He Races Up The Stairs

[Billy]

He Races Up The Stairs

Lying together in his single bed,
heads touching like magnets,
I read to my son: Twenty Thousand

Leagues Under the Sea, Chronicles
of Narnia, Alice in Wonderland.
Books held open above our heads

in the light of a lamp I made
in wood shop when I was a boy.
It's a well pump like the one

on my Uncle's farm, B+ still legible
on the underside. My son jumps
to pump it, grinning, light flowing

out. He lays an arm across my chest,
fondles my ear. Each night I long
to see stories come alive in his eyes.

Under the blanket, his toes wiggle
in anticipation. He asks me to read,
again, a part I can see he's pondering,

then falls asleep. I mark the page,
carefully slip from under his embrace,
grin, pump cool water on Uncle's farm.

[Michael (MV)]

Hi Billy,

for now, maybe more later:

I like this poem. The title is incorporated in the textual. So, I'm workshop suggesting different words for the title space;

and the words I hear are U2's "Stories for Boys." (provided below)

Now, I don't think that constitutes plagiarism b/c there are works of art sharing the same name.

But then, it is a speculative for example suggestion.



Michael (MV)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUw34EYnGMs

There's a place I go
And I am far away
There's a TV show
And I can grow

Sometimes the hero takes me
Sometimes I don't let go
Hello hello

There's a picture book
With colored photographs
There's a comic strip
That makes me laugh

Sometimes the lady takes me
Sometimes I don't let go
Hello hello

Stories for boys...stories for boys
Stories for boys...stories for boys
Stories for boys...

There's a place I go
And it's a part of me
There's a radio
And I will crawl

Sometimes the hero takes me
Sometimes I can't let go
Hello hello

Stories for boys...

 
 
 
 
 

[Billy]

Yes, Michael, I have not been satisfied with any of the titles I have used so far. This is probably the third or fourth title I have tried.

[SivaRamanathan]

Billy
I like the way you connect
It is a well pump like the one

on my Uncle's farm
and this
grin, pump cool water at Uncle's farm.

[SivaRamanathan]

Billy

You have changed the title and now it is good.Someone on another board always used to tell that the title of the poem should not have the same words that appear in the poem.

S

[Michael (MV)]

He Races Up The Stairs Ahead Of Me

maybe "Ahead Of Me" not needed

anyways, I like the energy of the new title.


instead of the heavy "pondering," and add a moment of dialogue:

. . . He asks, "read to me
again that part about . . " and I can see his imaginings,


I'm imagining "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" in the lineup of reads



Michael (MV)

 

 

 

[Billy]

Thanks, Siva.

Michael, thanks, I'll use your suggestion.

[judyt547]

billy, i like this too, although some of the word choices make me stumble--someone once said
(and accurately so) if a word jumps out at you in a poem, it distracts from the flow; in this case
I'm uncomfortable with the word "scoots' -- which in its own way is correct, "Scoot over here
and let me see you"--but it also implies a certain amount of commotion in the action. Perhaps
the gentler, more careful act of "sliding" out from under, which to my vision seems less
disturbing to a sleeping child. And instead of "it is a well pump" perhaps "It's a well pump"
which seems to be less pedantic.
The overall image is lovely, caring, warm. Thank you for this.

[Michael (MV)]

Billy,

I'm in accord w/ Judy's suggestions



Michael (MV)

[Billy]

Thank you, Judy and Michael and Siva. I've made the changes. I guess I was enamored of "scoot" b/c it's a child's type of action word.

[Michael (MV)]

Billy,

re " I was enamored of "scoot" b/c it's a child's type of action word."

^^ what can I say

He scoots up the stairs




Michael (MV)