Misery of a Cold Winter

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dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Misery of a Cold Winter

#1 Post by dyerfrank » 12 Nov 2013, 03:55

Our legs chapped
from the dripping of urine
in the cold of winter

walking to school in the rain
meant stripping off by the radiators
not willing the girls should see our thin white legs

Teachers fussed around us
Placing wet clothing to dry
with encouraging platitudes

Our parents loved us
but they slept in the warm bedroom
heated from the chimney below
from the blazing coal fire

Our room collected our breath
on frozen window panes
Jack Frost visited but
We failed to enjoy his charming patterns
as we shivered in the blue black dawns

Mam placed a china pot in our bed
filled with boiling water
but it took hours for us to fall asleep

The wind howled on some nights
whistling in its fury
shaking the rafters overhead
walking loudly through the roof spaces

To this day I feel spoiled
when I drive with the heater on
a luxury tinged with memories

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Billy
Posts: 995
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Misery of a Cold Winter

#2 Post by Billy » 14 Nov 2013, 04:16

A lot of good description here. Especially like S1&2. I just don't buy the last stanza. I don't think you've won such an ending.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1681
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Misery of a Cold Winter

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 14 Nov 2013, 07:21

Hi Frank,

poetry reading & writing

until that last stanza lapses into editorial mode

reads like an expository clincher


for now end w/:

"shaking the rafters overhead
walking loudly through the roof spaces"


or make figurative:

The wind howled on some nights
whistling in its fury
shaking the rafters overhead
walking loudly through the roof spaces

like endurance waking the weak
not having the will to overcome.



8-)

Michael (MV)


 

 

 

 

 

 

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Misery of a Cold Winter

#4 Post by dyerfrank » 20 Nov 2013, 03:08

Thanks Guys, I knew it was weak when I wrote it, a cliche even. Knowing what we want to say, reaching out to say it in a new eay, that the clincher.

I changed my name forgot my old password and found it impossible to get back in, what a bummer... an Americanism.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1681
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Misery of a Cold Winter

#5 Post by Michael (MV) » 28 Nov 2013, 11:09

Hi Frank,

That's an improved last stanza.

If you don't already have plans for this poem, and if you aren't representing any other board this upcoming IBPC,

would you please represent the Block with Misery of a Cold Winter.

Please accept or decline in this thread @ Palaver:

If accepting, please provide all the necessary info delineated in the initial entry of that thread:

Thanks, Frank,


and a wonderful & safe Thanksgiving to you

8)

Michael (MV)



dyerfrank wrote:Thanks Guys, I knew it was weak when I wrote it, a cliche even. Knowing what we want to say, reaching out to say it in a new eay, that the clincher.

I changed my name forgot my old password and found it impossible to get back in, what a bummer... an Americanism.
 
 
 

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Misery of a Cold Winter

#6 Post by dyerfrank » 02 Dec 2013, 23:28

I see you asked permission to enter this poem, that's ok with me. I just don't know the rules or the method, it is now the 2nd December. Other than that I don't think this poem is good enough for entry but you have my permission to enter it under my name.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1681
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Misery of a Cold Winter

#7 Post by Michael (MV) » 03 Dec 2013, 10:52

Thanks, Frank

Please follow this Link to the Block's Palaver

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5762

and please provide in the designated thread

Upcoming IBPC December 2013

all the needed info as delineated in the initial entry of that thread.

Thanks, Frank

:)

Michael (MV)



dyerfrank wrote:I see you asked permission to enter this poem, that's ok with me. I just don't know the rules or the method, it is now the 2nd December. Other than that I don't think this poem is good enough for entry but you have my permission to enter it under my name.
 

 

 

 

 
 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Misery of a Cold Winter

#8 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Dec 2013, 21:20

I like reading this poem again and again.Michael is very good at editing. Not to mention the poetry.

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