A Study in Collapse

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

A Study in Collapse

#1 Post by Woetrame » 29 Mar 2013, 03:12

Hello readers - I'm not after a full critique, since it has obvious flaws I do not plan to revise, but I am trying to gauge how obvious or obscure I can be with a political poem. So, it would help me if you could say what you think 'The machine' might be in this case.



A Study in Collapse

So!

The machine can not create itself
or walk without us
in and of itself.

Yes!

The machine has skyscraper eyes
that gleam in the sun
and the stars alike.

And!

The machine grants the wishes
of fishers by trawling nett
beneath red-lines.

No!

The machine is not immune
to climate change
and woes.

But!

The machine has found amnesia
and has freed itself
from those.

Now!

The machine can afford to fail
the earth it serves
ostensibly.

Oops!

The machine has skin of vault
and so it is picked upon
to be so closed!

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: A Study in Collapse

#2 Post by Billy » 30 Mar 2013, 00:00

I could guess, but the poem doesn't really seem political. The statement being made seems too broad. There's no clear punch to it.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: A Study in Collapse

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 31 Mar 2013, 21:22

Woetrame,

re your question/concer: to me it's more poem than politic



7 ways of looking at the machine

Are we the machine?

machines are Us(a)

clean machine
meran machine

Frankenstein's monster was a machine
God created us human(e)
not machinery


Peter Gabriel: "I walked right out of the machinery"


delete the exclamatories between the 7 ways of looking at the machinery


8)

Michael (MV)

 

 

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: A Study in Collapse

#4 Post by FrankDyer » 13 May 2013, 15:19

If this poem is punched as a series of statements that we are asked to accept as profound and axiomatic then there is a problem as some of the statements don't hold true and some even seem contradictory. The title tells us little and the end word is confusing, 'oops' is meant to be funny or does it indicate the machine falling over? I am not sure. The opening word is as vague 'So!'

The second line states the obvious and yet there are machine that make other machine and so I suppose can make imitations of the same machine. The first stanza is provoking us to accept that a machine has a self and that it can make machine if only it knew how. We know machine cannot think per se as human being but are designed to follow logic boards designed by humans.

The other stanzas are as vague and don't tell us much that would hearten us or ever bring some joy into our lives, it doesn't tell a story, something we can enjoy. But, as Michalel said earlier, it is a poem. To me, and I may be wrong, the most jarring word of all in this attempt is 'ostensibly'.

ednamode
Posts: 13
Joined: 08 Sep 2013, 01:41

Re: A Study in Collapse

#5 Post by ednamode » 16 Sep 2013, 01:30

Is this a bit Orwellian?

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: A Study in Collapse

#6 Post by Woetrame » 28 Sep 2013, 00:58

It's a bit me - I never read a famous poet. It is not a great poem, but I posted it anyway as a test or indicator if you like, taking the political temperature of this forum. In the poem "the machine" is any combination you like of a corrupt government, evil banks, other cliché corporations, and the 1%. I figured "The machine grants the wishes of fishers by trawling net beneath red-lines." would point anyone who was uncertain in the right direction, since 'nett' is a financial term, giving context to 'redline'. I have the impression that people on this forum don't dig too much into the meaning of any given poem, because the member base is not yet fully established and that particular bar has yet to be set.

I've seen poets and artists in the (distant) past pick up on undercurrent trends in opposition to the MSM. It is clear to me that similar circumstances to Weimar are reoccurring now, and with the freedom and speed of information available since the internet, I had expected the literary community to be on-trend ahead of time. Instead it seems the opposite is true, since 99% of the spam we receive is now government controlled propaganda.

If you'd like to know more, check out Mike Maloney's hidden secrets of money on youtube. Even if you don't want to know more, think about what effect your own poems might have on the world. None at all? It was not always the case.

Or if you want to stick to poetry and skip the economics degree, try this monogram: http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/literacynu ... hughes.pdf

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: A Study in Collapse

#7 Post by FrankDyer » 30 Sep 2013, 16:29

Its still a stinky poem Woetrame!

Post Reply