Love Lingers Long-rehashed

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dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Love Lingers Long-rehashed

#1 Post by dyerfrank » 27 Dec 2013, 00:53

Love lingers long
Harbours in dark corners
Thoughts return
Relived and loved again

Years after you left
Your scent remained
an indentation on your pillow.
In time it faded
memories brought it back
to haunt

Working in the garden
I heard your laughter
shake the withered leaves
I heard you open the gate
as you always did
with your bouncing hair
sleek and silken from the wash

I felt the moisture of your mouth
and savoured the freshness of your breath
Reality intruded
and I knew you were no longer there
Love lingers long

I relinquished tending my garden
chose to dwell on memories
on what might have been
or worse still, on what remains

Old love passes on a frozen wind
Old loves wither on a twisted vine
Old men die and pass away
True love lingers long

ealove89
Posts: 9
Joined: 13 Dec 2013, 06:23

Re: Love Linger Long

#2 Post by ealove89 » 28 Dec 2013, 06:20

I like to love it ! (:|)

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Love Linger Long

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Jan 2014, 17:51

dyerfrank
You should edit this. It is loquacious.And the grammar is faulty in places.Please take time to work on it.Take away all the cloying words.There are typos;( even in the title.)Above all don't be angry with me.If I had the time I would do it.
With all good intention
Siva

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Love Linger Long

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Jan 2014, 22:12

Post subject: Love Linger(s) Long
Love lingers long
springs into my mind
long after you (are)[had] gone(.)

After you left
nothingness
no remembrance[r], no feeling(;)
(a)[A] passing phase
as (a)[A] carousel
of loves.(?)

[But,](W)[ w]hen tending my garden
(I)swept Autumn leaves[,]
that rustled in their golden hues
my melancholy chore(.)
A cold north wind blew
and drove them into a corner
a neglected part of my domain(.){these three lines could pass off as a sentence}

I wanted you to come (at)that moment
walking through the gate
as you always did
proceeded by your laughter
(with)[and] your bouncing hair
sleek and silken from the wash(;)
I would melt into your mouth
(s)Swallowed up past perfect teeth
rush in a thousand white torrents(spittle?)
of sparkling foam exhausting itself on
a shallow falling shore(.)

I relinquished tending my garden
chose to dwell in [sweet} (substitute another word) thought
raking through memories
sifting a rich loam of past pleasures
highlighting scenes from our old movies
to dwell on what might have be(en)
or worse what could is to be{wrong grammar}
Love lingers long(...)


Old love passes on a frozen wind
Old loves wither on a twisted vine
Old men die and pass away
Faded photographs leave a mark
A sepia print speckled with mould(.){I like these lines}
There are two 'mould' and 'mold'--one is a fungus and the other is an impression}

Love lingers long...

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Love Linger Long

#5 Post by dyerfrank » 02 Jan 2014, 22:52

Thanks for all the hard work Siva, much appreciated. Why would I be angry with you? I like your input and value it greatly.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Love Lingers Long

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Jan 2014, 23:09

dyerfrank
That is the best thing I heard,this New Year. A great creative New Year to you!

account29
Posts: 1
Joined: 11 Jan 2014, 19:31

Re: Love Linger Long

#7 Post by account29 » 11 Jan 2014, 19:34

dyerfrank wrote:Thanks for all the hard work Siva, much appreciated. Why would I be angry with you? I like your input and value it greatly, and I appreciate your contribution to the website
That is great that you accept the constructive criticism so well - and I thoroughly enjoyed the original version, it is unique and you can tell came from the heart! How long did it take to write?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Love Lingers Long

#8 Post by SivaRamanathan » 11 Jan 2014, 20:57

dyerfrank
You have posted an edited version in Poetry and Palaver.Can you re -post it here?

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Love Lingers Long

#9 Post by dyerfrank » 20 Jan 2014, 03:25

Uhm, thanks guys, I thought it might be too mushy for your discerning tastes. I wrote it on here in one take, then modified it at Siva's suggestion. But its been on my mind for a long time, maybe 2 years, it is a personal experience but I guess it has a universal theme. I mean it does not relate to now, but a long time ago, maybe generations of time but there you are the poet soaks up a lifetime of experience, personal and seen and sometimes the mind plays back weird stuff. I sure appreciate my peers taking the time to relate.

The post in Palaver was my first draft so out of date.

Smmrtmestos
Posts: 36
Joined: 06 Feb 2014, 08:06

Re: Love Lingers Long

#10 Post by Smmrtmestos » 06 Feb 2014, 08:41

It is a nice poem but it can be a great poem. Give it more heart, what I mean by that is when I read it make me feel what you feel when you're writing it. Its a great start but keep working on it.

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Love Lingers Long-rehashed

#11 Post by dyerfrank » 10 Feb 2014, 01:48

Thanks Smmrtmestos

I have rehashed it completely, it was too loquacious, maybe trite in places. It may be an old theme, but for anyone who has loved and lost that love, for whatever reason it hurts like hell and lingers for a lifetime. I know people who are just shadows after losing someone dear, a child, an uncle a friend. They drift through life like zombies, thinking how long, how long must I wait?

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