Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

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Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 22 Oct 2019, 08:42

When sated, my lover flops
on her back, wipes her thin
mouth with the back of one hand.

"I would never bring a child
Into this world " she says.

Someone's hallelujah struggles
to rise, bumps and rustles
like a foil balloon caught
in the updraft of a ceiling fan.

From the upper rooms,
comes a murmur,
the unquiet tongues
of the saved.

Someone Else's Hallelujah
When sated, my lover flops
on her back, wipes her thin lips
with the back of one hand.

" I would never bring a child
Into this world, " she says.

Someone else's hallelujah struggles
to rise,, bumps and rustles
like a foil balloon caught
in the updraft of a ceiling fan.

Its cerulean ribbon twitches
like a tow-rope from Heaven.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1562
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Oct 2019, 09:32

Beautiful....your deft touch is at play again in this poem.

meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

#3 Post by meenas17 » 22 Oct 2019, 15:31

Good poem!
meenas17

judyt547
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Location: middle of the woods
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Re: Someone's Hallelujah

#4 Post by judyt547 » 23 Oct 2019, 06:27

I like the last two stanzas, the first two don't really seem to belong
to the rest. The word "gratuitous" rears its ugly head...
Maybe no comma after "rooms".

I love the image of "someone's hallelujah struggles to rise",
that could be a dynamite first line. =)

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 23 Oct 2019, 06:32

I u understand that. I may rework it ty.

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Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

#6 Post by Billy » 23 Oct 2019, 08:43

I was thinking this is about abortion, but what do I know. Then the first 2 stanzas make sense to me.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 23 Oct 2019, 11:23

That's a good interpretation. It's really more about a,fatalistic world view

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Oct 2019, 03:48

My final revision above. Thanks to Judy for z redirecting. If rather have a solid critic than praise.

The poem says exactly what I want it to say. That's my primary goal. If it's no good, I told my truth at least. 👍

meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

#9 Post by meenas17 » 24 Oct 2019, 07:26

Think you have done the maximum.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1562
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Oct 2019, 07:45

I like the tow rope image....I would stick "Somewhere" before "someone else's...."....

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

#11 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Oct 2019, 10:07

Just redid the whole thing Thanks

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