Road

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dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Road

#1 Post by dyerfrank » 21 Feb 2014, 04:00

The Road was long and dark
from a warm bed past the mist shrouded weir
past the river bridge
into the yard

Hospital lights flickered in the dawn
men dying as my journey began
After clocking in and fending
off the timekeeper's c

Smmrtmestos
Posts: 36
Joined: 06 Feb 2014, 08:06

Re: The Dry Dock Road

#2 Post by Smmrtmestos » 21 Feb 2014, 06:58

Very nice. Sounds like you've seen a lot.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1730
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Dry Dock Road

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 21 Feb 2014, 19:58

Hi Frank,


You wrote a dry dock road poem last March - already another year sojourned by us all

and now here you expand the perspective and the Universal then & now - lost/regain/lost


You use punctuation, and then you don't here. Here in this narrative, I recommend punctuation consistent throughout.


The dark and long Dry Dock Road
led from a warm bed past the mist shrouded weir
past the river bridge
into the Dry Dock yard.

btw, the mood/atmospheric reminds me a bit of Poe's "miasma" in Fall of the House of Usher


Hospital lights flickered in the dawn;
men dying as my journey began.
After clocking in and fending
off Cliff's charm,
I wheeled into the fitting shop.


Dirty and dank the fires roared
as Egbert piled them with coke.
He whinnied as he talked of his
beloved Jamaica. He was a prince there
or so it seemed.


Ships came in battered and worn;
and in three weeks sailed or steamed
with scraped bottoms, reseated valves,
and bolts smeared in copper-coat.


Evening were devoted to thermodynamics
and calculus; who cared?
In the end it was just a paper
inept in the bottom drawer        -- or maybe even inert instead of "kept"
put on parade at interviews.


Five years riding the Dry Dock Road
around the world to outposts
and remnants of the British Empire.
A new form of Imperialism
on copper mines and oil rigs.


Old kafirs longingly spoke
of full bellies under the old regime.      -- or system - b/c "administration" the multisyllables don't sound quite as right
We took our fill and returned,
bought our houses to settle down,
watching from afar the drifting
demise of a defeated continent.


Oh Africa, when will you awake
to a secured future.
When will your leaders
play fair, and teach your people
to ride the Dry Dock Road.

^^ Periods instead of question marks b/c the questions are rhetorical, although question marks could be applied instead.



:)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: The Dry Dock Road

#4 Post by dyerfrank » 21 Feb 2014, 22:14

Many thanks both for reading and commenting. I shall take your recommendations under consideration.

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: The Dry Dock Road

#5 Post by dyerfrank » 27 Mar 2014, 00:17

Thanks Anonymous, nice to get feedback. So many come and go on this forum, I hope you stay longer than most.

meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Dry Dock Road

#6 Post by meenas17 » 28 Mar 2014, 10:16

dyerfrank,

You have seen so many places.
"men dying as my journey began"- an oxymoron sets the tone of the poem.
The dark continent becomes a defeated continent in your poem.
The continent is dark but full of untapped natural resources.
Nicely written.
meenas17

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: The Dry Dock Road

#7 Post by dyerfrank » 28 Mar 2014, 15:06

Thank you meenas, you are too kind.

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