A Little Girl

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FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

A Little Girl

#1 Post by FrankDyer » 25 Sep 2013, 14:40

A little girl ran
hand in hand
with her daddy

She reminded me
of shining ponds of
ducks and fish
and silly stories

That pleased my child so
The camera captured
Her small arm hugging me
across my vast shoulder

Greeting her at the airport
She instantly hopped to my
knee like a sparrow

I became her Opa
For the father that
had been shelved
by Mama

I, poor useless I
became her anchor
In this twisted modern world

Like Holden I could not function
like Phoebe she laughed
and her trust of me
Bound us as pals

My surrogate child

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Little Girl

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 27 Sep 2013, 02:46

Hi Frank,

this reads at draft level


I believe the intent is to structure on the rhythm of the ings,
but they are more trying than achieving.


a fatherhood reading:

I saw a little girl
hand in hand
with her daddy
walking

^^ narrator observing a father & daughter


[But] where is my little girl?
sitting looking
for her daddy
waiting

^^ w/ the addition of the "but," the narrator is asking where is his daughter.


I love my little girl
holding hugging
her daddy
laughing

^^ is the 1st line "I love my little girl" implying the narrator now has a daughter; or, a missing/lost daughter returned?


I know my little girl
seeking finding
her daddy
loving[/quote]

^^ no denying the father knows his daughter & his daughter knows her father.


8)

Michael (MV)

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Little Girl

#3 Post by FrankDyer » 30 Sep 2013, 16:18

Yes, spot on Michael, although I did intend to post it as a completed poem. Looking at it I am disappointed and I feel it comes across as trite. I failed to elicit the emotion that I had meant and it is but a pale shadow of what I had intended.

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