Joseph Haydn

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1559
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Joseph Haydn

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Oct 2019, 21:14

Joseph Haydn


School thrashings were regular,
expected, like prayers on Sunday.

Hunger was a constant,
like the quivering stars.

Joseph took singing jobs on off days,
because food was proffered

to the musicians, but when
his voice, like old paint,

began to crack,
he was kicked out of Choir School—

sixteen without money,
living in a room without a stove

in winter, and doggedly studying
composition between tutoring students

and singing in the streets.
Meats and pastries filled his head

and when Joseph’s parents suggested
joining the priesthood,

he seriously considered it.
After all, one must eat.

But a love for music
proved to be a greater hunger.

Surely one day his compositions
would be played—if he was lucky

in taverns, his wages paid
in bread and free beer.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Haydn

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Oct 2019, 22:09

Splendid. Is there a reason you use you instead of him? The words you or your appear 10 times in 13 couplets.
This is the only thing I see that bogs the piece

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Haydn

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Oct 2019, 22:15

BobBradshaw wrote:
24 Oct 2019, 21:14
Haydn


School thrashings were regular,
expected, like prayers on Sunday.

Hunger was a constant,
like the quivering stars.



There were singing jobs on off days,
because food was proffered

to the musicians, but when
The voice, like old paint,

began to crack,
you were kicked out of Choir School.

Sixteen without money,
living in a room without a stove

in winter, doggedly studying
composition between tutoring students

and singing in the streets.
Meats and pastries filled your head

and when the suggestion came
of joining the priesthood,

you seriously considered it.
How else to always

be fed? But a love for music
proved to be a greater hunger.

Surely one day your compositions
would be played—if you were lucky

in taverns, wages paid
in bread and free beer.
I took the liberty of reworded here and there to eliminate excessive pronouns.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1559
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Haydn

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Oct 2019, 00:39

Thanks, Ken.... I have change you to “he” instead of you and then I have Joseph and Haydn available as well.

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Re: Joseph Haydn

#5 Post by judyt547 » 25 Oct 2019, 02:25

I do like this. It moves down the page well, keeps the reader interested and informed at the same time. Not an easy task, sometimes.
And yeah, i like the change in pronoun. Still don't like the question thingy. =) One suggestion (take or leave, up to you)

"he seriously considered it.
How else to always

be fed?"

to:
"it was seriously considered.
One must eat, after all. "

Just for fun, try arranging this with triplets instead of two line stanzas. sometimes it's a way of re-seeing a piece,
since the emphasis shifts with the changes.

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Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Joseph Haydn

#6 Post by Billy » 25 Oct 2019, 06:45

I love so many of the images in this poem. The poem is better without all the pronouns.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1559
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Joseph Haydn

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Oct 2019, 08:57

Thanks, Billy....you're right.
Judy, thank you too. I've taken up one of your suggestions: "After all, one must eat."

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1181
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Joseph Haydn

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 25 Oct 2019, 23:04

Bob. I'm now leaning toward nom on this vs Elephant. Does it make a difference to you?

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1559
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Joseph Haydn

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Oct 2019, 23:09

No, either one is fine. Thank you, Ken....

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