Introspection

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Introspection

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Feb 2014, 21:35

Final Final Edit

Not A Natural Disaster

Lounging in a racing Lancer
I see distant trees darken with night,
a bracket of serial bulbs - coming

closer - the outline
of a long hooked nose; suddenly
lights magnified on the mountain
blazing a 'v' in the running hand,

and I respond, "How breathtakingly beautiful."
My husband retorts, "No, how sad,
no helicopter there to douse those flames!
You're witnessing a forest fire,
how towering trunks collapse
into carcasses of charcoal.

Some rapacious trader set
the first spark." "Rascal,"
the driver interjects:

"Trees three hundred years
in a flash like inner skirts undone.






Final Edit

Lounging in a racing Lancer
I see distant trees darken with night,
a bracket of serial bulbs - upon

closer - the outline
of a long hooked nose; suddenly
lights magnified on the mountain
blazing a 'v' in the running hand, and I respond,

"How breathtakingly beautiful." The driver retorts,
"No, how sad, no helicopter there
to drown those flames! You're witnessing
a forest fire, how towering trunks collapse
into carcasses of charcoal.

Not a natural calamity.
Some rapacious trader set
the first spark." "Rascal," Maya interjects:
"three hundred year old trees falling
limp with ash, like undone inner skirts,

and another three hundred years to make trees like that."











pre-final edit

Lounging in a racing Lancer
I see distant trees darken with night,
a bracket of serial bulbs - upon

closer - the outline
of a long hooked nose; suddenly
lights magnified on the mountain
blazing a 'v' in the running hand, and I respond,

"How breathtakingly beautiful." The driver retorts,
"No, how sad, no helicopter there
to douse those flames! You're witnessing
a forest fire, how towering trunks collapse
into carcasses of charcoal.

Not a natural calamity.
Some rapacious trader set
the first spark." "Rascal!" Maya interjects:"three hundred year old trees falling limp with ash, like undone inner skirts.

and another three hundred years to make trees like that."



Edited

Lounging in a racing Landsor
I see the trees dark with the night
in the distance a bracket of serial bulbs.
Coming closer it is the outline
of a long and hooked nose; soon
the lights are magnified on the mountain
forming a 'v' in the running hand
looking like a bright and glowing necklace.
I say, ’How breathtakingly beautiful.’ He
says, ’How sad, there is no helicopter around
to douche those flames! What you see
is a forest fire, how the trees fall limp
leaving carcasses of charcoal.’
Some avaricious trader would have set
the first spark, these are not natural calamities,
the driver says ,’Rascal’ Maya says,
'Just think three hundred year old trees falling
limp with ash, like undone inner skirts
and it will take another three hundred years
to make trees like that.'


Lounging in a racing Landsor
I see the trees dark with the night
and in a distance a bracket of serial lights.
Coming closer it is the outline
of a long and hooked nose; soon
the lights are magnified on the mountain
forming the 'v' in a running hand
looking like a bright and glowing necklace.
I say, ’how breathtakingly beautiful.’ He
says, ’how sad, there is no helicopter around
to douche these fumes. What you see
is a forest fire how the trees fall limp
leaving carcasses of charcoal.
Some avaricious trader would have set
the first spark, these are not natural calamities,
the driver says ,’rascal’ Maya says,
'just think three hundred year old trees falling
limp with ash, like undone inner skirts and it will another three hundred years
to make trees like that.'

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Introspection

#2 Post by dyerfrank » 01 Mar 2014, 01:57

Lounging in a racing Landsor
I see the trees dark with the night
and in a distance a bracket of serial lights. [Should be 'In the distance'
Coming closer it is the outline ['It is' or 'You see'?]
of a long and hooked nose; soon [no and necessary, 'I see a long hooked nose.']
the lights are magnified on the mountain [How are the lights magnified, what magnifies them?]
forming the 'v' in a running hand [Shoul be a 'v'
looking like a bright and glowing necklace. [Bright glowing is OK]
I say, ’how breathtakingly beautiful.’ He [First letter in parentheses should be capitalised]
says, ’how sad, there is no helicopter around [Capital letter to start]
to douche these fumes. What you see [The flames, douching makes the fumes worse so you must mean flames!]
is a forest fire how the trees fall limp [limply would be correct, but the sentence structure is odd]
leaving carcasses of charcoal. [Carcasses, strictly meaning, is reserved for dead bodies, you have tried it, yet failed, is there a better word to express? Logs, lumps or even great blocks of dead wood.]
Some avaricious trader would have set [no need to add charcoal dealer, but it does clarify]
the first spark, these are not natural calamities,
the driver says ,’rascal’ Maya says, [Capital letter: first letter of a sentence]
'just think three hundred year old trees falling [Capitalise]
limp with ash, like undone inner skirts and it will [and is redundant, say: It will take.... ]
take another three hundred years to make trees like that.' [You are not speaking about one tree, use plural or griup word like forest, woods, copse and so on]

Like most of your work you tell a story or narrative, I assume English is not your first language, allowing for that I find this a very interesting work. You obviously cherish feedback else you would not post on here. You seem to be confused why and where to use, and, the, a, these, those, that. Suggest you think more carefully what these words mean and how to apply. In poetry we can break the rules of English usage, we can use gobbly gook and we can use short hand, but there should be a good reason. I find the 2nd sentence intriguing and yet the logic is suspect, it is a poetic line. But in poetry words must make sence. We know an outline of tress is dark, expecially in twilight, but in the dead of night there is no contrast therefore we cannot see the tree for the darkness. I feel you must mean you see an outline of dark trees exposed in the twilight. So why not say so? I feel your English usage is letting you down. After saying that I am allowing for the the quaintness of Indian speakers who have not been exposed to the western world. I find their way of speaking delightful, but what I see here is a serious attempt at universal English and it shows you need more effort in that. But, overall I think an excellent attempt and worthy of encouragement.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Introspection

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 01 Mar 2014, 05:38

Dyerfrank

A big thanks.

Siva

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Introspection

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 01 Mar 2014, 18:14

Hi Siva,

do you mean racing Lancer?

and perhaps the opening as

Lounging in a racing Lancer,
I see distant trees darken with night,
a bracket of serial bulbs.

and stanza breaks / white space - below workshopped for your perusal & consideration    :)   Michael (MV)


Lounging in a racing Lancer
I see distant trees darken with night,
a bracket of serial bulbs - upon

closer - the outline
of a long hooked nose; suddenly
lights magnified on the mountain
blazing a 'v' in the running hand, and I respond,

"How breathtakingly beautiful." The driver retorts,
"No, how sad, no helicopter there
to drown those flames! You're witnessing
a forest fire, how towering trunks collapse
into carcasses of charcoal.

Not a natural calamity.
Some rapacious trader set
the first spark." "Rascal," Maya interjects:
"three hundred year old trees falling
limp with ash, like inner skirts undone,

and another three hundred years to make trees like that."


 
 
 
 
 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Introspection

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 01 Mar 2014, 19:37

Michael

Thank you.I will keep this.I was just about to change the car to 'Lancer.'

Siva

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Introspection

#6 Post by dyerfrank » 02 Mar 2014, 23:55

Final edit
Lounging in a racing Lancer
I see distant trees darken with night, [darken in the evening light or closing light-suggestion]
a bracket of serial bulbs - upon

[upon] closer [inspection] - the outline
of a long hooked nose; [then] suddenly
lights magnified [magnify] on the mountain
blazing a 'v' in the running hand, and I respond,

"How breathtakingly beautiful." The driver retorts,
[The driver responds or says] "No, how sad, no helicopter there [Perosnally the pathos is in the trees dying ratehr than helicopters]
to drown [douse is a more appropriate word] those flames! You're witnessing [wordy at this point, too much telling how about: Towering trees collapse, cadavers of charcoal!]
a forest fire, how towering trunks collapse
into carcasses of charcoal.

Not a natural calamity. [Could leave this out alltogether]
Some rapacious trader set
the first spark." "Rascal," Maya interjects:
"three hundred year old trees falling
limp with ash, like inner skirts undone,

and another three hundred years to make trees like that." [Superfluous, we get it]

The editing has improved it somewhat, I would like to see sharper, more concise lines without telling.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Introspection

#7 Post by Michael (MV) » 03 Mar 2014, 19:56

Siva,

I see now that dyerfrank is correct about "douse" is the more precise word. So I retract my workshop suggestion of "drown."


However, re "Not a natural calamity"

perhaps it would better serve as title

or "Not a natural catastrophe"

or simply:

"calamity"

or

"catastrophe"


wait, wait, this just in .. this just occurred to me:

"Not a natural disaster"

I believe

"disaster"

is the word


Then the last stanza:

Some rapacious trader set
the first spark." "Rascal," Maya interjects: "Trees
three hundred years in the making, in a flash
like inner skirts undone.



8)

Michael (MV)

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Introspection

#8 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Mar 2014, 21:07

frank
Thank you for all the work you have put into this poem.You have definitely spent more time with it, reading and deliberating on it and I feel ashamed for abandoning it with a cursory edit.
Michael
Thanks as usual.You are a minimalist.And I am verbose.I am learning a lot in this group. better than any MFA programme.
Siva

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