Disappearance of Deficit

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meenas17
Posts: 742
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Disappearance of Deficit

#1 Post by meenas17 » 24 Mar 2014, 09:37

The ties being relatively elusive

there being nothing in the offensive at the face

apparently they were repulsive in behaviour

going through the intensive interaction.



The filial relations not very helpful.

The parental love not there to fulfil.

being left alone by the entire regime

had to cope with struggle in the interim.



The travail being beyond the capacity

having to negotiate with a dedication

life being a challenge definitely

living up to the standard proved an impossibility.





The image of impeccable dignity pressing

somehow managed to get along in life

with not borrowed money to balance

but keeping a moderation of life style in reference.



Living so within modest means all through

succeeded in climbing through the ordeal truly

with that came the disappearance of deficit

as the surplus slowly made way with a smile.
meenas17

mojave
Posts: 737
Joined: 15 Jun 2005, 00:49
Location: Mojave Desert

Re: Disappearance of Deficit

#2 Post by mojave » 24 Mar 2014, 15:11

Meenas---

i think you hit a poetic as well as economic vein here:


The image of impeccable dignity pressing

somehow managed to get along in life

with not borrowed money to balance

but keeping a moderation of life style in reference.



Living so within modest means all through

succeeded in climbing through the ordeal truly

with that came the disappearance of deficit

as the surplus slowly made way with a smile.




is these lines above I scent a human person, buffeted by winds of both change and confusion.


bernie

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Disappearance of Deficit

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 24 Mar 2014, 21:35

meenas
Welcome to the group.
I think your lines are archaic and you have a round about way to tell a simple thing. I am hoping this is the only poem you have in this style.I also find a lot of gerunds.And your attempt to painstakingly rhyme is quite laborious.
The only one line that is a silver lining is,'as the surplus slowly made way with a smile.'It made me smile too.
Siva

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Disappearance of Deficit

#4 Post by dyerfrank » 27 Mar 2014, 00:13

It could just your style but I find I can't take to it, but then I also don't like most of Michael's poems because he likes short poems. Because of your style I cannot help much or give any concrete advise, It could be you are very gifted but i cannot see it yet.

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