Coming Clean

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Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Coming Clean

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 18 Oct 2019, 10:19

Can't find my lighter. Again.
So I said I will call my son, Jordan.

Do you secretly come into
my house at night and move things?

Been hitting the Dewar's again, Pops?
I remember my notes from court

ordered Conflict Resolution:
When a person answers a question

with another question, they
are practicing deception.

Jordan. Do you remember when
you were a kid and & your little dog

Trixie ran away & and you cried
at the thought of her all alone &

scared, maybe eaten by wolves,
& I told you the Police called

& said she told them to tell me
to tell you she was safe & and

in South Carolina with
her new family? I lied.

Why can't they make a lighter
that comes when you whistle?

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Re: Coming Clean

#2 Post by judyt547 » 18 Oct 2019, 17:42

I like where this is heading, but it seems (at least to me) not there yet.

The second line is distracting. Do we need to know your son's name? How about something
less invasive, i.e., "I called my son."
Maybe quotes around the second stanza.
Quotes (or even just italics to show a different speaker) for Jordan's answer.

Beyond that it sorta unravels. I get the part about the dog, but it seems to not
connect to the premise of a question for a question, since obviously the question
is now, not then, and the air taken is out of it by saying, "I lied".

The pathos of the last two lines, however, is amazing.

Then again...

suggestion (and this is just a suggestion): try making the last two lines
the opening lines, and write it from that premise. Someone would HAVE to
read the rest of it, just to understand why the whistle/ why the lighter?

And good morning

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Coming Clean

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Oct 2019, 02:40

Excellent crit Judy. In all candor, I sometimes write what pops into my head at 3 am. Sometimes it turns into decent poem. I'm ok when it doesn't. Thank you .

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Coming Clean

#4 Post by judyt547 » 19 Oct 2019, 04:16

oh, I do the same thing. That's before the magic starts, but you gotta get it down, or it's gone forever. Sometimes I put the thing away, face down, and when it's time I take it out and start to scrub it. It's almost always a surprise. And that's half the fun.

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