A death in the Family (Poem: Need Reviews)

[abhrksht]

She is gone, he announces
With a tinge of choke that it entails;
Perhaps holding back the essentials
And letting out the details.

The news isn't a rude shock,
as I would have anticipated;
The age made it intelligible,
All she did, was waited.

As real as her fussy concerns
was her presumed presence
But so fogged was her infirm being
it veiled years of indifference.

But I was the one, I pride myself
Unfazed by any smothering smog;
Having winged under her very warmth
I couldn't have missed a lot.


She left crowded by family,
who take care of their own,
who witness the miracle of death;
Perhaps after which, she isn't alone.

[dyerfrank]

As much as I like your attempt to write a poem about death and the ensuing funeral I dislike some of the words you use and the way you place them. Its not so much my view on things and how they should be done but to question your grammar and English usage in places. We all love originality, but in poetry more so than prose I suppose small editions can make a big difference.

She is gone, he announces [I may be wrong on this but isn't it 'She has gone' ?]
With a tinge of choke that it entails; [This sentence is crock in my opinion, you are trying to say he choked on his words, how is the way you say it any better than plain English']

Perhaps holding back the essentials [I complained about this reversal in logic in your last poem, and here you are trying to sound profound when the only result in confusion. Are you trying to say: 'He held back on the minor details, the unimportant, and concentrated on just the essentials' ? I so why is it so important to reverse the norm? I don't get it.

And letting out the details.

The news isn't a rude shock, [The news was not a shock, it was expected due to his age]
as I would have anticipated;
The age made it intelligible,
All she did, was waited. [She bided her time, bode or bided both equally good.]

As real as her fussy concerns
was her presumed presence [expected not presumed, presumed make no sense]
But so fogged was her infirm being [this sentence is so strange I am defeated and give up]
it veiled years of indifference.

But I was the one, I pride myself
Unfazed by any smothering smog;
Having winged under her very warmth
I couldn't have missed a lot.


She left crowded by family,
who take care of their own,
who witness the miracle of death;
Perhaps after which, she isn't alone.

Sorry, I give up, you ruin a marvelous chance to get down on print something real and mess it up with quaint attempt to be profound whereas if you used plain English as a draft you could really get the importance of the occasion [death] over to us. Note, I am not picking on you. Lesser poems I don't bother to respond to at least your had a hope. Poems where I feel I cannot give a sensible review of I leave alone.

[abhrksht]

As much as I like your attempt to write a poem about death and the ensuing funeral I dislike some of the words you use and the way you place them. Its not so much my view on things and how they should be done but to question your grammar and English usage in places. We all love originality, but in poetry more so than prose I suppose small editions can make a big difference.

She is gone, he announces [I may be wrong on this but isn't it 'She has gone' ?]
With a tinge of choke that it entails; [This sentence is crock in my opinion, you are trying to say he chocked on his words, how is the way you say it any better than plain English']

Perhaps holding back the essentials [I complained about this reversal in logic in your last poem, and here you are trying to sound profound when the only result in confusion. Are you trying to say: 'He held back on the minor details, the unimportant, and concentrated on just the essentials' ? I so why is it so important to reverse the norm? I don't get it.

And letting out the details.

The news isn't a rude shock, [The news was not a shock, it was expected due to his age]
as I would have anticipated;
The age made it intelligible,
All she did, was waited. [She bided her time, bode or bided both equally good.]

As real as her fussy concerns
was her presumed presence [expected not presumed, presumed make no sense]
But so fogged was her infirm being [this sentence is so strange I am defeated and give up]
it veiled years of indifference.

But I was the one, I pride myself
Unfazed by any smothering smog;
Having winged under her very warmth
I couldn't have missed a lot.


She left crowded by family,
who take care of their own,
who witness the miracle of death;
Perhaps after which, she isn't alone.

Sorry, I give up, you ruin a marvelous chance to get down on print something real and mess it up with quaint attempt to be profound whereas if you used plain English as a draft you could really get the importance of the occasion [death] over to us. Note, I am not picking on you. Lesser poems I don't bother to respond to at least your had a hope. Poems where I feel I cannot give a sensible review of I leave alone.

Thanks again for the review. I figured the line "fogged infirm being" would be elusive in its meaning and fortunately or unfortunately, it is the very crux of the poem. I meant that her ever weakening vitality was hiding beneath the "fog" of her personality, which most of the family failed to notice while taking her presence and well being to be granted. I am sorry but I impulsively tend to bury my meanings deep in the words, as that is what I aspire to. But I hope now you get this line and its significance also in the last stanza. My immaturity and lack of clarity in expression stems from the fact that I have actually read and interpreted very few poems and know nearly nothing about a poem's structure and proper use of devices. I am doing that and perhaps I will get better.

[dyerfrank]

Thanks for the explanation, I still don't get it. You don't have to suck up to reviewers, we may be absolutely wrong in our assessment and often we are. You don't have to explain you are new to poetry all you have to do is take in some reader's view of your work, that's about it. I don't know much about poetry myself. All I know is it aint a crossword puzzle, if only one in a million understands it what use is it? You may think that is OK and that is your business.
All we are expected to do is write a decent attempt at a review just to get our poems on here, and then we may get flack or praise, or worse still... ignored. Keep writing.

I still think plain English is best or even standard English usage.

[Michael (MV)]

Welcome abhrksht,

This reader(and perhaps others) would like to be introduced to the antecedents of the pronouns:

"She is gone, he announces"

and of the "I": "But I was the one, I pride myself"

^^ I'm assuming:

Mother is gone, my brother announces

or

Mother is gone, the doctor announces

and the 1st person speaker is the one son who really knew/understood his/their mother:

"Having winged under her very warmth"



Thought you might like to know that I understood the crux, even before you explained:

"But so fogged was her infirm being
it veiled years of indifference."



I esp liked the last stanza for the "miracle" of it all - however, to me it's "dying"

She left crowded by family,
who take care of their own,
who witness the miracle of dying
where she is never alone.


Below, more workshopping illustrated for your perusal & consideration.




Michael (MV)


Instead of initiating the 1st word of each line w/ a capital letter; verbs more dynamic than linking; and et.:
 

"A death in the family"
 
She is gone, he announces
with the tinge of choke it entails;
perhaps holding back non-essentials
and letting out the details.

Not the rude shock
I regretted anticipating;
the age made it intelligible.
she existed in-waiting.

As real as her fussy concerns
played her presumed presence.
Her fogged infirm being
veiled by years of indifference.

or that stanza maybe as:

Her fussy concerns played
as real her presumed presence.
Her fogged infirm being
veiled in years of indifference.

I pride myself as the one
unfazed by any smothering smog.
Winged solely under her warmth,
I couldn't have missed a lot.

She left crowded by family,
who take care of their own,
who witness the miracle of dying
where she is never alone.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 

[SivaRamanathan]

Michael

I nominate, 'A Death In The Family,' for the march IBPC.I like how you have worked on this poem.

Siva

[meenas17]

It is written with pains felt.
Death results in pain.You have taken pains to write the poem.
The original is good but the edited one is much better.
Your poem is worth the nomination.
Keep it up.
meenas.