The Nestling (rev2)

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capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

The Nestling (rev2)

#1 Post by capricorn » 26 Jan 2020, 03:58

The Nestling (revision 2)

Hunched over the breathless body
tumbled from its sycamore
cradle, her mind takes flight.

He arrived quietly, entwined.
Voices hushed, they rushed
him away in a hospital blanket.

One glimpse
no caress
no goodbye

The attic keeps her secret
for forty years, a white shawl
folded in a dusty crib

Laying the naked hatchling
in a tea carton, with marigolds
and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

Earth to earth
poppy seeds
scattered

Now buds bloom, crimson, she
wonders where he lies and what
he might have looked like.


---------------------------------------------
The Nestling (revision)

Hunched over the body
tumbled from its sycamore
cradle, her mind takes flight.

He arrived quietly, entwined,
voices hushed
they rushed him away

in a hospital blanket.
Just one glimpse,
no caress or goodbye.

The attic kept her secret,
a shawl folded in a tiny crib,
for forty years

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton.

Earth to earth

When sycamore seeds twizzle down,
she wonders where he lies today
and what he might have looked like.

---------------------------------------------
St2&3 was

He arrived quietly, entwined,
wrapped in a hospital blanket.
The room hushed

as they rushed him away
with one glimpse
no caress or goodbye.

----------------------------------------------------
The Nestling (original)

Crouched over the breathless body
tumbled from its sycamore cradle,
reminiscences flew back.

He arrived quietly entwined in his lifeline,
hurriedly wrapped in a hospital blanket.
Voices hushed, they rushed him away.

One glimpse
no caress
no goodbye

When mother-bird calls from empty twigs.
grief swoops, gripping vulture-like, ripping
as mortal cries combine with avian.

Laying the featherless flesh and bones
in a tea carton, lined with rosemary
and marigolds, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

The attic kept her secret for forty years;
teddies dance in the barren crib on a white
shawl crocheted by her grandmother.

Earth to earth
poppy seeds
scattered

When buds bloom, crumpled crimson
she wonders, what he might look like
today, where is his tiny body nestled?

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1534
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Nestling

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Jan 2020, 10:22

I like the metaphor. This poignant and unusual story works....nit: I don't know if you need entwined and wrapped both.

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Nestling

#3 Post by capricorn » 27 Jan 2020, 03:34

BobBradshaw wrote:
26 Jan 2020, 10:22
I like the metaphor. This poignant and unusual story works....nit: I don't know if you need entwined and wrapped both.
Good catch, Bob, I have rearranged those 2 stanzas which seems to help.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1534
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Nestling

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Jan 2020, 21:23

Either way, just a superb piece

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1534
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Nestling

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Jan 2020, 21:05

Eira, let me know whether you would like this poem or the Christmas poem nominated....

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Nestling

#6 Post by capricorn » 29 Jan 2020, 03:32

BobBradshaw wrote:
28 Jan 2020, 21:05
Eira, let me know whether you would like this poem or the Christmas poem nominated....
Thanks Bob. My Christmas poem went in November (although it has been revised recently) I think I'll hold onto it and send it off somewhere nearer next Xmas.
This poem would be better. I have been looking at it again and want to bring back a few details I've missed out in revision. Please let me know if anything looks wrong now. Just going to post now

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1534
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Feb 2020, 22:53

Eira, you need to post this on the nomination page for ibpc

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

#8 Post by capricorn » 02 Feb 2020, 02:37

BobBradshaw wrote:
01 Feb 2020, 22:53
Eira, you need to post this on the nomination page for ibpc
Thanks Bob, I didn't realise it had been seconded

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

#9 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Feb 2020, 20:43

Eira

I seconded.I thought it was understood. Wish you all the best.Though I did not comment I have been following your revisions,which is a good exercise.

Siva

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

#10 Post by capricorn » 15 Feb 2020, 23:05

SivaRamanathan wrote:
02 Feb 2020, 20:43
Eira

I seconded.I thought it was understood. Wish you all the best.Though I did not comment I have been following your revisions,which is a good exercise.

Siva
No problem Siva - I just didn't want to break any rules :D

Eira

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