Delusion - version 3

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dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Delusion - version 3

#1 Post by dyerfrank » 16 Mar 2014, 23:39

He cried for two nights
His dad told me down the line.

When he came on
voice impersonal, distant, trying
to be brave

I wanted to wipe his tears, gently,
as I do when he stays the week,
knowing not to say much

'Grandpa told me!' he had told his dad
his voice a quaver
'and I didn't believe him
and now I know!'

It hurts, unsaid. The bottom fell
out of his box.

Long silence.

The fables of men.

No star will ever shine so bright.
Pine needles smell so well
Wrapping paper rustle so loud

meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Santa

#2 Post by meenas17 » 25 Mar 2014, 20:55

A poem that says much without saying .
It tells of the hurt deep and intense.
Love the last line
"The beginning of the end"
meenas17

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Santa

#3 Post by dyerfrank » 26 Mar 2014, 02:46

Thank you for taking the trouble to reply to my posting. I had almost given up hope. I am glad you liked it. Welcome to the board, I hope you stay and enjoy.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1730
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Santa

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 26 Mar 2014, 19:02

Hi dyerfrank,


"The beginning of the end!"   -- too familiar for a line in the poem, esp a place as crucial as the closing

stronger as (and I'm including workshop suggestions):

No star will ever shine so bright,
pine needles smell so fragrant.
or wrapping paper rustle so loudly.



"Santa" is stronger for rising from the subtext, not at the head of the poem like Rudolph as the headlight of the sleigh   :)

^^ then perhaps, "The beginning of the end" might be the source of a title

"The Beginning"

^^ subtle & ironic, with   " . . of the end"   implied in the course of the poem, esp by the closing.



8)

Michael (MV)

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Santa

#5 Post by dyerfrank » 26 Mar 2014, 23:25

Thanks Michael
You are right, I used the last line in desperation, feeling there should be a punch line. Hackneyed phrases are so good, and yet we must be original. I used the obvious in the title thinking you might not get it... silly me.

Ok I will look at it again.

Frank

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