The Last Call

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ichiozi1
Posts: 14
Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

The Last Call

#1 Post by ichiozi1 » 24 Jul 2013, 05:07

Hello love,

Its me again, Suffering from lack of we again,
I plead again, you could of been my world but you heave again,

At the solemn sound of me your friend, or should i say your dealer in,
Lust, highs and emotive blends, never charged for feelings spent.

I shudder, did you hope for a new me trapped deep in my other?
Self, please help rectify your lie, there is no other.

Lover, well l loved her, for many a moon, i pondered,
Of lingerie and convos, then crevices and horn blows,

Whilst all consumed with pastel, a shade you never blushed,
But i touched, watched erupt, felt your pressure as you clutched

I sighed....

Lost with out words moments fleet by,
Are you still there? I hear, your voice is clear,

But i'm miles from our hard beats, and i'm lost without your piece,
Of the puzzle, my days cease, to mean anything but bored weeks,

Weak and destructive, I watched this happen,
From my little glass chamber I go to heal from the cutting,

So its all quite fair, for your laugh and tears suggest its the best,
If we savour this call and for now, we speak less.

Ichi Ozi

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Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: The Last Call

#2 Post by Billy » 30 Jul 2013, 01:56

Very real moment. I would eliminate a lot of the commas, they interfere with the good line breaks you've already got.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1654
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Last Call

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 30 Jul 2013, 17:10

Hi ichiozi1,

I'm in accord re Billy's observation & recommendation re the commas.


I like the opening:

"Its me again, suffering from lack of we again,"

esp "suffering from lack of we again"



I never suffer
from lack of we

8)

Michael (MV)


Billy wrote:Very real moment. I would eliminate a lot of the commas, they interfere with the good line breaks you've already got.
 
 
 

ichiozi1
Posts: 14
Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

Re: The Last Call

#4 Post by ichiozi1 » 31 Jul 2013, 16:18

Hey guys (michael and billy), I really do suffer in the grammer/punctuation department. I'll try reworking the commas, I wrote this whilst rapping to it at the same time. So the commas were my indicators to pause and I guess i wanted the viewer to share the same experience to create the intensity of that "Last Call" that I experienced just a few bleak weeks ago. Your thoughts guys?

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1654
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Last Call

#5 Post by Michael (MV) » 31 Jul 2013, 18:57

Hi ichiozi1

for your perusal & consideration.   :)   Michael (MV)


Hello Love,

Its me again, suffering from lack of we again.
I plead, again, you could of been my world but you heave again.    - do you mean "heave" or "leave"

At the solemn sound of me your friend, or should I say your dealer in
lust, highs and emotive blends, never charged for feelings spent.

I shudder, did you hope for a new me trapped deep in my other?
Self, please help rectify your lie, there is no other.

Lover, well l loved her, for many a moon I pondered,
of lingerie and convos, then crevices and horn blows,

all the while consumed with pastel, a shade you never blushed,
but I touched, watched erupt, felt your pressure as you clutched

I sighed....

Lost without words, moments fleet by,
Are you still there? I hear, your voice is clear.

But I'm miles from our hard beats, and I'm lost without your piece    - very skillful linebreak - the rollover to "of the puzzle"
of the puzzle, my days cease to mean anything but bored weeks,

Weak and destructive, I watched this happen
from my little glass chamber I go to heal from the cutting,

So its all quite fair, for your laugh and tears suggest it's the best
if we savour this call and for now, we speak less.


 
 
 

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: The Last Call

#6 Post by FrankDyer » 12 Aug 2013, 01:15

Too deep for me to comment on.

ichiozi1
Posts: 14
Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

Re: The Last Call

#7 Post by ichiozi1 » 13 Aug 2013, 04:15

hello michael, thank you for your help! I like the way you have punctuated it! frank i'm shocked, i was actually waiting for your critique!!! yes it was a deep moment BUT not too deep for critique! well and truly feeling better from this moment. i'd like to open it up without anyone feeling bad!!

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