on reading Hemingway's the garden of eden

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OCTOGENARIAN
Posts: 78
Joined: 01 Nov 2008, 02:14

on reading Hemingway's the garden of eden

#1 Post by OCTOGENARIAN » 31 Jul 2012, 01:17

"The bull wasn't doing anyone any harm and now we've tracked him to where he came to see his dead friend and now were going to kill him."-ernest hemingway

I was abandoned in the heat
owing a cab driver 22 bucks for a fare he said would only cost 7
no one helped me
they would not part with the few dollars I needed
to keep me from having to deal with the police
all anyone did
was make me beg in the streets
with all dignity missing in my sweat covered shirt

when I started reading more of the garden of eden the next day
I thought all sadness was driven deep inside of my lungs
and all that was left of me was a cool, numb mass of human flesh

in the not too distant past,
I would have shared the black water
that quickly filled my every bone
after reading the passage
but the excerpt was too holy
too exploding in decay
too filled with the drizzle of dreamlike melancholy
to share with you

I found you inside
curled up in a ball of your own wallowing satisfaction
reading something you had written to God about your pain
although nothing had really happened to you in the last 24 hours

and I thought,
that's the difference between her and I
though I was just taken to the tracks of complete desolation
I could still feel for a couple of elephants in africa that lived over 90 years ago
while she only stares at her little tears and her pride
in that disgusting mirror
of the self

link to my website where you can purchase a copy of my first collection of poems lapping water-http://lappingwater.weebly.com/

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: on reading Hemingway's the garden of eden

#2 Post by FrankDyer » 04 Aug 2012, 21:32

"The bull wasn't doing anyone any harm and now we've tracked him to where he came to see his dead friend and now were going to kill him."-ernest hemingway

[if you intend to honour Hemingway why wouldn't you use convention and print his names as most do with capital letters? Ernest Hemingway, is it modern to drop capital letterss? I don't think many would agree with you, or is it laziness?]

[Capital letters for a title]

I was abandoned in the heat [strike 'in the heat' does it matter it was hot?]
owing a cab driver 22 bucks for a fare he said would only cost 7
no one helped me
they would not part with the few dollars I needed
to keep me from having to deal with the police
all anyone did
was make me beg in the streets
with all dignity missing in my sweat covered shirt [sweat conveys heat or a hot country]

when I started reading more of the garden of eden the next day [capital letter for Eden]
I thought all sadness was driven deep inside of my lungs
and all that was left of me was a cool, numb mass of human flesh [why suddenly cool?]

in the not too distant past,
I would have shared the black water
that quickly filled my every bone
after reading the passage
but the excerpt was too holy
too exploding in decay
too filled with the drizzle of dreamlike melancholy
to share with you

I found you inside
curled up in a ball of your own wallowing satisfaction
reading something you had written to God about your pain
although nothing had really happened to you in the last 24 hours

and I thought,
that's the difference between her and I [you and me?]
though I was just taken to the tracks of complete desolation
I could still feel for a couple of elephants in africa that lived over 90 years ago
while she only stares at her little tears and her pride
in that disgusting mirror
of the self

Didn't do much for me, sounds a bit of a moan. Might mean something to some. Fairly well written, I personally prefer to write numbers like 'nine' rather than '9'. I don't see you writing critiques often and hardly you ever thank people who critique your work. Are you too noble for all that convention?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: on reading Hemingway's the garden of eden

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 07 Aug 2012, 09:47

"The bull wasn't doing anyone any harm and now we've tracked him to where he came to see his dead friend and now were going to kill him."-(E)ernest (H)hemingway


when I started reading more of the garden of (E)eden
[the next day,]I thought all sadness
was driven deep inside of my lungs;
[and] all that was left of me was a cool
numb mass of human flesh.

In the not too distant past,
I would have shared the black water
that quickly filled my every bone
after reading the passage
but the excerpt was too holy
too exploding in decay
too filled with the drizzle of dreamlike melancholy
to share with you

I found you inside
curled up in a ball of your own
wallowing satisfaction, reading something
you had written to God about your pain
although nothing had really happened to you.
[in the last [24] hours’]

I thought that's the difference between [ her ] you and [ I]me
though I was just taken to the tracks of complete desolation
I could still feel for a couple of elephants in A[a]frica
(your)[her] little tears and [her]your pride
in that disgusting mirror of the self.

The poem ends here.

I was abandoned in the heat
owing a cab driver 22 bucks for a fare he said would only cost 7
no one helped me
they would not part with the few dollars I needed
to keep me from having to deal with the police
all anyone did
was make me beg in the streets
with all dignity missing in my sweat covered shirt

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: on reading Hemingway's the garden of eden

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 09 Jul 2017, 04:18

O---


first three lines, then get out of town.


the rest is telly, overblown and just plain....uneventfull.


bernie

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