A Maze I Am In

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meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

A Maze I Am In

#1 Post by meenas17 » 24 Oct 2019, 07:26

The retinue around me
keeps vigil for what
I do not know,

They watch every move
and every deal with
uncanny insight,

I am neither extraordinary
nor foolish, in between both
a very ordinary one.

Those eyes behind my back
chases me wherever
I go.

I converse with very few,
even that is monitored.
with attention.

I move out even lesser
which is noted down
with timings.

I fix personnel for regular
chores, same gets thwarted,
somehow or other,

Questions resound now
and then, as where I am
and what I do?

Perhaps a trial to push
me out from the world
might be.

Can they do?
Never really.
I being strong.


Revision

I am in the midst
of relations in my
village,

the retinue around me
keeps vigil for what
I do not know,

could be a ploy
being one of deceit
to pin me down.

They watch every move
and every deal with
uncanny insight.

Obsessed with building
a new house lose track
of what happens,

A little about me
neither wise nor foolish
I fall in the mid range,

I do not get 'swayed
by money or rapport,
rely on my conscience,

refrain from seeking
unwanted gains, nor like
to tag with insincere ones.

Startled to find
eyes behind my back
chasing like a shadow,

my conversations
with a limited few is
monitored

I move out even less
that being noted
with timings,

hiring personnel '
for chores gets thwarted
somehow or other.

Hear questions
as where I am?
and what I do?

They resound,
in the background
I freeze.

All being done
with the one in mind
I am an hindrance,

they feel I am prickly
like a thorn, toppling
their progress.

Perhaps, they want
to push me
out of the world.

Mystery shrouds.
Can they do? I wonder
Not really, for they know
I am strong.
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: A Maze I Am In

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Oct 2019, 10:15

I detect some sort of power struggle. It would help if we had a hint of what. There are some very strong lines here. Might be s bit too reserved.

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: A Maze I Am In

#3 Post by judyt547 » 24 Oct 2019, 15:46

Agreed. The tenses and language need to be attended to, as well.


retinue/keeps not retinue-keep

"even lesser closely taken note with timings' simply doesn't compute

I'd say we need to know where you're coming from with this to know where
you're headed...

meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: A Maze I Am In

#4 Post by meenas17 » 24 Oct 2019, 20:50

I have posted a revision, Hope it reads better.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1562
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: A Maze I Am In

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Oct 2019, 21:13

I like the 1st version better...

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: A Maze I Am In

#6 Post by judyt547 » 25 Oct 2019, 02:30

It seems that the problem might just be that we have no idea where you are
or where you're headed in the poem, or out of it.
It's one thing to be the lost one in a poem, but the reader is in on it from
the start. They can empathize, throw rocks, or sympathize. But this one
seems bent on keeping the reader totally out of the picture, simply with obscurity.

In a way it's like being blindfolded and told to give directions on how to get there.
wherever there is.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: A Maze I Am In

#7 Post by Billy » 25 Oct 2019, 06:43

Just my editing, take or leave, it's your poem. I would like a more personal title.


The retinue around me keeps vigil
for what I don't know,

They watch every move, every deal
with uncanny insight,

I am neither extraordinary nor foolish,
in between both
a very ordinary one.

Those eyes behind my back
chase me wherever I go.

I converse with very few,
even that is monitored.

My travels noted down
with timings.

I fix personnel for regular
chores, same gets thwarted,
somehow or other,

Questions resound now
as where I am
and what I do?

Perhaps a trial to push
me out from the world.

meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: A Maze I Am In

#8 Post by meenas17 » 25 Oct 2019, 15:32

Bob, I too feel the first one is better.
The revision is not at all good.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: A Maze I Am In

#9 Post by meenas17 » 25 Oct 2019, 15:34

Judy, I do not know how to clear the obscurity.
I tried but failed.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: A Maze I Am In

#10 Post by meenas17 » 25 Oct 2019, 15:35

Billy,

Your editing has unwound the maze I am in .
The version is an improvement of the first.
I go with it.
Thanks,
meenas17

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