Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

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ichiozi1
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Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#1 Post by ichiozi1 » 01 May 2013, 04:55

Once

Once I was a dreamer
Once I tried to be seen, but hid from view,
Once I tried to be heard, but my voice could not breach the storm i conjured,
Once I tried to share, but realised i had nothing to give but my world.
Once I tried to inhabit peace but realised i had no piece of my own,
Once I tried to be fake to find something real within our lie,

Once I died,
Once I survived the fall, and getting back on my feet I cried to our Creator,
Once I envisioned all my life as a stifled flame. Faint, fragile yet fortuitous.
Once I lived in comparison of your greatness, and saw that we are all Gods,
Once I saw your truth guised as a shroud called justice.
Once I saw that truth is equilateral, but we as man, are not.

Once I was mistaken.
Once I suffered the ills of prejudice, and felt isolated in a world brimming with colours and connectivity.
Once I let love rule me, yet I found no love by love alone.
Once I believed I had exposed love, but found only my reflection
Once I let weakness be the cause of my self betrayal,
Once I let greed disfigure me, green my aura glowed,
Once I burnt you with the tip of my lust, now you wince at my touch and pleading
Once I sought grace and found karma,

Once I was empty,
Once I forgot my heart, and was refused due pain,
Once I prayed that I, a mortal sinner would understand my brother,
Once I wished their downfall, and was lost along the clearest of paths
Once I stood at minds end craving the void,
Once I drowned, but never did I swim there,

Once I was yours,
Once I regretted not stealing a kiss as i held you,
Once and once only I gave her shame, a fruit bore rotten and seedless,
Once I pitied you, knowing not that I was the weaker being,
Once I saw the spirit in you, and I was moved.
Once I had the answer but did not listen to your question,
Once I questioned the answer but did not  fully understand the laws binding it,

Once was enough.
Once I saw that to not be beautiful is to not be ugly,
Once I remembered my task, but fear was all around and subdued me,
Once I wrote down all I thought I had once done, 
Only to find that by the morrow I had more to write once again,

ICHIÖŻI

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Billy
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Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#2 Post by Billy » 03 May 2013, 02:09

This is a list poem, which is hard to do, especially with all the repetition. I would rewrite this without all the "I" and "Once". Also, I would eliminate the poetic language like: "by the morrow", "green my aura glowed".

I think you have a lot to say and might want to focus more on showing rather than telling, which I'm sure you've heard before, we all struggle with it, some more than others. Look into writing haiku. I did and it helped me focus on nature and objects rather than myself, yet I came out within the haiku. A real haiku captures a moment in time, or more correctly, out of time, if it is good.

Have you been writing long? You have some talent and something to say, but you'll need to work on avoided cliche and abstract ideas. You need more images that say what you are now saying abstractly. Read good poets, see how they do it. Then write differently than you usually write. It will be hard, but eventually, your style will emerge improved by more showing than telling. Your poems will have more lasting impact.

Look at Siva's poem just posted. She has lots of details. Those details in life are what make for good poems. It's often the little details that evoke and symbolize the bigger life issues and questions.

FrankDyer
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Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#3 Post by FrankDyer » 13 May 2013, 15:55

Starting each line with 'Once I' is not uniques and facinatingly clever, it is to me boring and mindlessly repetetive. If you did that one thing and cut out those extraneous words it would immediately look better and would read better.
You play with words, either carelesly or is it a deliberate attempt to be clever:
L4 I had nothing to give but my world (word?)
L5 h...inhabit peace...but had no piece (peace?)

As Billy said, you have some good in this poem and you may develop. Possibly you could cut out half the words and inprove this poem. Cut out the flowery poetic descriptions go for short sharp.

the one line I liked was the regret of the not stealing a kiss... now all of us can identify with that. Its not earth shaking, clever but it rignt true and that is what poets do, yes?

ichiozi1
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Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#4 Post by ichiozi1 » 11 Jun 2013, 04:18

Lol, um thanks frank. Your critique was compelling. Billy Haiku doesn't interest me to be honest. Point noted on "cliche", but abstract is my extract on life so cant do someone else's style. I'm a hip hop writer/fanatic so i'm usually swayed by rhyme and gritty realism/topic. I tried to veer away from my influences, be less formulaic and create a dialogue between my emotions and my pragmatic mind. This was the task.

'Once I' is not uniques and facinatingly clever, it is to me boring and mindlessly repetative.' Thats the whole point frank...Do you recall yourself in pretty words when trying to remember your journey? NO!

Sorry for the horrendously late response, I couldn't find my password had to reset. I appreciate the time you both took to 'guide' me on my journey. 'Once' refined, it will be the basis of an street art project im working on with an anonymous art director, it's supposed to engage on any subjective level. So i tried to write personally and with MY whole world in mind.

blessings

IchiOzi

judyt547
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Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#5 Post by judyt547 » 14 Jun 2013, 01:14

This is, to be blunt, all cliche. the sing song repetition detracts from what might be a good poem--but only with a great deal of work.

Arguing with people who are trying to help is not the way to go, btw. I suspect you wanted us to tell you this was marvelous, don't change a thing, when what they are suggesting gently is scrap it and think about what you want to say and a way to say it that will connect with whoever reads it. There is no connection to anything in this that anyone can easily relate to.

List poems benefit greatly by some movement within the piece, rather than straight lists of "I did this and then I did that". Give it some reality, some feeling, over and above the concept words.

ichiozi1
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Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#6 Post by ichiozi1 » 14 Jun 2013, 01:27

Cheers Judy! Im stating my case not arguing a point but thanks also for your critique and point noted Judy. If it doesn't resonate with you then yes I have truly failed... This is the reality of the poem. Its not that I didn't hear or overstand the critique I chose to contest in light of the fact its my perception. That is all.

Blessings

Ichiozi

ichiozi1
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Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#7 Post by ichiozi1 » 14 Jun 2013, 01:33

Also look at the title, It says 'critique my poem'. I didn't want anyone to tell me it marvelous or anything of that nature. I came here on discovery and as negative and bitter as your response may be, I take it all with a smile.

Blessings Judy

Ichiozi

judyt547
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Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#8 Post by judyt547 » 14 Jun 2013, 01:42

ichiozi, you're a good sport. That's half the battle right there, isn't it. It also helps to read as much poetry from as many different writers as you can. We are all mimics, to one degree or another, and the more you read the more you find your own personal voice .
I would also like to see what you do with this. It could be an interesting journey.

ichiozi1
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Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#9 Post by ichiozi1 » 14 Jun 2013, 02:03

Blessings Judy, Its not that I cannot change I really don't know how to. I write emotively and in bursts of energy. I do other creative writing under my real name but this is actually my first ever poem/list poem. I didn't state that as thats in a form a way out. As much criticism as you can lash I will take! Thanks for also being a good sport if I can find the pieces to this puzzle I will definitely change it when I can see it, i'm a tad bit slow too I might add.

Blessings

judyt547
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Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#10 Post by judyt547 » 14 Jun 2013, 03:53

as it stands now there is really nothing to pick apart. it's a solid block, and the only way to pick it apart would be to scrap the form and try free writing. Think about what you need to say and what you want to say and just write it down. No attempt at fancy, no attempt at poesy.

and along the way, read some good poetry. Mary Oliver, Anne Sexton, Jack Gilbert, WS Merwin. What you read as to style and language somehow translates itself into your own language. We all stand on the shoulders of other poets, and if you read good stuff your own gets better. Fact. :)

Sometimes just by laying down lines, one after the other, about how you feel, what you feel, can clarify your own thoughts. And be aware of lines you write that make you think, oh wow, thats good. Save those, and start again. There's no hurry.

concept words like liberty, or peace, or freedom, really mean nothing. Thats why politicians use them, they sound good over a microphone.

I can understand you being an emotive writer, many beginning poets do it, and honestly there's worse ways to start writing--just keep writing if it interests you, and eventually you'll find yourself getting better. It does happen.
read, write. read, write, revise. revise more. *g*

ichiozi1
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Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#11 Post by ichiozi1 » 24 Jul 2013, 04:35

Hey Judy, I see your vision. I will have a good look at the poets in question. Its just funny how much poetry has evolved since my english literature days. I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes, I agree with your part about ''concept words'' and trying to sound ''poesy'' as you put it. When I have a think about it more, I will repost and we can all have a good ol' critique! yee-haw! (sorry) :-)

Blessings

Ichi

judyt547
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Re: Critique my poem? yeah I'm quite bad at punctuation

#12 Post by judyt547 » 24 Jul 2013, 08:26

id love that, ichi. really. Best way to start is just by laying down lines without trying to fancy them up. One after the other, and keep doing that until you find a line or two that works. Then take those two lines start with them. Again.
you've got a good attitude, and that can be a rare thing among poets. :wink:

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