Dry Dock Road

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FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Dry Dock Road

#1 Post by FrankDyer » 11 Mar 2013, 02:11

Again I ride the mist filled roads
to the sounds of the morning tugs
that pull unwilling vessels laboriously
against the turning tide.

My wheels crincle along with
the ripple of the hard rubber bands
that circle my metal tinned wheels.
My senses assailed by the pungent
odour of the sewer outlet

I muse on the day set before me
as Cliff punches me in with
his 7.30 stamp and a smile
at the end of the Dry Dock Road.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: Dry Dock Road (I can Hear you all Groan)

#2 Post by Woetrame » 11 Mar 2013, 04:34

Why is the first word of the third line of each stanza capitalized without there being any full stops? Why are there only two full stops and no commas in this entire poem? If you can answer those questions without guilt, then answer them, else don't bother. Poetry CAN circumvent traditional memes, but it's not a shortcut past them.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Dry Dock Road (I can Hear you all Groan)

#3 Post by FrankDyer » 11 Mar 2013, 18:46

Why indeeed?

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: Dry Dock Road (I can Hear you all Groan)

#4 Post by Woetrame » 29 Mar 2013, 02:42

OK I'll take another stab. You either went for emphasis and failed, or this is personal. I'm guessing personal, and in view of your earlier poem it could well be another dig, if slightly less obvious.

I ride down the mist filled road to the sound of the morning tugs That pull unwilling vessels laboriously against the turning tide.

I'm sensing an uphill struggle and the burdens of a mule.

My wheels crincle along with the ripple of the hard rubber bands My senses assailed by the pungent odour of the sewer outlet

I doubt crincle is a word and the jump to rubber bands falls well outside of your initial metaphors, making this line seem like a deliberate 'phishing' attempt for fools in my mind.

I muse on my day before me As Cliff punches me in with his 7.30 stamp and smiles at the end of the Dry Dock road.

Is Cliff a real person or is he/it symptomatic of a 'Sunday Christian only' on the poetry board? At least we're back to a semblance of metaphor sufficient to prove that this poem is beneath you.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Dry Dock Road

#5 Post by FrankDyer » 13 May 2013, 15:05

Woetrame, I can see you have put some work into this. I don't get 'dig' in the first line of your critique. 'Crincle' is not a regular word I agree, it is a word that I had intended to break to the mind of the reader a sound of the spokes that make that metalic tingle as the wheels turn round. I don't get 'Sunday only Christian' on the board? I take your critisism gratefully.

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Re: Dry Dock Road

#6 Post by judyt547 » 14 Jun 2013, 04:14

i thought the idea was to crit the poem not the poet.

sometimes line breaks are used in free verse to indicate breath stops.
I will agree that they could be better used here. Frank, if you choose
to use breath stops, use them the way you would use a rhyme scheme:
consistently and with care. Same goes for end punctuation. you can use
full stops or let the poem suggest full stops by turning the stanzas into
unpunctuated sentences.

As to capitilization, the way you're using it here makes no sense. Either use it
regluarly or don't use it at all.

"I ride down the mist filled road
to the sound of morning tugs
as they pull unwilling vessels
against the turning tide"

"I ride down the mist filled road
to the sound of the morning tugs
That pull unwilling vessels laboriously
against the turning tide."

laboriously is suggested by 'unwilling'
That does not need a capital
and the entire stanza can stand on its own
without a smidge of punctuation. Line breaks
suggest breath.

id be tempted to not use that second stanza at
all. Im not sure what relevance it has, anyway.
Everything in a poem should have one focus, and this
draws the focus and the eye well away from where you
might be going.

"I muse on the day ahead
as Cliff punches me in with
his 7.30 stamp and smiles
at the end of Dry Dock road"

I muse on my day before me
As Cliff punches me in with
his 7.30 stamp and smiles
at the end of the Dry Dock road.

too many personal pronouns clutter.
no need for As to take a capital.
if Dry Dock is the name of the road,
then you don't need "the" and possibly
Road should be capitalized too.
no period.

Having said all that, now i wonder what this poem
is actually for. what does it tell us, what are you
actually saying that we want to know? Can you flesh it
out with a few words to give it some relevance?

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Dry Dock Road

#7 Post by FrankDyer » 05 Jul 2013, 18:21

Thanks very much for your reply. It is a poem I have been working on for several years. It is personal, yes and it is an echo of the past turning through my mind. It represents a journey and that journey is the start of my life. I could explain it in great detail and fill pages of what it means, but it is a poem that you need to soak in for maybe a life time before it means anything. No one else gave it much time and you did so thank you again.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: Dry Dock Road

#8 Post by Woetrame » 06 Jul 2013, 04:14

When a poem is alone and is oblique then I will critique it as such.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately so, few are.

I must confess a fair amount of my interpretations do transcend the poem(s) themselves, so as to involve my impressions of the author.

Or in other words, If I respond to your one poem, I probably read your last 5 posts as well.

Sometimes this is helpful, other times not, but I don't feel immediately bad about critiquing a poet.

Thoughts?

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Dry Dock Road

#9 Post by FrankDyer » 13 Jul 2013, 00:51

I thought it was a good poem.

IapCharon
Posts: 17
Joined: 13 Jul 2013, 06:08

Re: Dry Dock Road

#10 Post by IapCharon » 14 Jul 2013, 03:11

Dear Frank...please consider:

[Again] I ride the mist [filled roads]
to the sounds of [the] morning(.) [tugs
[that pull] (U)nwilling [vessels] (ships) [laboriously] (pull)
against the [turning] tide.
[/b]
My wheels crin[c](k)le along with
the ripple of the hard rubber bands
that circle my metal
[tinned] wheels[.]
[My senses assailed by] (around) [the] pungent
[odour of the] sewers(s) [outlet]

the day [set] (spread out) before me
[as Cliff punches me in with
his 7.30 stamp and a smile]
(like an eagle scanning the seas) {/ similar} -
(I punch in) at the end {lb}
of the Dry Dock
[Road].

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Dry Dock Road

#11 Post by FrankDyer » 12 Aug 2013, 01:03

Thanks Iap
I will look at your helpful comments, welcome to this poetry site hope you enjoy. Thanks for the effort put in on this tiny work.

Frank

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