The Yard in May

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IapCharon
Posts: 17
Joined: 13 Jul 2013, 06:08

The Yard in May

#1 Post by IapCharon » 13 Jul 2013, 06:11

The Yard in May

The tulips are gone
sunflowers, azaleas, gone
welcome daisies.

Lugging sacks of loam
I leave the door open for flies
to out sing the chimes.

Weedy dirt patch yields
easy to rakes, hoes, axes
thinking of flowers.

Petunias, dour
in pink plastic jars, shoot
into the broken ground.

Worms seek new rooms
as I move the mossy bricks -
song of rain drenched leaves.

Wild roll of sod
quietly gives in to rollers -
awaiting water.

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Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: The Yard in May

#2 Post by Billy » 13 Jul 2013, 10:43

This has the feel of a chain of haiku. I like to write haiku and find that haiku writing has improved my writing skills. My favorite is the 3rd stanza, like "thinking of flowers". I think you could do better than "to survey the ground". Also, I would like something a little more engaging than your 1st stanza. Overall I enjoyed the read.

IapCharon
Posts: 17
Joined: 13 Jul 2013, 06:08

Re: The Yard in May

#3 Post by IapCharon » 14 Jul 2013, 02:51

Thanks, Billy. Appreciate the crit. Iap

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1654
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Yard in May

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 14 Jul 2013, 04:42

Hi IC,

Welcome to the Block!


enjoyed/appreciated these snapshot stanzas


workshop below   8)   Michael (MV)


Goodbye to tulips
sunflowers & azaleas.
Hello, daisies!

Lugging sacks of loam
I leave the door open for flies
to out sing the chimes.

^^ I like the senryu humor of this 2ns stanza

Weedy dirt patch yields
to rakes, hoes, axes -
thinking of flowers.

^^ w/out "easy" - "yields" is sufficient


word delete & a word change:

Petunias, dour
in plastic mugs, shoot
into the broken ground.


Some suggested word change for play:

Worms seek new digs
as I upheave the mossy bricks -
song of drenched leaves.

^^ is "rain" needed


maybe as:

Wild roll of sod
quietly laid
awaiting water.



 
 
 
 
 

IapCharon
Posts: 17
Joined: 13 Jul 2013, 06:08

Re: The Yard in May

#5 Post by IapCharon » 15 Jul 2013, 18:25

Dear Michael (MV),

Thank you much for the edits. The pieces are so much the better with your suggests. I appreciate it. IC

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: The Yard in May

#6 Post by FrankDyer » 12 Aug 2013, 01:23

You focus on flowers, all types, I get that. Try saying a little more than just a whole collection of names of flowers, I can identify though, the garden on a warm day with the flies buzzing and the smells of the garden floating around.

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