The Stranger

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ednamode
Posts: 13
Joined: 08 Sep 2013, 01:41

The Stranger

#1 Post by ednamode » 22 Sep 2013, 23:57

The Stranger

He seeps out of shadow into view, the stranger.
Hollowed eyed and withered in face, the stranger.
He’d stand and watch the lives he created,
he was, once king and from his throne dictated.
Now he’s reduced to a shadowy space, the stranger.

Stooped over thin he’d stand not sit,
in suits that long ago ceased to fit,
they hung like sheets from his concave form,
gaping spaces where young flesh formed
muscle, virile strength, he was proud and quick,
the stranger.
They tell me that he used to party,
his style was cool and his stance jaunty.
He was a catch here abouts,
with his stud like looks, and his bad ass chat.
But we knew nothing of any of that;

to us, he was always a stranger,
to our shame we should have tried harder
to make this stranger unestranged.
After all, he did not have to stay and watch;
his unappreciative children take and grow up.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: The Stranger

#2 Post by FrankDyer » 23 Sep 2013, 03:22

Over dramatical presentation about nothing we would wish to know.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: The Stranger

#3 Post by Woetrame » 26 Sep 2013, 21:53

Bits of this remind me of a Johnny cash song, which could have been good, but other sections have a clumsier cadence. I didn't have much of an idea about the point of this story until the last two lines hinted at a father-sibling relationship between the subject and narrator, so I felt very little empathy through 90% of the poem. Your introduction of "us" in the last stanza comes before you establish who "us" might be, which has been the downfall of several of my own poems in the past.

ednamode
Posts: 13
Joined: 08 Sep 2013, 01:41

Re: The Stranger

#4 Post by ednamode » 27 Sep 2013, 01:49

thank you Woetrame for reading my poem esp as you didnt have empathy through 90% of the poem. I am grateful that you persevered.

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