Pricey Curios.

[meenas17]

I am fascinated
not by a painting of Van Gogh,
but by an iron safe, dated
17/02/1754.

Funny, ain't it to like one?
so huge, and sturdy?
Its ruggedness is exquisite

The charm lies in its structure,
firm and impenetrable
has many secret chambers
which invite a scrutiny. The keyholes
visible and invisible add to its security.


The embellishments:
the motifs on the door, the brass handles
the emblem with the words "Dieu Et
Mon Droit", held by a lion and a horse
extend a pride to its stature.

I longed to buy one similar.
My protege Rajendran
saw not one, but two such.
He bought them at once
as antique sell fast. The quote is
unbelievable.

Sentiments play a role in such purchases.
My mind races,
"Is it from someone who lost heavily?
Are they selling it for want of money?"
Rajendran had told me the owners are selling
for want of space. They are moving to a smaller house.

I probe, check, cross verify not once
but hundreds of times. I pester him. Vexed,
at one stage, he bursts out amma, vendam
enral thiruppi anuppi vidunga.
If you have doubts send them back.

My suspicions and I are inseparable.
Still, I command respect.
A bundle of contradictions is what I am?

[FranktheFrank]

You confidence in writing on such a variety of scenarios is
encouraging, keep going, that's how you will iron out your
gremlins.

[meenas17]

I am fascinated
not by a painting of Van Gogh,
but by an iron safe, dated
17/02/1754.

Funny, isn't it to like one
so huge, and sturdy?
Its ruggedness is exquisite.

The charm lies in its structure,
firm and impenetrable
has many secret chambers
which invite a scrutiny. The keyholes
visible and invisible improve security.

The motifs on the door, the brass handles,
the emblem with the words
"Dieu Et Mon Droit", held by a lion and a horse
extend pride to its stature.

I longed to buy one
My protégé Rajendran
saw not one, but two such.
He bought them at once
for a price unbelievable.

Sentiments play a role in such purchases.
My mind races,
"Is it from someone who lost heavily?
Are they selling it for want of money?"
"Not so", says Rajendran
They are moving to a smaller house.

I probe, check, cross verify.
I pester him. Vexed,
at one stage, he bursts out Amma,
vendam enral thiruppi anuppi vidunga.
If you doubt me, send them back.

Suspicions and I are inseparable.

Frank,

I have revised. Hope I have ironed out my gremlins to a certain extent.

Meena.

[FranktheFrank]

This could be a very good poem,
it is a pity you cannot see the punctuation errors.

[meenas17]

Fascinated I am
not by a painting of Van Gogh,
but by an iron safe, dated
17/02/1754.

Funny, isn't it to like one
so huge, and sturdy.
Its ruggedness is exquisite.

The charm lies in its structure,
firm and impenetrable.
It has many secret chambers
which invite a scrutiny. The keyholes
visible and invisible improve security.

The motifs on the door, the brass handles,
the emblem with the words
"Dieu Et Mon Droit", held by a lion and a horse
extend pride to its stature.

I longed to buy one.
Protégé Rajendran
saw not one, but two.
He bought them at once
for an unbelievable price.

Sentiments play a role in such purchases.
My mind races,
"Is it from someone who lost heavily? I ponder
Are they selling it for want of money?"
I deliberate.
"Not so", says Rajendran.
"They are moving to a smaller house."

I probe, check, cross verify.
I pester him. Vexed,
at one stage, he bursts out
"Amma,vendam enral thiruppi anuppi vidunga!
If you doubt me, send them back".

Suspicion is not the better
part of my valour.
I trail. I derail.
Rajendran compensates.
He decides on my behalf.


Frank,
Worked on it. Punctuations always let me down.
I have checked them.

Meena.

[FranktheFrank]

Yes, much better, why did you not do this first time?

[meenas17]

Anyone who reads it would like to buy an iron safe.
The poem kindles the interest of the reader. I have asked Rajendran to buy another one.
Well, Frank, your prompts have worked wonders.
I will work on it.

Thanks for the coaching and encouragement.

Best.

[FranktheFrank]

You are a poet Meena

you have only just started your journey

many good things to come.

best

[meenas17]

Fascinated I am
not by a painting of Van Gogh,
but by an iron safe, year:1754.

Funny, isn't it to like one
so huge, and sturdy.
Its ruggedness is exquisite.

The charm lies in its structure,
firm and impenetrable.
It has many secret chambers;
its keyholes, visible and invisible,
improves security and invites scrutiny.

The motifs on the door, the brass handles,
the emblem with the words
"Dieu Et Mon Droit" (God And My Right),
supported by a lion and a horse
extend pride to its stature.

I longed to buy one.
Protégé Raju
saw not one, but two.
He promises to buy them
for an unbelievable price,
much higher than what
I would have offered.

Sentiments play a role in such purchases.
My mind races,
Is it from someone who lost heavily? I ponder
Are they selling it for want of money?
"Not so", says Raju.
"They are moving to a smaller house."

I probe, check, cross verify.
Is the seller related to Raj?
etho kaaranam irukku
illaamala avan vegappaduvaan
must be for some reason
Raj is in a hurry.
I pester him. Vexed,
at one stage, he bursts out
Amma, vendam enral solli vidunga
Amma, If you think like this
you are not going to buy them".

Suspicion is not the better
part of my nature.
I trail. I derail.
Raj makes up
for my indecisiveness.
He concludes the deal
knowing my penchant for antiques
and my fleeting indignation.

Frank,
Added little not much.
Only the year of make is marked not the date on any product.
You see the minute details. I miss them.

Thanks,

Meena.

[FranktheFrank]

Yes, much better.

[FranktheFrank]

Fascinated I am
not by a painting of Van Gogh,
but by an iron safe, year:1754. [I you have a maker (manufacturer) please add i.e. marked: Brown & Hardwick 1794]

Funny, isn't it to like one
so huge, and sturdy.
Its ruggedness is exquisite. [good]

The charm lies in its structure,
firm and impenetrable.
It has many secret chambers;
its keyholes, visible and invisible,
improves security and invites scrutiny. [good]

The motifs on the door, the brass handles, [motif or motifs, what do they say?]
the emblem with the words [Royal emblem?]
"Dieu Et Mon Droit" (God and My Right),
supported by a lion and a horse
extend pride to its stature.

I longed to buy one.
Protégé Raju
saw not one, but two.
He promises to buy them [declares an interest would be correct, its also a legal term, buyers will not sell unless they confer with the potential buyer]
for an unbelievable price,
much higher than what
I would have offered.

Sentiments play a role in such purchases.
My mind races,
Is it from someone who lost heavily? I ponder
Are they selling it for want of money? [excellent, you've got it]
"Not so[,]" says Raju. [https://www.ego4u.com/en/cram-up/writing/comma?11]
"They are moving to a smaller house."

I probe, check, cross verify. [you might prefer cross-verify?]
Is the seller related to Raj?
etho kaaranam irukku [Etho]
illaamala avan vegappaduvaan
must be for some reason
Raj is in a hurry. [You don't have to shorten the name as I did, I only did that to save time typing, you use full name of short, your choice]
I pester him. Vexed,
at one stage, he bursts out
["]Amma, vendam enral solli vidunga["]
["]Amma, If you think like this
you are not going to buy them". [suggest: you're gonna miss out, or you won't get them]

Suspicion is not the better
part of my nature. [good]
I trail. I derail.
Raj makes up [again full name or shortened - your choice]
for my indecisiveness.
He concludes the deal
knowing my penchant for antiques
and my fleeting indignation.

Meena, this is an excellent narrative, please check the punctuation again.
I don't see any errors only the ones marked [thus].
Don't forget, start speech with a capital letter, for safety include the translation
with speech marks so the reader knows it is a translation of the speech.

Michael may have some input and when you have the final version
I am tempted to nominate this for next month.

One last point Meena, if you are not happy with any suggestions
then you must stick to your guns even if wrong, otherwise you will not
develop as a writer. The skill is in deciding what you like. It's no good
putting in what I suggest if you are not happy with the story line. Usually
what works is what the writer enjoys.

With you and I, it means much revision.
Well done

[Billy]

I really do wish the rewrites would be done above the original posts.

[meenas17]

It is a good suggestion, Billy.

[FranktheFrank]

What about the revision?

What about a critique?

[Billy]

My re-write of the original. It needs a better ending.


I am fascinated
not by a painting of Van Gogh,
but by an iron safe, dated
17/02/1754.

so huge, and sturdy
Its ruggedness is exquisite

The charm lies in its structure,
firm and impenetrable
many secret chambers
invite scrutiny. Keyholes
visible and invisible.


Motifs on the door, brass handle,
emblem with the words "Dieu Et
Mon Droit", held by a lion and a horse.

I longed to buy one similar.
My protege Rajendran
saw not one, but two such.
He bought them at once
as antiques sell fast.

Sentiments play a role
in such purchases.
My mind races,
"Is it from someone who lost heavily?
Are they selling it for want of money?"

Rajendran told me the owners
are selling for want of space.
They are moving to a smaller house.

I probe, check, cross verify not once
but hundreds of times. I pester him. Vexed,
at one stage, he bursts out amma, vendam
enral thiruppi anuppi vidunga.
If you have doubts send them back.

My suspicions and I are inseparable.
Still, I command respect.
A bundle of contradictions is what I am?


'Now I have an impregnable safe
to feed my suspicions
no matter all life is full of doubts.'

[meenas17]

Thanks, Billy.

[Billy]

My suggested ending is just an example. It's not that good. You need to push your poetry to another level of intuitiveness.

[FranktheFrank]

I like your poetry Meena

[meenas17]

Thanks again, Billy.
I do not get the point, "push your poetry to another level of intuitiveness."

Writing is my passion. My Indianized way of writing could appeal to some, be not liked by many.
Well, I am an Indian. I have the "Indianness" in me in what all I do. Writing being no exception.
Awards and recognitions are for the deserving and fortunate ones.
I write with a sincerity. Though I am not well known, I am recognised by a handful.
They like my poems. That is my reward.

Thanks, Frank for your sustained encouragement.

Best.

[Billy]

Meenas, I'm sorry my remarks seemed to upset you. You can think about what people say and keep what works and throw out what doesn't work for you. But we all can keep learning and pushing ourselves to new ways of looking at our writing. My own writing has changed in big ways and little ways over the years. I've followed some bad advice and learned from it. I've followed good advice and learned from it, and I've ignored a lot of advice and that worked out too.

[meenas17]

Billy, no hard feelings.
I was upset for a moment, then got over.
Writing invites criticism. One is happy to receive anything good. Feel bad if it is discouraging.
It is all in the perception.
I appreciate your comments.
Please do not stop posting comments on my work.

Best,
Meena.

[paylituzu]

Pricey curios include virtually all seashells, egg cases, and whole scelaractinian coral colonies, whose extraction exacts a host of both direct and indirect effects ...

goldenslot
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