the poem, anyway? 'slamming'.

"the fetid air" - ah, another thought I have read in other poems online, about now.

The tone of poems online has gone, widely, 'informative', which, would be okay, if only it were not its only apparent reason to be - this distresses me as a reader. This one falls into this annoying pattern. (I think I noted the same on Billy's last post, but it is a distinction I will now call 'fetid', and, Frank, this poem stinks!

Sorry (not really). Um, well, yes really, because I would like to see more effort to justify words like 'glistening' in a poem - I would like to see a poem glisten.

pen

[FrankDyer]

Ok, thanks...bad spelling is annoying.

Carpathian for carparthian

Descended for decended

I agree it's not a particularly or even a good poem.

But thanks for input Pen, most don't bother at all.

You are right to complain Pen, hit me hard...I think I can take it. Itried and found that I had not expressed myself properly. I have dropped the little fetid car completley, it is unimportant, I have added more deails as I know Mojave loves stories. I hope he's still out there somewhere.

[Bernie01]

Frank---

I champion you in this pom. Excellent opening, fast, visual and jolting.

first, original, original subject matter. much applause, there.

Second, the narrative flow, again modern and creative. a bit ragged like the disorienting trip itself.

Finally, the selected details---that pilot is great; the meal, and the deadpan faces...all a border for this dissent into a free micro stamp of the world.

the close, I would work to sharpen and mine for all the irony and poignancy the poem demands....think Lost In Translation. Academy award winning film in which an American makes a quick visit to japan and is staggered by all he finds.

sure, listen to comments here, but only small details that have little to do with the poem's soul.

congrats your poem, and Sivas are my running IBPC noms.


Bernie


(BTW I LOST YOUR E MAIL ADDRESS---PLEASE RESEND)

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Bernie

Looking back it doesn't seem too bad now.

I do need a sharper ending, I will think about it.

I will contact you.