The onus of the girl child
there being a push off
than father hating her
for no reason whatsoever.
The girl born suffers all through
being cursed by the father
held with affection by the mother
not openly but in the inner heart.
She grows up with the years
second to her brother
who gets all the goodies
she being happy with the remains.
The boy goes to school
no matter he studies or not
the girl is sent to the primary
then drops out considering the family's poverty.
The girl shares all the responsibilities
the years when she has to play
she spends doing household chores
even goes out to do domestic work.
The little salary she earns
adds to the family's sustenance
with the father always half drunk
and the mother toiling in the sun.
With little education and innocence
she gets married at a tender age
bears the yoke of marriage
never would her husband share.
Pity is the girl's life slogging and working
never could she rest for a single day
with the child on her way
praying that she not give birth to a girl.
The Poor Girl
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: The Poor Girl
meenas17,
1st, please observe:
"to keep up a reasonable ratio of number of substantive critiques of other poets' work when you post your own work for critique"
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=3040
Thanks, meenas17
This reads like prose in line breaks & stanzas, with some rhyming.
Good title, good opening line - "onus" carries a lot of weight - and also the close:
"with the child on her way
praying that she not give birth to a girl."
Maybe revise/rework from those 3 main components.
Maybe those components constitute enough for an impressionistic minimalist poem, with the narrative left to readers' imagination & reference:
The poor girl
The onus of the girl child.
With the child on her way
praying that she not give birth to a girl
If the pronoun "her" in the 2nd line refers to the baby, then the 3rd line is no longer speculative;
then instead w/ the article "the," and other modifications in the studies below:
The poor girl
The onus of the girl child.
With the child on the way,
mother prays
she not give birth to a girl.
The poor girl
The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
she not give birth to a girl.
The poor girl
The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
for not the birth of another girl.
I, also liked these 2 lines:
"held with affection by the mother
not openly but in the inner heart."
Can they be incorporated in the study?
The poor girl
held with affection by the mother.
not openly, but in the inner heart.
The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
for not the birth of another girl.
Then, in strength these 2 lines by merit of the double entendre in "yoke":
bears the yoke of marriage
never would her husband share.
then incorporating these in the study:
The poor girl
held with affection by the mother.
not openly, but in the inner heart;
nourished to bear
the yoke of a marriage -- w/out "husband" the poem is void of any male wor(l)d
with never a vow shared.
The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
for not the birth of another girl.
in the spirit of workshopping
Michael 9MV)
1st, please observe:
"to keep up a reasonable ratio of number of substantive critiques of other poets' work when you post your own work for critique"
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=3040
Thanks, meenas17
This reads like prose in line breaks & stanzas, with some rhyming.
Good title, good opening line - "onus" carries a lot of weight - and also the close:
"with the child on her way
praying that she not give birth to a girl."
Maybe revise/rework from those 3 main components.
Maybe those components constitute enough for an impressionistic minimalist poem, with the narrative left to readers' imagination & reference:
The poor girl
The onus of the girl child.
With the child on her way
praying that she not give birth to a girl
If the pronoun "her" in the 2nd line refers to the baby, then the 3rd line is no longer speculative;
then instead w/ the article "the," and other modifications in the studies below:
The poor girl
The onus of the girl child.
With the child on the way,
mother prays
she not give birth to a girl.
The poor girl
The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
she not give birth to a girl.
The poor girl
The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
for not the birth of another girl.
I, also liked these 2 lines:
"held with affection by the mother
not openly but in the inner heart."
Can they be incorporated in the study?
The poor girl
held with affection by the mother.
not openly, but in the inner heart.
The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
for not the birth of another girl.
Then, in strength these 2 lines by merit of the double entendre in "yoke":
bears the yoke of marriage
never would her husband share.
then incorporating these in the study:
The poor girl
held with affection by the mother.
not openly, but in the inner heart;
nourished to bear
the yoke of a marriage -- w/out "husband" the poem is void of any male wor(l)d
with never a vow shared.
The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
for not the birth of another girl.
in the spirit of workshopping
Michael 9MV)