tanka

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Billy
Posts: 999
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

tanka

#1 Post by Billy » 25 Sep 2013, 06:49

every night
lying beside you

the moon
going through its phases

returning full once again

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1685
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: tanka

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 27 Sep 2013, 03:28

Hi Billy,

unless an entendre on "lying" is intended, I workshop suggest another.

"going through its phases" - "going through" - a fresher phrasing

"returning full once again" - redundancy w/in that line


workshop illustrated below for your perusal & consideration 8) Michael (MV)


every night
curled along side you

the moon
loses phase by phase

or

the moon loses itself
phase by phase

or

the moon melts
phase by phase

then returns in full

or w/ the melt metaphor

then returns full circle

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: tanka

#3 Post by Woetrame » 30 Sep 2013, 01:04

I've probably said this before, but with a poem like this you can't ever hope to publish without proper punctuation and grammar.

Publishing might not be your aim, but that's what the forum says on the tin, and you didn't say otherwise.

So fuck your shitty poem!

Rah.

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Billy
Posts: 999
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: tanka

#4 Post by Billy » 30 Sep 2013, 02:41

I'm not sure what has provoked such an ugly response. I have commented on a couple of your poems and have never been anything but forthright and polite and spoke to the poem and would never call anyone's poem shitty.

As to publishing and grammar and punctuation, I think you haven't read much published tanka. I'm reading some well known tanka poets and many of the poems have no punctuation and the grammar may not be perfect.

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Billy
Posts: 999
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: tanka

#5 Post by Billy » 30 Sep 2013, 16:57

Again, woe, I think you need to read published tanka. Also, what's wrong with the grammar in this poem? You keep saying grammar and punctuation. Is that your pat criticism? It doesn't make much sense.

Michael, the moon returns full every month. The idea behind this poem, which I shouldn't need to reveal, others have found it pretty straight forward, is that in a relationship there are phases of good and bad, but like the moon it always returns full. Rewriting the poem the way you have suggested loses that meaning. There is the juxtaposition of the couple together every night and the throughout that time going through its phases and always returning full.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: tanka

#6 Post by Woetrame » 12 Oct 2013, 00:37

On the one side, what I said was meant in jest, on the flipside it was meant in jest because I didn't think you were serious about publishing it.

I've never read Tanka, but I imagine if his/her poems were like this then he/she probably came up against a fair amount of opposition too.

If you think you have something original and mind-blowing then FUCK the norm and go for it.

If you're just copying some guy I never heard of who broke with the norm, well then you'll face the same arguments they did only you're not going anywhere new.

I'm all in favour of new, and if I troll you and you have a valid response, then lay it on me and I'll listen - Just don't tell me it's OK because you copied someone else.

That aside I do respect you as a poet, and I'm sure I've not read a tenth of what you've written, so please don't take shit personally - That's not how I roll.

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Billy
Posts: 999
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: tanka

#7 Post by Billy » 12 Oct 2013, 01:07

What the hell are you talking about woe, I never said I copied someone else, but I asked you to do some serious reading of tanka that's published b/c possibly you haven't. I've been studying tanka for 3 or 4 years, reading everything I get my hands on, writing them for about 3 years. This is my last response to your posts on this poem.

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Billy
Posts: 999
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: tanka

#8 Post by Billy » 12 Oct 2013, 01:30

Actually, I have one more thing to say. Maybe you are like me and ought to stay away from workshops for a while. I have had a hard time with criticism in my life, lots of low self-esteem. It was hard to see clearly what others said about my poems. I've returned lately b/c I've grown up in that area, made some changes in my life. I like to write. You can say whatever about my poems, but at least say it with some cool and some politeness, otherwise I'd rather you didn't comment. But hey, it's a free forum, so do whatever.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: tanka

#9 Post by Woetrame » 12 Oct 2013, 02:17

Sorry Billy,

My best works are those that were annihilated at birth.

I'm sorry to have upset you like this.

I crave criticism myself and sometimes and/or often, that comes across hurtfully.

But I know how it feels to have your home ripped from under you, so I'll offer you this - I won't post here again without your consent.

Didn't say I wouldn't edit: Consent or refuse - It's an action not an inaction.

OCTOGENARIAN
Posts: 78
Joined: 01 Nov 2008, 02:14

Re: tanka

#10 Post by OCTOGENARIAN » 12 Nov 2013, 19:43

love this. it speaks to me of that feeling of constancy.great visual too.

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