Revisiting Greenly Park

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Chris
Posts: 155
Joined: 12 Mar 2009, 11:42

Revisiting Greenly Park

#1 Post by Chris » 07 Apr 2015, 20:56

Removed for further work-shopping.

Chris
Posts: 155
Joined: 12 Mar 2009, 11:42

Re: Revisiting Greenly Park

#2 Post by Chris » 23 Apr 2015, 12:33

I apologize for removing the previous post, but thought it inappropriate, and have now replaced it with an alternative poem.

FrankThird
Posts: 74
Joined: 21 Jan 2015, 18:43

Re: Revisiting Greenly Park

#3 Post by FrankThird » 24 Apr 2015, 13:56

I liked this poem straight away Christ, there is a descriptive quality that at first seems old yet is refreshing in it honesty. I hack away at poems very often and don't quite know if you would enjoy my hacking, but I assure you it is quite impersonal.

The magnolia tree, once grown
from a cutting, now possesses
a fuller trunk. It bristles
with shady branches.
[this is a nice introductory stanza I don't know if we really need so much detail.] How about:

[A magnolia full grown
bristles with shady branches
that lean over the koi
in their pond]

A park-bench still overlooks
the koi pond, where frogs fidget
around lily pads.
They stalk a hovering bee;
their actions create
undulations on the pond
seemingly in rhythm
with stirring leaves.

Or even:
[Frogs fidget in that pond
stalking a buzzing bee
frog footsteps leave
undulations that move
rhythmically with the
wind strewn leaves]


On a limb of the tree
a dove coocorcoos
[I love the use of the word 'coocoroos', I have not seen it before, I hope it is one you have coined'
to a reluctant mate.

Unexpectedly, a gust blows my hat off. [suggest: leave out unexpectedly, 'sudden' might work]
Bending to retrieve it, I see
a scar cut deep into the bark
by a penknife years ago:

Popeye
Loves
Olive Oyl
Forever [interesting]

As the sun drops behind
a summerhouse enshrouded by creepers, [enshrouded doesn't work for me, try a simper word]
a bee sting on my wrist reminds me, [clever line, wrist, watch, time] [try to suggest an old sting - an irritant - a new sting you would know about]
how incredibly late
I am for this evening's concert.


I have not seen you before, so assume you are new, therefore welcome and I hope you enjoy your time here.

Chris
Posts: 155
Joined: 12 Mar 2009, 11:42

Re: Revisiting Greenly Park

#4 Post by Chris » 24 Apr 2015, 18:21

Hi Frank,

Thanks for the welcome and for taking a look at this.

I appreciate your suggestions and have revised the poem accordingly.

I notice you found the bark carving interesting. I spent some time considering what names to insert there as most names would carry some or other reference for readers. I opted for cartoon characters to imply immaturity at the time of carving, and also to (as with the tree) imply growth since. If you've any suggestions for alternative names, I'd appreciate hearing them. :)

Thanks again for your assistance,

Chris

Chris
Posts: 155
Joined: 12 Mar 2009, 11:42

Re: Revisiting Greenly Park

#5 Post by Chris » 25 Apr 2015, 21:55

I made a further edit to this, by amending S6L5 to read:

I am for this evening's art exhibition.

I hope this adds some value to the poem as a whole.

FrankThird
Posts: 74
Joined: 21 Jan 2015, 18:43

Re: Revisiting Greenly Park

#6 Post by FrankThird » 26 Apr 2015, 16:24

As the sun drops behind
a summerhouse covered by creepers,
a bee sting on my wrist reminds me,
how incredibly late
I am for this evening's concert.

This last stanza bothers me, it has an ending for sure, but seems to lack some kind of staement at the end. It sort of dies with a whimper, changing the venue that you are late for does nothing to improve the poem. The sun dropping tell of end of day, Ok maybe replace 2nd lne with something more concise:

[The sun bows down, beneath the roof
of the ivy clad summerhouse and the
bee sting on my wrist reminds me I'm late
for the evening's concert]

or a variation on this theme, it still lacks panache

Chris
Posts: 155
Joined: 12 Mar 2009, 11:42

Re: Revisiting Greenly Park

#7 Post by Chris » 26 Apr 2015, 18:17

Hi Frank,

Thanks for taking another look at this.

I've followed your suggestions regarding the final stanza, with an added modification,
that also highlights the importance of time in this narrator's life-cycle.

I appreciate your help.

Chris

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