Hands Tell A Tale

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meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Hands Tell A Tale

#1 Post by meenas17 » 25 Mar 2014, 21:04

In my hands my little son found solace
rocking and singing he became calm
that be the beginning of my hands association .

Holding my hands my son got across
with a feeling secure he went about
that be the preliminary take of my hands.

Holding his hands I taught him to write
write did he with figures small and big
that was the secondary level of the hands of mine.

The hands that moulded him to the perfection
the way he grew up under its protection
that be the third degree connection of my hands.

The time has come for him to move
taking the hands of mine he goes forward
a final position of my hands with him.

Seeing my hands now I find
they be worn out with wrinkles around
shaky they are fit to end up the strive.

Well, they were the same hands long back
robust and strong full of life
soft and tender as a petal.

The hands have told you a story
that of being the tale of every mother
those born before, living now and going to be born
meenas17

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Hands Tell A Tale

#2 Post by dyerfrank » 27 Mar 2014, 00:02

Meenas, the poem is wordy, In fact you have gone over the top. It is prose arranged in stanzas. You constantly tell us the obvious, there are no hidden meanings no depths to plumb. You English usage is strange but adequate, I would prefer a simpler style.

Could you say and get the same message across:

[He filled my hands
as I rocked and sang
when first born] Doesn't this do the same job leaving us to fill in the gaps?

That's what I mean by over done, over cooked, prose. You have overdone the hands thing, often stating the obvious, we know old hands are wrinkled can you say it ina shorter way?

I suggest you prune to the quick and start agin. I like the theme, but two lines with 'hands' in them would be enough.

regards Farnk

In my hands my little son found solace
rocking and singing he became calm
that be the beginning of my hands association .

meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Hands Tell A Tale

#3 Post by meenas17 » 28 Mar 2014, 07:52

dyerfrank,

I cradled you
in my hands full
put you to sleep.

You crossed the road
under my eyes
secure and fast.

You learnt to write
letters in small and big
getting the cue from me.

You grew up
perfect and smart
wanting to reach great heights.

The tale of the hands
told by a mother
past, present and future.


Have edited it .
Must look better.

meena
meenas17

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Hands Tell A Tale

#4 Post by dyerfrank » 28 Mar 2014, 15:03

Beautifully done!

meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Hands Tell A Tale

#5 Post by meenas17 » 28 Mar 2014, 16:27

Thanks.
meenas17

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Hands Tell A Tale

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 29 Mar 2014, 05:20

'put you to sleep.' means something else.

meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Hands Tell A Tale

#7 Post by meenas17 » 29 Mar 2014, 21:30

"put you to sleep"
has different connotations.
we put children to sleep.
It also means killing,silencing everything
Coming to that sleep also has different meanings.
temporary sleep and permanent sleep -death.
meenas17

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Hands Tell A Tale

#8 Post by dyerfrank » 31 Mar 2014, 23:19

Put you to sleep is correct in this context, putting a baby to sleep. Some say, let me put the baby down, also correct, but I never used it.

Putting to sleep and putting down is aslo a metaphor for killing a dog say. I had the dog put down or he was put to sleep.

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