Mind At War

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ichiozi1
Posts: 14
Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

Mind At War

#1 Post by ichiozi1 » 27 Aug 2013, 21:40

Here, with my thoughts, lay the seed of internal struggle,
Love and peace conflict with fear and duty,
Harmony lost on winds that echoes the innocence of my delusion,
A whistle that sounds through melancholy streets of grey and pressure.

"Fear not" we converse, mind and mental meet on the playground of my consciousness,
The plague of individuality screens me from my oneness and again I am alone.
How did we get here? How did I loose my connection?
The day concedes to the night and my thoughts bubble once again.

How obsolete my child ridden ideals of faith, and joyous splendour,
Once again i return to my void where my voices never fail.
They penetrate, collaborate and conspire against my sanity,
My experiences betray me, giving cloaked passage to my heart.

Now my psyche and heart war for precedence over matters of the self,
Today I was a champion soul, today I found My God again,
In the warm radiation of the suns glow, akin only to my queens touch,
But the night breeds such worry that I forget myself by day break.

Sweet as sin the mind coerces, cool as ice it whispers,
Be mine once again forever alone to dwell with ones anxiety,
Life is death, and energy is infinite,
Tomorrow I shall find the sky again…

ICHIÖŻI

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: Mind At War

#2 Post by Woetrame » 28 Aug 2013, 00:56

"Here, with my thoughts, lay the seed" doesn't really work - lies the seed, or lay the seeds. "winds that echoes" is a double plural that doesn't really work. You should review similar shifts throughout your poem.

As you bend plurality so do you bend punctuation and grammar; a capital at the start of each line and a comma at the end, does not a sentence make.

"streets of grey and pressure" is a section that fumbles two compatible words into objective nonsense. "grey pressure" might impart more meaning than the two separated, especially early on in a poem, where context has yet to fully develop. I'm perhaps being a little bit harsh here, but you should at least consider your options when redefining the common usage of words. Ask yourself, outside of a poem, how would this street have been described?

"we converse" is a shift in persona from the earlier "my thoughts". If you're aiming for some sort of schizophrenic self-argument, then you can get away with this, but not so easily.

"My experiences betray me, giving cloaked passage to my heart." begs the question, if you are also we, then who is getting the passage to your heart. So far no mention of any third party antagonist. Ending a stanza on this sentence is confusing, as you draw a virtual line under it so that no immediate answer is forthcoming.

The last stanza "Sweet as sin the mind coerces, cool as ice it whispers, Be mine once again forever alone to dwell with ones anxiety, Life is death, and energy is infinite, Tomorrow I shall find the sky again…" shows a lot of promise. It seems cliché to me because I've heard a lot of similar thoughts expressed in similar words, but at the same time it does flow nicely and it is expressive.

I hope you don't mind me picking holes in your poem, because I'm not always right and it is part of my own learning process. You're welcome to learn yourself by ripping a hole or two in mine!

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Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Mind At War

#3 Post by Billy » 28 Aug 2013, 06:54

Here's your poem. Read Rimbaud's A Season in Hell, your poem reminds me of it:


A whistle sounds through melancholy streets.
Day concedes to night, and my thoughts.
How obsolete my child ridden ideals of faith and joyous splendour.
Today I was a champion soul.
Night breeds such worry.
I forget myself by day break.
Tomorrow I shall find the sky.


needs a new title, too

ichiozi1
Posts: 14
Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

Re: Mind At War

#4 Post by ichiozi1 » 30 Aug 2013, 19:57

Hey guys light and blessings. I'm very grateful that you have come here to help me overstand my art. I will take a good look at all the points you have raised before determining if they carry any weight for me. Billy, I tried to express this thoroughly, I see what you're getting at but maybe you fail to see the layers i was trying to portray perhaps? I will definitely try and find Rimbaud's work. Thanks again for the reference, I should probably take more time to read as many peoples work as possible! I can see now you have to educate yourself to elevate, and create more depth, in contemporary poetry.

@Woemtrame no worries brother/sister, I'm not really a "pick apart" type of critique, but thanks for the offer I will have a butch at your work though :-) ! Also you analyse like an educated writer or english professor, and thats amazing! I didn't even know I was doing half the things you stated there!! I just get up in the morning, assess my mood and write my feeling... I perform music under a fake name so i'm always trying to capture my mood and convey that first. I hope this helps to understand me?.

Thank you guys for interest, esp. Billy, you've taken the time to check over most of my work and I'm grateful!!


Light and Blessings guys!

Ichi

p.s. if any of you are on facebook i'd love to keep in touch and chat more poetry/spoken word. I just opened an account and started posting to my tumblr too. https://www.facebook.com/ichi.ozi.1?fref=ts

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