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Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

Posted: 22 Oct 2019, 08:42
by Kenneth2816
When sated, my lover flops
on her back, wipes her thin
mouth with the back of one hand.

"I would never bring a child
Into this world " she says.

Someone's hallelujah struggles
to rise, bumps and rustles
like a foil balloon caught
in the updraft of a ceiling fan.

From the upper rooms,
comes a murmur,
the unquiet tongues
of the saved.

Someone Else's Hallelujah
When sated, my lover flops
on her back, wipes her thin lips
with the back of one hand.

" I would never bring a child
Into this world, " she says.

Someone else's hallelujah struggles
to rise,, bumps and rustles
like a foil balloon caught
in the updraft of a ceiling fan.

Its cerulean ribbon twitches
like a tow-rope from Heaven.

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

Posted: 22 Oct 2019, 09:32
by BobBradshaw
Beautiful....your deft touch is at play again in this poem.

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

Posted: 22 Oct 2019, 15:31
by meenas17
Good poem!

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

Posted: 23 Oct 2019, 06:27
by judyt547
I like the last two stanzas, the first two don't really seem to belong
to the rest. The word "gratuitous" rears its ugly head...
Maybe no comma after "rooms".

I love the image of "someone's hallelujah struggles to rise",
that could be a dynamite first line. =)

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

Posted: 23 Oct 2019, 06:32
by Kenneth2816
I u understand that. I may rework it ty.

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

Posted: 23 Oct 2019, 08:43
by Billy
I was thinking this is about abortion, but what do I know. Then the first 2 stanzas make sense to me.

Re: Someone's Hallelujah

Posted: 23 Oct 2019, 11:23
by Kenneth2816
That's a good interpretation. It's really more about a,fatalistic world view

Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

Posted: 24 Oct 2019, 03:48
by Kenneth2816
My final revision above. Thanks to Judy for z redirecting. If rather have a solid critic than praise.

The poem says exactly what I want it to say. That's my primary goal. If it's no good, I told my truth at least. 👍

Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

Posted: 24 Oct 2019, 07:26
by meenas17
Think you have done the maximum.

Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

Posted: 24 Oct 2019, 07:45
by BobBradshaw
I like the tow rope image....I would stick "Somewhere" before "someone else's...."....

Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(

Posted: 24 Oct 2019, 10:07
by Kenneth2816
Just redid the whole thing Thanks