Ocean

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
antara26
Posts: 1
Joined: 20 Mar 2013, 11:45

Ocean

#1 Post by antara26 » 20 Mar 2013, 11:54

Ocean, be so deep
Come evening
This surface so still
Belies your turmoil below.
Let no eyes ever seek,
That unbecoming
Chill, which dances
In agony, across
Your dewy brow.

Let no passing encounters,
Gauge your profound depth
Or intrude into your waters
for treasures you have kept

Ocean, be not shallow
Nor visibly grieve,
Nor wear your beating heart
Upon your sentient sleeve.
Let your sublime sorrows
Sink, beneath
Your turning tide,
Dissipate in invisible ink,
With secrets that you hide.

Be so vast, each drop
contains a heart. Each heart,
A part, of you in me
And me in you.

Ocean, be so whole,
No seafarers
Ever be blind,
To the completeness
Of your soul.
Your blissfulness,
Fills the world
When you let go,
You leave the pain behind

You, who has swallowed,
Each storm in your way,
Now tread, with this joy,
With calm in your wake.

IapCharon
Posts: 17
Joined: 13 Jul 2013, 06:08

Re: Ocean

#2 Post by IapCharon » 08 Aug 2013, 00:15

Hello Antara,

I bring this up as your piece was deservedly noticed but somehow not commented upon....based on my read, this is what I see in this piece...for you to consider:

[Ocean, be so deep
Come evening
This surface so still
Belies your turmoil below.]
Let no eyes ever seek,
That [unbecoming]
Chill, which dances
[In agony,] across
Your [dewy brow] (face).

Let no (one) passing encounters,
Gauge your [profound] depth
Or
[intrude] (step) into your [waters
for] treasures [you have kept]

[Ocean, be not shallow
Nor visibly grieve,
Nor wear your beating heart
Upon your sentient sleeve.]
Let your [sublime] sorrows
Sink, [beneath] (in to)
Your
[turning tide,
Dissipate in [invisible] (secret) ink,
[With secrets that you hide.]

[Be so vast, each drop
contains a heart. Each heart,
A part, of you in me
And me in you.

[Ocean, be so whole,
No seafarers
Ever be blind,
To the completeness
Of] (Let your soul[.
Your blissfulness,]
Fill(s) the [world
When you let go,
You leave the] pain behind

You, who has (in what you) swallowed,
Each storm in your way,
Now tread, with this joy,
With calm in your wake.

Good work. IC

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Ocean

#3 Post by FrankDyer » 12 Aug 2013, 01:14

Rich in unnecessary metaphors that jangle like a cheap ride on a funfair. If you wish to be profound about the ocean and it power its ability to transform us into adoring worshipers of salt and sound, and waves that crash and break.. of depths beyond our ken may I suggest a simpler approach.

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”