Outside Roosevelt Elementary

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IapCharon
Posts: 17
Joined: 13 Jul 2013, 06:08

Outside Roosevelt Elementary

#1 Post by IapCharon » 04 Sep 2013, 22:47

Outside Roosevelt Elementary

October morning -
pumpkins, hay bales, finches. Mist
piping from clipped corn

fields. Blue skies, mottled
clouds, cherry trees. On the curbs –
school kids in braids, spikes,

ponytails, flitting
in twos ‘n’ fours. Orange vests -
the whole world stopped still.

They don’t care – they buzz
straight into their hives - slim
shoulders flapping.

The day behind them
recovers from spell - practiced
to the beats of normal.

FredFourth
Posts: 117
Joined: 29 Oct 2015, 22:25

Re: Outside Roosevelt Elementary

#2 Post by FredFourth » 01 Dec 2015, 16:27

Reminiscent of a poem by a pal of mine who wrote about bees.

Very nice poem.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Outside Roosevelt Elementary

#3 Post by Billy » 01 Dec 2015, 18:13

Good poem I don't remember ever seeing.

I'm not sold on "the world stopped still", seems redundant.

and I think you might ratchet up the ending.

I'm unsure when you say "the day behind them"

And maybe not, good as is.

FredFourth
Posts: 117
Joined: 29 Oct 2015, 22:25

Re: Outside Roosevelt Elementary

#4 Post by FredFourth » 01 Dec 2015, 18:48

in two's an' fours

Suggestion: shoulder blades flapping, wings singing.

Suggestion: School kids hog the curb.

FredFourth
Posts: 117
Joined: 29 Oct 2015, 22:25

Re: Outside Roosevelt Elementary

#5 Post by FredFourth » 03 Dec 2015, 15:45

Apologies for marmalading your poem
I just had to do it.

Warm October morning -

pumpkins fat losing their shape
hay bales sweetening the air with their warm smells,
finches flit, skip sweeping up pesky beetles and the like
Mist piping from blue clipped cornflower fields.

mottled clouds cross clear skies,
cherry trees expose their pips.
school kids skirt the curbs in braids, spikes,
ponytails, flitting in two's an’ fours.
Flashing orange vests
the whole world stopping still.

And our honeyed friends,
they don’t care – they buzz
straight into the hives - slim
shoulders flapping in striped jerseys.

The days closing in behind them
recovering from their ambrosia summer
slowing their beats to a drone.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Outside Roosevelt Elementary

#6 Post by Bernie01 » 05 Dec 2015, 10:10

hi----


for me, less nature, more interaction the children and the bees.


here is what a novelist did:

An excerpt from Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

“The studio was filled with the rich odor of roses, and when the light summer wind stirred amidst the trees of the garden… The sullen murmur of the bees shouldering their way through… or circling with monotonous insistence…”






bernie

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