Blind In Autumn.

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
ichiozi1
Posts: 14
Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

Blind In Autumn.

#1 Post by ichiozi1 » 13 Sep 2013, 21:48

Blind In Autumn.

She gave him two keys, in two minds he did wander,
left him to sorts on the plains,
She gave him a period of many joyous adventures,
They rallied through rays and the rain,

Like a tropic noel, such warmth and spirit,
She awoke his heart and taught him,
To keep merry and fear not winters touch,
Lest you be blind to the beauty of autumn.

ICHIÖŻI

ednamode
Posts: 13
Joined: 08 Sep 2013, 01:41

Re: Blind In Autumn.

#2 Post by ednamode » 23 Sep 2013, 00:38

Apologies
I wish i understood this as i feel poignant when reading this and my mind isn't quite making sense of it.
I am feeling that a special female gave this male love and life, and this has come to an end as it is written in the past tense.

may be i need a few more reads and i keep coming back to it.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Blind In Autumn.

#3 Post by FrankDyer » 23 Sep 2013, 03:21

Your words do not flow, it is a poem that is like coitus interuptus and we all know how painful that can be.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Blind In Autumn.

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 23 Sep 2013, 08:54

Hi ichiozi1,


Today 9/22 is the autumnal equinox of 2013; so apropos to read & comment your poem.


She gave him two keys, in two minds he did wander,
left him to sorts on the plains.
She gave him a period of many joyous adventures.   or maybe a semicolon
They rallied through rays and the rain,

like a tropic noel, such warmth and spirit.
She awoke his heart and taught him
to keep merry and fear not winters touch,
lest you be blind to the beauty of autumn.


most esp like the simile: "like a tropic noel"


maybe as:

They rallied through ray and rain,     -- like the triple ra

such warmth and spirit, like a tropic noel.


Overall as Poetry, the writing here is more telling than revealing.

Tells about the experience; doesn't convey w/ specifications.


Although I like these 2 lines for the sonics & figure of speech:

"They rallied through rays and the rain,

like a tropic noel, such warmth and spirit."

^^ show the reader vivid photographs/scenes from this rallying.



like noel in the tropics

8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Post Reply