Cyber World

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Cyber World

#1 Post by FrankDyer » 31 Oct 2013, 21:02

I lost my IPS provider
He got fed up with me
savagely cutting the cord
Our correspondence becoming
increasingly discordant
and meaningless

A jumble of contractual misdemeanors
and the tyranny of the multinational
in free fall

I missed this room
this world
different to reality
Having a reality of it own

Here eternity stretches out its hand
awaiting a reply
like Voyager
passing into the Milky Way

chrisann
Posts: 3
Joined: 04 Nov 2013, 02:00

Re: Cyber World

#2 Post by chrisann » 04 Nov 2013, 02:20

Hi Frank,

I do understand your loss.

Great fun though, with the free fall of separation anxiety. The old paradigm of personal service is compounded exponentially by the digital globe, and thus, eternity personified as a personal plea is an apt and ironic zoom out.

The "room" reference threw me a bit--a virtual room?

Enjoyed this,
Chrisann

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Cyber World

#3 Post by dyerfrank » 09 Nov 2013, 03:19

Thanks Chrisann I appreciate the comment, welcome to the forum. Yes this is the cybr room. I have had to rergester as the defence mechanism was so strong it would not let me in as Frankdyer

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Billy
Posts: 999
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Cyber World

#4 Post by Billy » 11 Nov 2013, 05:17

Frank, I like this poem very much and agree with chrisann's assessment. I would work on the third stanza. It is redundant--this room, this world, a different reality, a reality of its own. You are saying the same thing or similar things and not really saying what I think you mean. Dig a little deeper on that stanza and this will be a terrific poem.

Billy

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Cyber World

#5 Post by dyerfrank » 12 Nov 2013, 03:44

Thanks Billy,much appreciated

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1685
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Cyber World

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 12 Nov 2013, 09:57

Hi Frank,


consider for that 3rd stanza:


I missed this cyber room
with a reality of it own


^^ nods to & echoes the tradition of Woolf's "A room of one's own"
& E.M. Forster's A Room with a View




8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
 

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Cyber World

#7 Post by dyerfrank » 24 Nov 2013, 17:29

Thanks Michael, i will look up that
poem.

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