Surrogate

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Surrogate

#1 Post by Woetrame » 12 Feb 2013, 04:42

Surrogate

I am confused by this new source of sustenance,
maybe it merits my reprieve, perhaps not.
Now I drop everything and stand up and sit down
and I frown because I need it but I don't.
So I go to the toilet instead but Nothing comes out.
I walk away half-dressed without the will
to button-up, so I sit down instead again.
I think about raiding the fridge
but I know there's nothing in it.
Nothing begins and Nothing is left.
Rampant inhalation with its blue glow
pays all I know to so much smoke.


I'm new and I expect you to hurt me, so please don't hold back.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1702
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Surrogate

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 12 Feb 2013, 20:05

Welcome Woetrame :)


Upon a 1st read thru:

This line really resonates with this reader-writer:

"Nothing begins and Nothing is left."

the Universal chord - echoes of ashes to ashes, dust to dust


^^ thus could br read/viewed as a Vanitas poem


I like the title, and it prompts me to suggest that a variation of the phrase
"takes the place of" could be scripted in. A couple of workshop studies:

Nothing begins and nothing is left.
Nothing takes the place of nothing.


Nothing begins and nothing is left
taking the place of nothing



Formally: Although 12 lines, the poem articulates sonnet-like.


And it's help, not "hurt" - that's what workshops are for

8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 

 
 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Surrogate

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Feb 2013, 21:59

Hi Woetrame

I like this line

'Rampant inhalation with its blue glow', but then again the next line throws me off. There are too many ‘I’s and it is a burden.try striking out the I’s first and also the ,’so’s,’ it will be helpful.

What is the need to capitalize this ‘nothing’?

'So I go to the toilet instead but Nothing comes out.'

The title is good.I do not think there is a need to say you are confused,you have shown it.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Surrogate

#4 Post by FrankDyer » 11 Mar 2013, 02:25

It is a poem, did nothing for me. We don't just want to hurt you, the pain and suffering are just by-products of our resposes. I hope this did not hurt too much.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: Surrogate

#5 Post by Woetrame » 11 Mar 2013, 04:05

Thanks Frank, possibly the most honest response I've ever received. Stick around.

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