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Posted: 12 Feb 2013, 04:42
by Woetrame

I am confused by this new source of sustenance,
maybe it merits my reprieve, perhaps not.
Now I drop everything and stand up and sit down
and I frown because I need it but I don't.
So I go to the toilet instead but Nothing comes out.
I walk away half-dressed without the will
to button-up, so I sit down instead again.
I think about raiding the fridge
but I know there's nothing in it.
Nothing begins and Nothing is left.
Rampant inhalation with its blue glow
pays all I know to so much smoke.

I'm new and I expect you to hurt me, so please don't hold back.

Re: Surrogate

Posted: 12 Feb 2013, 20:05
by Michael (MV)
Welcome Woetrame :)

Upon a 1st read thru:

This line really resonates with this reader-writer:

"Nothing begins and Nothing is left."

the Universal chord - echoes of ashes to ashes, dust to dust

^^ thus could br read/viewed as a Vanitas poem

I like the title, and it prompts me to suggest that a variation of the phrase
"takes the place of" could be scripted in. A couple of workshop studies:

Nothing begins and nothing is left.
Nothing takes the place of nothing.

Nothing begins and nothing is left
taking the place of nothing

Formally: Although 12 lines, the poem articulates sonnet-like.

And it's help, not "hurt" - that's what workshops are for


Michael (MV)



Re: Surrogate

Posted: 17 Feb 2013, 21:59
by SivaRamanathan
Hi Woetrame

I like this line

'Rampant inhalation with its blue glow', but then again the next line throws me off. There are too many ‘I’s and it is a burden.try striking out the I’s first and also the ,’so’s,’ it will be helpful.

What is the need to capitalize this ‘nothing’?

'So I go to the toilet instead but Nothing comes out.'

The title is good.I do not think there is a need to say you are confused,you have shown it.

Re: Surrogate

Posted: 11 Mar 2013, 02:25
by FrankDyer
It is a poem, did nothing for me. We don't just want to hurt you, the pain and suffering are just by-products of our resposes. I hope this did not hurt too much.

Re: Surrogate

Posted: 11 Mar 2013, 04:05
by Woetrame
Thanks Frank, possibly the most honest response I've ever received. Stick around.