"magian"

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Michael (MV)
Posts: 1702
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

"magian"

#1 Post by Michael (MV) » 27 Jan 2013, 06:00

 
Nativity


the gift that is never wrapped up
free from captivity
of packaging

the gift that keeps giving
to receive longevity

I am with you . . .
all ways of activity

that gift with that kind of intensity
that is forever present
ever ready to deliver


Creativity



 
 
 
 
 
 

richardc
Posts: 3
Joined: 28 Jan 2013, 01:22

Re: "magian"

#2 Post by richardc » 28 Jan 2013, 01:39

Never stops giving, but may vary in quality.

"The gift that is never wrapped up
free from captivity
of packaging."

The lack of punctuation and syntax in this first stanza
makes the reader (this one anyway) stumble.

Maybe something like:

The gift that is never wrapped,
free from packaging's
captivity.

Just a thought. Cheers, RC

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: "magian"

#3 Post by FrankDyer » 11 Mar 2013, 02:16

Very good.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: "magian"

#4 Post by Woetrame » 11 Mar 2013, 04:26

Your skills are evident, but you're abusing poetic form to avoid punctuation. That's OK provided you CAN punctuate, IF you want to. But I'm new here and I don't know how skilled you are, so I have to assume that you can learn something: If you do have anything left to learn, then basic grammar is never a bad place to start.

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