Shining in the Light

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Billy
Posts: 999
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Shining in the Light

#1 Post by Billy » 02 Dec 2013, 07:56

Shining in the Light

We rang and knocked.
Gloria stood on her toes
trying to see in the window.
When she couldn't reach,
she jumped up and down
like a monkey. She fell
on her butt, and we had
a good laugh. I sat down
beside her. We laughed
again, uncontrollably,
then got real quiet looking
at the moon, our heads
together like two yolks
in one egg. When we
remembered where we
were, I went around back
and banged on that door.
We were beginning to think
either you weren't home,
or you were hoping
we would give up and leave.
I guess two in the morning
was a little late, but we both
missed your crazy ass,
so please forgive us.
We went to the all night diner
and, in your honor, ordered
brioche french toast.
Gloria bought a pack
of Marlboros, smoked one
with cream and sugar coffee.
I bitched at every puff.
Of course, she didn't inhale.
She waved it around
like it was a flaming baton.
I shamed her enough
that she threw the pack away.
I said I wouldn't kiss her
until she brushed her teeth,
but I did. You missed out.
Where were you?
We watched the sun come up,
then hit the bed. Gloria
was in some kind of mood,
so we fell asleep cuddling
and that was okay for a change.
It was one of those nights
when, no matter what happened,
everything shone in the light
of that full moon,
even us sinners.

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Shining in the Light

#2 Post by dyerfrank » 02 Dec 2013, 23:37

I like it Billy, but I feel it needs work, not keen on the two yolks in one egg, seems contrived some how. Its all in modern vernacular and there is a story there. 'Hit the bed' doesn't seem something I would say or even familiar to me. To,me of the lines are extraneousness such as 'no matter what' that how people talk but do we need to read it? Same with 'even us sinners' is that needed?

My suggestion, use the vernacular for the spoke words in parentheses, use the poet's language when telling. There is some telling there. 'Some kind of mood' is 1st person, but we do want to know more, what kind of mood? pensive, sulky, angry, frustrated, a wan smile, mischievous, how can we know and we want to know. Flesh it out more, reduce wordiness, I know a paradox...

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 999
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Shining in the Light

#3 Post by Billy » 03 Dec 2013, 01:22

Frank, gotta totally disagree with you on the egg yolk image, not contrived, totally from the ether and I like it, probably the best thing about the poem, so I will look at your other suggestions. Thanks.

ealove89
Posts: 9
Joined: 13 Dec 2013, 06:23

Re: Shining in the Light

#4 Post by ealove89 » 13 Dec 2013, 06:35

Is this about hangin' with a broad? I dig that.

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