An Anachronism

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

An Anachronism

#1 Post by meenas17 » 04 Jul 2016, 21:03

In a family of dominant siblings,

the eldest of us all is my sister,
who was the apple of my parent's eyes
domineered with a will unconquerable
notwithstanding an avarice insatiable
Temperamental in her behaviour,
she wielded enormous authority
in the affairs of the family
amassed the largesses with an amiable ease.

A dark slim boy, my eldest brother, susceptible to eccentricities.
turned overnight into a hefty, bullish man.
Known for his impudence even as a toddler,
he defied my father all through.
As a chosen pleasure,
dissipated peace with a fervour.

My next brother made no good
of his opportunities at any level
emerged a boss all of a sudden
displacing my parents from their citadel.

A quiet girl, docile and demure
came up next in line.

She felt not her feet in her childhood
remains so even now
being exiled from the family for reasons unknown.
Consequently, a non-recipient of her rightful fortune
she lives in absolute peace. Ironical!
Writing and reading
being the passion of her life
she thinks not of her loss
The unfortunate one is anyone's guess.


The brother born the fifth in line
preaches one practises another.
Ambiguous he is, as always,
speaks no truth. Pretends to be ingenuous.
In reality, he is an imposter.

The youngest of all a brother too,
street smart and savant in his days
became a dissident all too soon
With his nose in others affairs
thinks he is great and unsurpassable
having ties with officials and politicians.

I,
Oh! What a child, I have been!
and what am I now!
a good for nothing person
with no voice and without any rightful share.

Pity,
I see myself strange
bearing no semblance
to the ways of the world.
An anachronism all too sure!
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: An Anachronism

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 Jul 2016, 22:03

You are writing well Meenas, trying out new genres
and with confidence. This is a family narrative
excellent start and tell us the focus of the poem immediately:
a family and dominance.


In a family of dominant siblings,

the eldest of us all is my sister, [we know she is your sister and that
the eldest sibling will be a bother or sister, so can you say: the eldest named
Mary - this tells us gender and a name, names are so useful in narrative
you may chose any name you like or even invent a name]

who was the apple of my parent's eyes
domineered with a will unconquerable
notwithstanding an avarice insatiable

[notwithstanding is hardly necessary, only if you feel strongly about its use]

Temperamental in her behaviour,
she wielded enormous authority
in the affairs of the family
amassed the largesses with an amiable ease.

A dark slim boy, my eldest brother, susceptible to eccentricities.
[I really think you should name the siblings, its difficult to write this way and to keep track]

turned overnight into a hefty, bullish man.
Known for his impudence even as a toddler,
he defied my father all through. [defied our father throughout his ...]
As a chosen pleasure,
dissipated peace with a fervour.

My next brother made no good
of his opportunities at any level [here is a comparison, no good, but emerged. . . ]
emerged a boss all of a sudden
displacing my parents from their citadel. [You mean he went higher up the social ladder?]

A quiet girl, docile and demure
came up next in line. [names would help this fine narrative, Susan or Sivas - a quite introspective girl . . ]

She felt not her feet in her childhood [is this an Indian saying 'felt not her feet?' if not do you mean she did not find her feet?]
remains so even now
being exiled from the family for reasons unknown.
Consequently, a non-recipient of her rightful fortune
she lives in absolute peace. Ironical! [good paragraph]
Writing and reading
being the passion of her life
she thinks not of her loss
The unfortunate one is anyone's guess.


The brother born the fifth in line
preaches one practises another.
Ambiguous he is, as always,
speaks no truth. Pretends to be ingenuous.
In reality, he is an imposter.

The youngest of all a brother too, [the youngest of all, a name will tell us the gender ]
street smart and savant in his days [do you mean savvy?]
became a dissident all too soon [you are dipping into cliches - 'all too soon' - unless you really want it]
With his nose in others affairs
thinks he is great and unsurpassable [unsurpassed]
having ties with officials and politicians.

I,
Oh! What a child, I have been!
and what am I now!
a good for nothing person
with no voice and without any rightful share.

Pity,
I see myself strange
bearing no semblance
to the ways of the world.
An anachronism all too sure!

Very good Meenas, enjoyed the read.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: An Anachronism

#3 Post by meenas17 » 05 Jul 2016, 07:34

In a family of dominant siblings,

the eldest of us all is Shalu,
who was the apple of my parent's eyes
domineered with a will unconquerable
notwithstanding an avarice insatiable
Temperamental in her behaviour,
she wielded enormous authority
in the affairs of the family
amassed the family's wealth with an amiable ease.

A dark slim boy, my eldest brother,
Laksha,susceptible to eccentricities.
turned overnight into a hefty, bullish man.
Known for his impudence even as a toddler,
he defied our father throughout his lifetime
As a chosen pleasure,
dissipated peace with a fervour.

Tiago,my next brother, made no good
of his opportunities at any level
but,emerged a boss all of a sudden
displacing my parents from their status.

A quiet, introspective girl, Meena,
docile and demure
came up next in line.

She did not find her feet in her childhood
remains so even now
being exiled from the family for reasons unknown.
Consequently, a non-recipient of her rightful fortune
she lives in absolute peace. Ironical!
Writing and reading
being the passion of her life
she thinks not of her loss
The unfortunate one is anyone's guess.

Palam, born the fifth in line
preaches one practises another.
Ambiguous he is, as always,
speaks no truth. Pretends to be ingenuous.
In reality, he is an impostor.

The youngest of all, Shan,
street smart and savvy in his days
became a dissident.
With his nose in others affairs
thinks he is great and unsurpassed,
having ties with officials and politicians.

I,
Oh! What a child, I have been!
and what am I now!
a good for nothing person
with no voice and without any rightful share.

Pity,
I see myself strange
bearing no semblance
to the ways of the world.
An anachronism all too sure!

Frank,
I thought of naming the siblings. Fearing, I will become too personal, I refrained.
It is a short autobiography in a poem.
Nice to know that you enjoyed reading it.
Thanks for the workshopping.

Best,
Meena.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: An Anachronism

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 05 Jul 2016, 11:44

Much better with names Meenas, we don't have to use
names that we know, we can embellish, lie, create fictional
names whenever we like.

The power of the poet is immense in his/her narratives.

Much better.

A friend of mine tells me always, don't tinker, leave the original
draft and place the new edition above it in the first page you started,
so we can compare. Then leave it for a while and then revise carefully
so as not to destroy the power of the original draft.

well done.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: An Anachronism

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 05 Jul 2016, 19:07

Meenas,
We poets often write about ourselves, but we also write from the perspective of friends, acquaintances, people we have seen and so on. It is not necessary for you to bare your soul by saying this is me. We will accept that if you write from Satan's point of view or Kali that you are not Kali. So don't worry about names, use any name you like, we enjoy reading the poetry. I hope that is helpful. We have no right to demand if this is you personally when you write in the first person voice.

I address the last two stanzas,

I,
Oh! What a child, I have been!
and what am I now!
a good for nothing person
with no voice and without any rightful share.

Pity,
I see myself strange
bearing no semblance
to the ways of the world.
An anachronism all too sure!

This is a strong statement, very strong. I don't know anyone
who hasn't felt unworthy at some time in their life. So unless you
have strong reasons for writing this way I would suggest you temper
the self judgement. I know it is only a sentiment, but sentiments
can give the wrong idea at times.

In the Christian set up it is normal for someone to announce in a prayer
meeting that they are sinners. No one pays any notice, we don;t think they
are Jack the Ripper or evil, we accept that they are saying compared to God
they are unworthy. And even if they have done something terrible, they have
now confessed and it is between them and God.

I sense you are trying to articulate that you are not like the rest of the world,
not caught up in the frivolities and the sham of this world. You are content to be,
to read and study. The world will consider you a plain person for not joining in its
excitement, religion, parties, social activities etc. If this is the case can you word
the last two stanza to reflect this in a more accurate way?

Also, you have found your voice, yes?

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: An Anachronism

#6 Post by meenas17 » 05 Jul 2016, 20:46

I,
Oh! What a child, I have been!
and what am I now!
a good for nothing person
with no voice and without any rightful share
yet content. Happy I am to be so
away from the mundane.

Pity,
I see myself strange
bearing no semblance
to the ways of the world.
Like not to be in a crowd,
detest socialising, neither
a conversationalist nor an entertainer.
I read books like a devil!
I turn an angel when I
listen to music, soulful and mellifluous
I contemplate on the niceties of life:
a rose enchants, a bird's tweet
enlivens, a child's smile fascinates
a drizzle bewitches me. I fly. I soar.
I sail.

Am I a mystic? I ponder.
Nay, I am not. I am an ordinary human.


An anachronism all too sure.

Frank,
Have I articulated strongly?
Thoughts rush in and I clothe them sometimes beautifully, other times shabbily.
I revise, re revise, before I submit. You would have noticed it. Mistakes are less.
Thanks.

Best,
Meena.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: An Anachronism

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 05 Jul 2016, 20:49

Yes, I have noticed, it's all a learning curve Meenas, enjoy the journey.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: An Anachronism

#8 Post by meenas17 » 06 Jul 2016, 15:05

In a family of dominant siblings,

the eldest of us all is Shalu,
who was the apple of my parent's eyes
domineered with a will unconquerable
notwithstanding an avarice insatiable
Temperamental in her behaviour,
she wielded enormous authority
in the affairs of the family
amassed the family's wealth with an amiable ease.

A dark slim boy, my eldest brother,
Laksha,susceptible to eccentricities.
turned overnight into a hefty, bullish man.
Known for his impudence even as a toddler,
he defied our father throughout his lifetime
As a chosen pleasure,
dissipated peace with a fervour.

A quiet, introspective girl, Meenu,
docile and demure
came up next in line.

She did not find her feet in her childhood
remains so even now
being exiled from the family for reasons unknown.
Consequently, a non-recipient of her rightful fortune
she lives in absolute peace. Ironical!
Writing and reading
being the passion of her life
she thinks not of her loss
The unfortunate one is anyone's guess.

Palam, born the fifth in line
preaches one practises another.
Ambiguous he is, as always,
speaks no truth. Pretends to be ingenuous.
In reality, he is an impostor.

The youngest of all, Shan,
street smart and savvy in his days
became a dissident.
With his nose in others affairs
thinks he is great and unsurpassed,
having ties with officials and politicians.

I,
Oh! What a child, I have been!
and what am I now!
a good for nothing person
with no voice and without any rightful share
yet content. Happy I am to be so
away from the mundane.

Pity,
I see myself strange
bearing no semblance
to the ways of the world.
Like not to be in a crowd,
detest socialising, am neither
a conversationalist nor an entertainer.
I read books like a devil!
I turn an angel when I
listen to music, soulful and mellifluous
I contemplate on the niceties of life:
a rose enchants, a bird's tweet
enlivens, a child's smile fascinates
a drizzle bewitches me. I fly. I soar.
I sail.

Am I a mystic? I ponder.
Nay, I am not. I am an ordinary human.


An anachronism all too sure.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: An Anachronism

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 Jul 2016, 21:34

Frank has helped you quite a bit. I like the poem. I have a few minor suggestions.
I would remove the lines:
notwithstanding an avarice insatiable

and

As a chosen pleasure,
dissipated peace with a fervour.

Replace 'feet' with 'footing' in 'She did not find her feet'...

and remove 'Like not to be in a crowd,', just put 'I' before 'detest socializing...'

and either remove or cut down on these lines(they're too common)...I would remove them. 'Soulful and mellifluous' is enough.
I contemplate on the niceties of life:
a rose enchants, a bird's tweet
enlivens, a child's smile fascinates
a drizzle bewitches me. I fly. I soar.
I sail.

And take out 'Nay'. It's too formal, too poetic.

These are simple changes, and should help. At the core you have a very appealing poem, which will become even better with some trimming.

Best, Bob

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