Arockiyam, My Driver.

[meenas17]

Born to parents
well read and well placed
I had the best of all.

Orthodoxy and discipline
overwhelmed the part
of my early life.


Arockiyam, our old driver
would drive through the busy roads,
negotiate the heavy traffic and
take me safely to school in the morning
to the music master's house in the afternoon
to the dance class in the evening,


He monitored every move
reported my mistakes
to my mother. Discreetly would say,
amma, correct, thangachi.


My enraged mother once
gave me a good spanking
Arockiyam came to my rescue
carried me, wiped my tears
and pacified me gently.

I cursed Arockiyam
shouted at him
'go to hell, go and die.'


I recall the old man
remember his care,
and my curse too.
I cry silently.

[FranktheFrank]

Wow Meenas,

[FranktheFrank]

Born to parents
well read and well placed
I had the best of all.


*****
very good Meena, excellent.

[meenas17]

Born to parents
well read and well placed
I had the best of all.

Orthodoxy and discipline
overwhelmed that part [that part]
of my early life.


Arockiyam, our old driver
would drive through the busy roads,
negotiate the heavy traffic and
take me safely to school in the mornings
to the music master's house in the afternoons
to the dance class in the evenings.


He monitored every move of mine,
reported my mistakes
to my mother. Discreetly would say,
Amma, correct- thangachi.

My enraged mother
once gave me a good spanking
Arockiyam came to my rescue,
carried me, wiped my tears
and pacified me gently.

I cursed Arockiyam
shouted at him
'Go to hell, go and die.'

Frank,
It is great to workshop on poems.
I will learn the technique.
I keenly follow yours and Michael's.

Thanks for working on this poem.
Regards,
Meena.

[FranktheFrank]

You have made progress Meenas,

[meenas17]

Thanks for the coaching.
I will proofread and then post.
The capitals and punctuations I miss.
Spellings I do not flounder.
Grammar, at times, I falter.

Regards,
Meena.

[FranktheFrank]

Meenas
A suggetsion, part of growing in poetry is workshopping, writing only is fine
but workshopping helps you gain a critical eye. That critical eye as it develops will see where your own poems are weak. Why not try workshopping some poems. Try mine, be as hard as you like, it may help you in the long run.

regards

Frank

[meenas17]

Frank,
I will do.

Meena.

[Michael (MV)]

Hi meenas17,


consider for the first 2 stanzas:

Born to parents
well-educated and situated,
I had the best of all,

except orthodoxy and discipline
overwhelmed my formative years.



I esp like the close - it makes the poem; yet here is my workshop share, as I hear it:

When I remember the old
man and his care,
I recall my curse, too
and silently, as if in prayer,
I cry.





Michael (MV)

[meenas17]

Born to parents
well-educated and situated,
I had the best of all,

except orthodoxy and discipline
overwhelmed my formative years.

Arockiyam, our old driver
would drive through the busy roads,
negotiate the heavy traffic and
take me safely to school in the mornings
to the music master's house in the afternoons
to the dance class in the evenings.

He monitored every move of mine
reported my mistakes
to mother. Discreetly would say,
amma, correct, thangachi

My enraged mother
once gave me a good spanking
Arockiyam came to my rescue,
carried me, wiped my tears
and pacified me gently.

I cursed Arockiyam
shouted at him
'Go to hell, go and die.'

When I remember the old
man and his care,
I recall my curse, too
and silently, as if in prayer,
I cry.

Michael,
I have modified the first 2 stanzas and the last one too.

Meena.

[FranktheFrank]

I am expecting this to get some recognition,

Best wishes if it goes through.

[meenas17]

Born to parents
well-educated and situated,
I had the best of all,

except orthodoxy, but discipline
overwhelmed my formative years.

Arockiyam, our old driver
would drive through the busy roads,
negotiate the heavy traffic and
take me safely to school in the mornings
to the music master's house in the afternoons
to the dance class in the evenings.

He monitored every move of mine
reported my mistakes
to my mother. Discreetly would say,
amma, correct thangachi.

My enraged mother
once gave me a good spanking
Arockiyam came to my rescue,
carried me away, wiped my tears
and pacified me gently.

I cursed Arockiyam
shouted at him
'Go to hell! go and die.'

When I remember the old
man and his care,
I recall my curse, too
and silently, as if in prayer,
I cry.

Frank,
Thanks for your valuable suggestions

Regards,
Meena.

[FranktheFrank]

Always a comma before 'but' always, because of the contrast.

I wish I was rich, but will always be poor.

We want you to win, so we must get it right.

I would capitalise Amma, used as a name, but will leave it to you.

I think this is a fine poem Meenas. We must winkle more out of you
like a welk in its shell we won't use a pin though.

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi Meenas17.

Here, I didn't read "orthodoxy and discipline" as a contrast; and I still don't.

I definitely differentiate between discipline, which keeps us free & strong against deceitfulness,
and punishment, which is pain inflicted by the system when one becomes aware of & responsive to the vision outside the box of orthodoxy,


Consider this arrangement with dogma in lieu of "orthodoxy"

Born to parents
well-educated and situated,
I had the best of all;

unfortunately, dogma enforced with punishment
overwhelmed my formative years.
 


Or, in lieu of dogma, the variation dogged:

Born to parents
well-educated and situated,
I had the best of all;

unfortunately, the "or else" of orthodoxy
dogged my formative years.

^^ I actually prefer this more familiar phrasing.



Meenas17,

f you don't already have a poem committed to represent another board this upcoming July IBPC,

then please consider representing the WB.

Please reply - accept or decline - in the thread at Palaver Upcoming July IBPC 2016:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6306

^^ If accepting, please supply ALL the needed info, including the poem as you would like it forwarded.

Thanks, Meenas17




Michael (MV)
 


  
 
 
 
 
 
 

[FranktheFrank]

Meenas
Yes I like the last edit, I think it is complete at last.

Born to parents
well read and well placed
I had the best of all.

Orthodoxy and discipline
overwhelmed the [that] part
of my early life.

Congratulations that Michael has asked you to represent the board with this poem for July 2016, this is your first I believe.

p.s. Your stanza spacing is erratic.

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi Meenas17,

reading the poem, spending time with it b/c as a reader-writer & human, I related to it.

And here I share in toto my workshopping, illustrated for your persual & consideration     -- Michael (MV)


Born to parents
well-educated and situated,
the best was available to me.

Unfortunately, the "or else" of orthodoxy
dogged my formative years.

Arockiyam, our old chauffeur
navigated through the heavy
traffic on the busy roads,
driving me safely to school,
then after to the music master's house,
before evening dance class.

He monitored my every move
reporting each mistakes discreetly
saying: "Amma, correct, thangachi".

Enraged, mother once began
to give me a thorough thrashing.
Arockiyam rushed to my rescue;
lifted me, wiped my tears
and pacified me gently.

In my young confusion
about his switch to consoler,
I yelled at Arockiyam,
"Die and go to hell."

^^ I can understand this confused anger. The one who reported and elicited the anger of the mother, then turns around and plays the consoler. Such, can be confusing to the young.

When I remember the old
man and his care,
I recant my curse, too;
and silently, as if in prayer,
I cry.


^^ compassion


Since Arockiyam and Driver are in the narrative, I wonder if the title space can be something else - maybe Reliving or Re-membering

When we recall a memory, we can then edit/revise it.

This is the process I see/read here. You recall the elder, and then re-member him with the peaceful regard of redemption/atonement.

recalling to recant
the curse is erased - never was




Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 

[FranktheFrank]

But the poem must go through soon.

[paylituzu]

well-educated and situated, I had the best of all,. except orthodoxy, but discipline overwhelmed my formative years. Arockiyam, our old driver
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