The Painting (Need Reviews)

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abhrksht
Posts: 6
Joined: 13 Feb 2014, 22:02

The Painting (Need Reviews)

#1 Post by abhrksht » 13 Feb 2014, 22:11

THE PAINTING

The brush squeezing my hands
Dripping in first blood of green;
Even a deft stroke of intent
Imbues but a pale sheen

Is this the beginning of my end?
The confounded meekly wonders
Or has my beginning ended
In the multitude of natural plunders.

But I squeeze the brush now;
Take a step back from the wall
And the entirety is suddenly there
As my painting stands tall

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: The Painting (Need Reviews)

#2 Post by dyerfrank » 14 Feb 2014, 03:40

At first glance this poem is put togetehr well, on examining I find it contradictory and mysterious. Not mysterious in a good way but in a confusing way. Unless there is a far deeper meaning hiden from me I see no point in some of things you say. For example you say the brush squeezes your hand when you mean your hands squeeze the brush, this is normal, how are we to understand the turn around of this common scene, what is the point of a brush doing that to a painter? We wonder about it and worry that some deep though has escaped us, but has it?
Then the second line turns common understanding of English on its head, blood would be red , how can it drip green blood, what is the significance of this? Do you mean dipping its first stroke in green paint?
What is the meaning of the word 'even' here, I find no cause to use it, it is redundant to me, bereft of any value to the stanza. You could just as well say: a deft stroke with intent.
The same with 'imbues', 'gives' could be used with much the same effect. I don't undertsand the use of the 'but' in the sentence, redundant again. Pale sheen is ok. The first stanza does give the impression of a painter beginning his work, struggling with his intent and finding the efort less than he wished.


The brush squeezing my hands
Dripping in first blood of green;
Even a deft stroke of intent
Imbues but a pale sheen

The next stanza is a little easier to undertsand it begins with a question, the reversing of the question in L3 is rather predictable and isn't clever at all. We all write stuff like this and then discard. The last line is a gem and reminds us never to become so ponderous. Do you mean the multitude of blunders?

Is this the beginning of my end?
The confounded meekly wonders
Or has my beginning ended
In the multitude of natural plunders.

The last stanza is probably the best of a bad lot. I think I know what you are intending to portray, you lack clarity although the language is simple, its use is inappropriate for what you're trying to convey. Would it not be take a step back from the easel? not wall. Painters daub, dab and stoke, why use squeeze?

But I squeeze the brush now;
Take a step back from the wall
And the entirety is suddenly there
As my painting stands tall

There is an outline of a poem there, I like your plain way of speaking, yet as mentioned the sentences does not really say what you want to get over to us.

You may think me savage in my review, I think the only thing of value is to give you honesty without rancour.

abhrksht
Posts: 6
Joined: 13 Feb 2014, 22:02

Re: The Painting (Need Reviews)

#3 Post by abhrksht » 14 Feb 2014, 05:10

dyerfrank wrote:At first glance this poem is put togetehr well, on examining I find it contradictory and mysterious. Not mysterious in a good way but in a confusing way. Unless there is a far deeper meaning hiden from me I see no point in some of things you say. For example you say the brush squeezes your hand when you mean your hands squeeze the brush, this is normal, how are we to understand the turn around of this common scene, what is the point of a brush doing that to a painter? We wonder about it and worry that some deep though has escaped us, but has it?
Then the second line turns common understanding of English on its head, blood would be red , how can it drip green blood, what is the significance of this? Do you mean dipping its first stroke in green paint?
What is the meaning of the word 'even' here, I find no cause to use it, it is redundant to me, bereft of any value to the stanza. You could just as well say: a deft stroke with intent.
The same with 'imbues', 'gives' could be used with much the same effect. I don't undertsand the use of the 'but' in the sentence, redundant again. Pale sheen is ok. The first stanza does give the impression of a painter beginning his work, struggling with his intent and finding the efort less than he wished.


The brush squeezing my hands
Dripping in first blood of green;
Even a deft stroke of intent
Imbues but a pale sheen

The next stanza is a little easier to undertsand it begins with a question, the reversing of the question in L3 is rather predictable and isn't clever at all. We all write stuff like this and then discard. The last line is a gem and reminds us never to become so ponderous. Do you mean the multitude of blunders?

Is this the beginning of my end?
The confounded meekly wonders
Or has my beginning ended
In the multitude of natural plunders.

The last stanza is probably the best of a bad lot. I think I know what you are intending to portray, you lack clarity although the language is simple, its use is inappropriate for what you're trying to convey. Would it not be take a step back from the easel? not wall. Painters daub, dab and stoke, why use squeeze?

But I squeeze the brush now;
Take a step back from the wall
And the entirety is suddenly there
As my painting stands tall

There is an outline of a poem there, I like your plain way of speaking, yet as mentioned the sentences does not really say what you want to get over to us.

You may think me savage in my review, I think the only thing of value is to give you honesty without rancour.

First of all, many thanks for such a detailed critique and lets not label honesty as savagery, as it is an expensive gift. I feel it has been a flaw in my expression that I have not been able to convey the true meaning behind the poem. To begin with the poem has nothing to do with a painting, which I used just as a convenient metaphor as I have never picked up a brush in my life. The painting depicts a vision on my part that needs to be fulfilled. The "brush squeezing my hands" is not a plain reversal but a deliberate one as it represents the plain desire of fulfilment taking control of my actions rather than myself as depicted in last stanza. I really hoped the contrast of "brush squeezing my hands" and "But I squeeze the brush now" would have carried over the message, but no worries. I used even because it represents the futility of intent in my actions for producing initial results. "But" here is a substitute for only. And yes the reversal of "beginning-end" was predictable and you may even accuse as plagiarized from an Agatha Christie Book, but it it felt right nonetheless. I hope you get the poem better now. I will try to be more comprehendable next time. Cheers!

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Feed back on he author's reply to my review

#4 Post by dyerfrank » 14 Feb 2014, 15:05

Honesty can be savage.
What is more important is does the reviewer intend to hurt, to be savage, trite or pedantic. Reviewers are as crocked as the authors of poems. Some so-called poets are nothing but trolls, posting rubbish work to tell their pals how they wound up so and so forum. That's not the case with you, I though your work was an honest attempt. If you can get others on here to write a review on your work they may be polite and kind, their reviews may be worth something if you can get them to that is.
Reviewers are not experts, in writing a review they expose their own weaknesses and lack of understanding. I gave a equally honest review a month or so ago and other put it up for acclaim... egg on my face. I had to accept I was out of step. Reviewing poems teaches the reviewer something and is a beneficial exercise if done properly by both author and reviewer. We are not here to be nice, we are not here to applaud unless the work is significant. Whining that the review is savage is bound to deter others from giving an honest appraisal of your work. Now that you have explained you reasons I wish I had been more savage' or do I mean honest?

Frank

abhrksht
Posts: 6
Joined: 13 Feb 2014, 22:02

Re: Feed back on he author's reply to my review

#5 Post by abhrksht » 15 Feb 2014, 02:49

dyerfrank wrote:Honesty can be savage.
What is more important is does the reviewer intend to hurt, to be savage, trite or pedantic. Reviewers are as crocked as the authors of poems. Some so-called poets are nothing but trolls, posting rubbish work to tell their pals how they wound up so and so forum. That's not the case with you, I though your work was an honest attempt. If you can get others on here to write a review on your work they may be polite and kind, their reviews may be worth something if you can get them to that is.
Reviewers are not experts, in writing a review they expose their own weaknesses and lack of understanding. I gave a equally honest review a month or so ago and other put it up for acclaim... egg on my face. I had to accept I was out of step. Reviewing poems teaches the reviewer something and is a beneficial exercise if done properly by both author and reviewer. We are not here to be nice, we are not here to applaud unless the work is significant. Whining that the review is savage is bound to deter others from giving an honest appraisal of your work. Now that you have explained you reasons I wish I had been more savage' or do I mean honest?

Frank
I feel that I have miscommunicated again and you interpreted it as whining. When I said lets not label honesty as savage, I really appreciated your honest opinion and I thought you were downgrading its importance by calling it savage. I am here for the honest(savage) reviews and not for some "loved it, keep writing" stuff. Believe me, there are plenty of that scattered on the internet. So again, thank you very much for the review and I hope I am getting this message right now.

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: The Painting (Need Reviews)

#6 Post by dyerfrank » 15 Feb 2014, 03:15

Best wishes on your stay on this forum then, hope you keep posting.

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