New York Pitch Conference Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, and Poetry Forums

the love terrorist(revision#2)

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

the next day
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap
you to me
end it right there


the love terrorist(revision)

I can stay under water
for only so long

I can fly
in my dreams
now if I could only
fly into yours

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

the next day
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap
you to me
end it right there



the love terrorist

she said to me eternity
that's what love is
a long time

without hate
even longer
than the tides going
in and out

all is sand
trickling through
our fingers

I can stay under water
for only so long

I can fly
in my dreams
now if I could only
fly into yours

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

the next day
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap you
to me
end it right there

Hi Billy.

The Terrorist of Love - I'm hearing Steve Miller's "some call me 'the gangster of love' "


From here down is good poetry writing, and skillfully treatment of the metaphor:

I can stay under water
for only so long

I can fly
in my dreams
now if I could only
fly into yours

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

the next morning
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap you
to me
end it right there

^^ good close - fulfilment of the extended metaphor


The 1st 3 stanzas are rather familiar, esp the tides & sand. How needed are they; how much of them?

she said to me
that's what love is
a long time

without hate
even longer

I can stay under water
for only so long


Billy, good to read & workshop your poem



Michael (MV)

 
 
 

Thanks, Michael, you're so write. The first part of the poem was like priming the pump. It is superfluous and cliche. I've lopped it off.

Hi Billy,

I need to clarify, please:

given near the close:

"the next morning
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself"


^^ I'm suggesting to retain what she asserts initially(and I have workshop modified the wording):

she said to me
that's what love is
a long time

without war
the peace even longer


^^ this in the course - the next morning - becomes contradicted:


"the next morning
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself"


thus prompting the terrorist of love:

I wanted to strap
you to me
end it right there


Keats' "Grecian Urn" poem is referencing.

Then the lyric: I just died in your arms tonight.



Michael (MV)

 

 

Billy wrote:Thanks, Michael, you're so write. The first part of the poem was like priming the pump. It is superfluous and cliche. I've lopped it off.

Billy,
I enjoyed the revised version because you are able to connect emotionally I also love the metaphor usage.

the love terrorist

she said to me eternity
that's what love is
a long time

love you long time? 5$ cliché

without hate
even longer
than the tides going
in and out

You don't need to tell me tides go in and out; Trust the metaphor to convey the message.

all is sand
trickling through
our fingers

Grammatically I don't like it, and as a metaphor for the passage of time it is an absolute cliché, but if you're not at the publishing stage yet then don't let that bother you.

I can stay under water
for only so long
Again cliché

I can fly
in my dreams
now if I could only
fly into yours

More clichés

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

There's some intimacy here but you could intensify that dramatically with a little insight, such as what was she still dreaming of? By knowing what she's thinking it conveys more of a relationship between you, and could discretely add to the narrative.

the next day
you said love
can't last

A predictable Volta, but the shoe doeth fit.

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap you
to me
end it right there

Ending a poem for me is generally harder than starting one, and ending on an ending as you did here is a witty twist I can imagine you worked at. But, it is not in keeping with the sensetive tones of your earlier work, to the point that it seems more 'out of place' than a slight jolt.

Please feel free to take what I say with a pinch of salt, as I'm more than a little rocky myself.