De Afrika

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

De Afrika

#1 Post by dyerfrank » 05 May 2014, 02:31

De Afrika

Looking back I remember
Mama loved her mealy-meal
boiled with salt added
rolled into a ball
melded with kapenta

The falling wind at dusk
in the rainy season
the sudden swift mayhem
of broken boughs
from shattered limbs
'Pas op', she would cry

In the night darkness
the rings of charcoal fires
cast abroad the smells
of cooking the silvery fish

So far away now
So far

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Afrika

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 05 May 2014, 05:16

This can be the title of the poem.'Oh Afrika.'

The poem ends here:

So far away now
So far

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1730
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Afrika

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 05 May 2014, 08:41

Hi dyerfrank

I'm in accord w/ Siva's suggestion for the title "Oh Afrika."


kapenta - fish that swim to the light - I wonder if that might be incorporated into the poem - see down below in my workshop illustrated


"Memories are made of this" not needed - too much like a topic sentence in a paragraph.


and would you let this poem represent the Block in the current IBPC - if you are not already representing another board -

please reply - accept or decline in the thread at Palaver:

Upcoming IBPC May 2014: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5872


Thanks, Frank,

8)

Michael (MV)   (music-lyric link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZizf-xtVRg)


"Oh Afrika"

Mama loved her mealy-meal
salted and boiled
rolled into a ball
melded with kapenta

The falling winds at dusk
in the rainy season
sudden swift mayhem
broken boughs
shattered limbs

In the evening air
the rings of charcoal fires
casting abroad the aroma
of cooking from their open hearths

So far away now
the fish that surface to the light
so close from faraway

 

 

 

 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Afrika

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 05 May 2014, 11:10

dyerfrank

Yes with Michael's workshop, this has become compact. Please accept, reply and do the needful.

Siva

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: Oh Afrika

#5 Post by dyerfrank » 06 May 2014, 02:39

Thanks guys, this originally was published years ago. I took it out of my bottom drawer to rework and it is much more compact. I don't know what the rules are for reworked poems and whether it is sufficiently different to qualify as a new work. In my opinion it is.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: De Afrika

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 06 May 2014, 05:13

dyerfrank

Is this repetition intentional?

we are made are made of them


Siva

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1730
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: De Afrika

#7 Post by Michael (MV) » 06 May 2014, 06:55

Hi dyerfrank,

Being cautious, it seems, dyerfrank, that your poem would not be eligible.

Here's the link to the rules: http://ibpc.webdelsol.com/rules

Sincerely,

Michael (MV)

 

 

 
 
 

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: De Afrika

#8 Post by dyerfrank » 07 May 2014, 00:22

Thanks Siva, silly mistake

Post Reply