Chinappa Calls.

[meenas17]

Chinappa walks royal with a silver betel box.
It is a year since he came.

The family greets him. He is their trusted astrologer

The next morning he is up.
Nice to see him with a dhoti around his waist.
His bare chest is smeared with ash.
He keeps munching the betel leaf,
spitting the juice in the spittoon.

Chinappa is at his job.
As goes the tradition horoscopes are cast after the child's first birthday.


He sits erect before the low desk ornated with brass.
A panchanga lies open.

He calculates mentally.
First, adds the years, then multiplies the vinadis
divides the nalis. Marks the Dasa, the transits of the girahas.

Sips hot coffee in between. Energy renewed,
he works on the kattams. Places the planets in each one of the twelve boxes.
The ascendant or the Lagna is the starting point of the horoscope.

He studies the aspects, details them in a hardbound notebook.
He works on the horoscope for three days.
The life predictions were documented.

He smears turmeric on the edges of the notebook.
reads the salient features that include the pariharams


The family listens to him keenly.
He is an expert. He takes no reward.
Quoting him,
Accepting money from you is akin to selling my skill.
If I do that my foretelling skill would desert me".
He laughs.

Hope he would make it next year too.

[SivaRamanathan]

Meena
This is the first time I am commenting on your poem. Nice take on the 'Fixing the Horoscope.'
There is a tense change here which is not needed.
'The life predictions were documented.' 'The life predictions are documented.'
will do.
Hope this helps.

S

[SivaRamanathan]

Chinappa walks royal with a silver betel box.
It is a year since he came.
(Nice way to begin. I like this declarative opening. Two confidant sentences.)
The family greets him. He is their trusted astrologer

The next morning he is up.
Nice to see him with a dhoti around his waist.
His bare chest is smeared with ash.
He keeps munching the betel leaf,
spitting the juice in the spittoon.

Chinappa is at his job.
As goes the tradition (,) horoscopes are cast after the child's first birthday.


He sits erect (perhaps you could find another word) before the low desk ornated with brass.
A panchanga lies open.

He calculates mentally.
First, adds the years, then multiplies the vinadis
divides the nalis. Marks the Dasa, the transits of the girahas.

Sips hot coffee in between. Energy renewed,
he works on the kattams. Places the planets in each one of the twelve boxes.
The ascendant or the Lagna is the starting point of the horoscope.

He studies the aspects, details them in a hardbound notebook.
He works on the horoscope for three days.
The life predictions were(are) documented.

He smears turmeric on the edges of the notebook.
reads the salient features that include the pariharams


The family listens to him keenly.
He is an expert. He takes no reward.
Quoting him,
Accepting money from you is akin to selling my skill.
If I do that my foretelling skill would desert me".
He laughs.
Hope he would make it next year too.

I also like the pattern you have adopted. A couplet followed by a three line-stanza. Not a word de trop. This is anecdotal story telling.

[SivaRamanathan]

Still not figured out how to use the 'italics.'

S

[meenas17]

Thanks, Siva.
If I remember right you commented on my poem "Pavalamalli. That was quite some time ago.

I did miss out in the tenses.
I will edit in the revision.

Thanks once again.

Meena.

[FranktheFrank]

Maybe more it more succint this way:

[SivaRamanathan]

I prefer Meena's style to Frank's edit. The element of suspense is missing in Frank's edit. This is only my opinion, there is no need to get angry.
S


Frank
trial
I did not even notice the boxes above.
Thank you.

[FranktheFrank]

So.

[meenas17]

Frank, your version is classic.
Mine is Indianized and simple.
I will consider your edits and incorporate them as much as possible.

Meena.

[FranktheFrank]

As long as you find my posts helpful Meena I am content.

[SivaRamanathan]

Meena

I felt like I was reading Nissim Ezekiel. Indianized is not simple.Simple is sublime. I know what I am talking about.

S

[meenas17]

Siva, I understand. No ill feeling.
What I meant was the original English speakers find our speech or for that matter, our writing very different from theirs.

Indians, by nature, are simple. Our writing, reflects our culture, echoes the vernacular-- a lovely mix of west and east.

I agree with you Siva. Simple is sublime.

I read Nissim Ezekiel in my school days. His poems were regularly published in The Illustrated Weekly Of India.
His style depicts craftsmanship and intellectual approach to everyday life.

Thanks, Siva. I am overwhelmed.

Meena.

[SivaRamanathan]

I mostly agree with Frank's edits,and I am grateful for the selfless hours he spends in typing, but it is only here I think your original poem works;that is because of the 'pat','pat' short declarative sentences,and the longer three of four lines which are uniformly spaced throughout the poem. Where can I find your mail id?

S

[SOriz211]

Meenas, I really like this poem. My only thought is that there are too many stanzas. There are verses that belong together but you've set them apart.

SOrtiz

[SivaRamanathan]

SOriz211's suggestion can be taken.I think Meena has put each thought process into a separate stanza.

[BobBradshaw]

This is quite good, Meena. I love the details and the pictures you draw, as in:

Nice to see him with a dhoti around his waist.
His bare chest is smeared with ash.
He keeps munching the betel leaf,
spitting the juice in the spittoon.

the dhoti, the chest smeared with ash, the betel leaf....wonderful details

It's this wonderful attention to detail, putting the reader in the middle of another world, that is stellar....Also, the rhythm, the pace is strong, carrying us along....but the poem needs a stronger ending....a more emotional punch, maybe something to do with the forecast of the baby's future....

A very, very enjoyable poem....best

[meenas17]

Thanks, Bob.
I like your poems as well as your critique.
I will think of a strong ending and post the revision shortly.

Thanks.

Meena.

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