The Poor Girl

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

The Poor Girl

#1 Post by meenas17 » 25 Mar 2014, 12:50

The onus of the girl child

there being a push off

than father hating her

for no reason whatsoever.



The girl born suffers all through

being cursed by the father

held with affection by the mother

not openly but in the inner heart.



She grows up with the years

second to her brother

who gets all the goodies

she being happy with the remains.



The boy goes to school

no matter he studies or not

the girl is sent to the primary

then drops out considering the family's poverty.



The girl shares all the responsibilities

the years when she has to play

she spends doing household chores

even goes out to do domestic work.



The little salary she earns

adds to the family's sustenance

with the father always half drunk

and the mother toiling in the sun.



With little education and innocence

she gets married at a tender age

bears the yoke of marriage

never would her husband share.



Pity is the girl's life slogging and working

never could she rest for a single day

with the child on her way

praying that she not give birth to a girl.
meenas17

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Poor Girl

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 25 Mar 2014, 19:49

meenas17,

1st, please observe:

"to keep up a reasonable ratio of number of substantive critiques of other poets' work when you post your own work for critique"

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=3040

Thanks, meenas17



This reads like prose in line breaks & stanzas, with some rhyming.


Good title, good opening line - "onus" carries a lot of weight - and also the close:

"with the child on her way
praying that she not give birth to a girl."


Maybe revise/rework from those 3 main components.

Maybe those components constitute enough for an impressionistic minimalist poem, with the narrative left to readers' imagination & reference:

The poor girl

The onus of the girl child.
With the child on her way
praying that she not give birth to a girl

If the pronoun "her" in the 2nd line refers to the baby, then the 3rd line is no longer speculative;
then instead w/ the article "the," and other modifications in the studies below:


The poor girl

The onus of the girl child.
With the child on the way,
mother prays
she not give birth to a girl.


The poor girl

The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
she not give birth to a girl.


The poor girl

The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
for not the birth of another girl.


I, also liked these 2 lines:

"held with affection by the mother
not openly but in the inner heart."

Can they be incorporated in the study?

The poor girl

held with affection by the mother.
not openly, but in the inner heart.

The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
for not the birth of another girl.


Then, in strength these 2 lines by merit of the double entendre in "yoke":

bears the yoke of marriage    
never would her husband share.

then incorporating these in the study:

The poor girl

held with affection by the mother.
not openly, but in the inner heart;

nourished to bear
the yoke of a marriage              -- w/out "husband" the poem is void of any male wor(l)d
with never a vow shared.

The onus of the girl child.
With the bump in her belly
mother prays
for not the birth of another girl.



in the spirit of workshopping

8)

Michael 9MV)

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Poor Girl

#3 Post by meenas17 » 26 Mar 2014, 06:24

I would redo and post it.
menas
meenas17

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