Separation

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1534
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Separation

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 Mar 2020, 06:19

V2:

Separation


Conjoined at the hip and chest,
we were partners in a slow dance.

Though our parents were divorced,
we never knew loneliness.

When talk of separation came up
we looked at each other

the way a pilot and co-pilot
in a piper plane do

when flying at low altitude,
and the engine stalls.

Our parents chatted up the joy
of jumping puddles, and weeks later

I awoke to my brother lying in a bed
next to mine. His full face

clearly seen for the first time.
And when Brady turned his back

and strode the hospital hall without me
I saw my future.

To this day I know when he feels ill--
I take to my bed. And when he's happy

I'm happy. Brady remains
as close to me as my chest scar.

When I'm sad I run my finger over it
and imagine, again, feeling whole



V1:
Conjoined Twins Go Their Separate Ways


Conjoined at the hip and chest,
we were partners in a slow dance.

Though our parents were divorced,
we never knew loneliness.

When talk of separation came up
we looked at each other

the way a pilot and co-pilot
in a piper plane do

when flying at low altitude,
and the engine stalls.

Our parents chatted up the joy
of jumping puddles, and weeks later

I awoke to my brother lying in a bed
next to mine. His full face

clearly seen for the first time.
And when Brady turned his back

and strode the hospital hall without me
I saw my future.

To this day I know when he feels ill--
I take to my bed. And when he's happy

I'm happy. Brady remains
as close to me as my chest scar.

When I'm sad I run my finger over it
and imagine feeling whole

once more

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1610
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Conjoined Twins Go Their Separate Ways

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 14 Mar 2020, 01:10

Bob,

I read this when you first posted.
Couldn't respond then; short on time now.

Must say this:

Strong at each level and in toto.

A poem powerful w/out the explosives.

At this time, I hope this will represent the WB for the April IBPC.

And I'm returning w/ a fine-tune workshopping - consider that too long and telling title - the poem is so accomplished & engaging that that issue is overlooked - yet being optimistic, when the poem finds a home, why let it be curated in the archive with that revealng line-length title - even more rewarding to future readers to discover by experience of the poem.

"conjoined" the 1st word in the title & then in the text -

when that word doesn't even need to be a part of the poem at all

What a joy to read your poetry - Thanks, Bob, for being a cyber-neighbor in poetry on the block(WB)

🤓 😎

Michael (MV)

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1610
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Conjoined Twins Go Their Separate Ways

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 14 Mar 2020, 05:24

remember (re member)

In this poem, to "remember" is to "imagine, " and then "re member:re join."

When I'm sad I run my finger over it
and remember, again, feeling whole

^^ recasted as above, "once more" ' would now not be needed

Bob, have you maybe considered a one-word title: "Separation " - it relates to all readings, from the subtext up

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1534
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Conjoined Twins Go Their Separate Ways

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Mar 2020, 06:27

Thanks, Michael.... especially for your enthusiastic support. It means a lot.

I like the idea of “Separation” for the title.
And I also like your improvement for the last line.

Yes. I’d appreciate a nom for April.
Again, much thanks!
Bob

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