Paperfall (plus an extended title)

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Paperfall (plus an extended title)

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 27 Mar 2020, 22:05

Paperfall- (plus an extended title)
The speed of the falling paper
cascades in an arc.

Speechless, a Japanese girl sits
outside the attic window
shredding paper.

Her performance of white cataract
matches her fluffy gown.

The sound of paper flows
and forms a mound on the ground,

as a tributary of paper-river
trickles down its own chosen path.

The asylum hides sharp edges.
Yet, intense and steadfast,
the girl holds scissors in her hand.

Intense and serene, she balances
the real and the surreal.

She’s addicted to shredding and
the slashing whoosh of scissors.

~
I look at the mansion,
its pale blue windows,

an idyllic wooden step ladder
which, inviting, leans on a stone wall

and suddenly find myself
in another stratosphere
sitting next to her.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------












1
The speed of the falling paper
cascades in an arc.

The Japanese girl
shredding A4 paper is speechless.

Her performance of white cataract
matching her fluffy gown.

11
Lady! Looking so intense
steadfast with scissors

amplified sound that paperflows
and pyramids as a cone,

on the ground, a thin trickle
tributary of paper-river, the chosen path.

Sachico Abe sits atop a building
letting fall feathery strands width of 0.5. mm.

For fifteen years she has meditated thus.
The asylum my mother was in, hid the sharp pointed.

Is this real or surreal, such serene mental balance
meditation that only the innocent can get addicted to.

I look at the house and the paint
she has to be outside, so she can be watched.

‘Shredding’ is being amplified into speakers,
it is the sound of slashing scissors.

Feathery strands of vanilla
transport to an alternate universe.

iii
I re- look at the stone mansion
at the pale blue windows.

There is a step ladder—
wooden and idyllic.

I visited the Mission hospital once as a child
Amma was laid out post shock on a stretcher

I thought I was in a mortuary.
That night I never slept.

https://mymodernmet.com/sachiko-abe-cut-paper/

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Paperfall (Reworked)

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 27 Mar 2020, 22:07

I am going to change this also.The shift in the focus,is not what I want.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1529
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Paperfall (Reworked)

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Mar 2020, 22:14

I will comment later, when I have access to a computer. Right now I only have a phone.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1529
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Paperfall (Reworked)

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Mar 2020, 02:18

Ok, first off...I like the change in ending...it's much more emotional. We need to make sure the reader sees the connection with Amma's "Mission Hospital" and the artist's asylum.
Trimming and more precise language at places will improve the poem....I have a quick 1st draft for you to consider, as a starting point only...take what's useful, disregard what isn't....

Phrases like "hid the sharp pointed" are confusing. For me "alternate universe" to a lesser degree is....but to others it may mean something....a place of calm would mean more to me than an abstraction like alternate universe, but I left it in anyway.

I took out the 1st reference to speakers since you bring amplifiers up later. Certain phrases like "the chosen path" don't work for me, but again for others such phrases as this one and alternate universe may work. It depends on your audience.

This stanza below is wordy...is there a way to simplify this? For example, for l1 could you substitute "Is such serene mental balance surreal"... What concerns me is that I don't know what that "mental balance" is...which mental states is she trying to balance? Could you clarify that somehow? Maybe tell us why she started meditating...was there some trauma or unhappiness that led her to seek it out?

Is this real or surreal, such serene mental balance,
meditation that only the innocent can get addicted to?


1
The speed of the falling paper
cascades in an arc.

The Japanese girl
shredding A4 paper is speechless.

Her performance of white cataract
matching her fluffy gown.

11
Lady! Looking so intense
steadfast with scissors

on the ground, a tributary
of paper-river, the chosen path.

Sachico Abe sits atop a building
letting fall feathery strands widths of 0.5. mm.

For fifteen years she has meditated thus,
beginning in the asylum my mother was in .

Is this real or surreal, such serene mental balance,
meditation that only the innocent can get addicted to?

Her “shredding” is amplified through speakers,
the sound of slashing scissors

as feathery strands of vanilla
transport us to an alternate universe.

iii
I re- look at the stone mansion,
at the pale blue windows.

There is a step ladder—
wooden and idyllic.

I visited the Mission hospital once as a child
Amma was laid out post shock on a stretcher

I thought I was in a mortuary.
That night I never slept.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Paperfall (Reworked)

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Mar 2020, 14:32

Your editing helps, to start with. Did you click on the link and see? am thinking of taking away the personal and treating it like an Ekpharistic piece.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1529
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Paperfall (Reworked)

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Mar 2020, 21:32

Yeah, I'm familiar with the photo...it's a great shot. You should try to do it as an ekphrastic piece....see how it works out.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Paperfall (Reworked)

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 29 Mar 2020, 20:23

Paperfall- (plus an extended title)

The speed of the falling paper

cascades in an arc.



Speechless, a Japanese girl sits

outside the attic window

shredding paper.



Her performance of white cataract

matches her fluffy gown.



The sound of paper flows

and forms a mound on the ground,



as a tributary of paper-river

trickles down its own chosen path.



The asylum hides sharp edges.

Yet, intense and steadfast,

the girl holds scissors in her hand.



Intense and serene, she balances

the real and the surreal.



She’s addicted to shredding and

the slashing whoosh of scissors.



~



I look at the mansion,

its pale blue windows,



an idyllic wooden step ladder

which, inviting, leans on a stone wall



and suddenly find myself

in another stratosphere

sitting next to her.



.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1529
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Paperfall (plus an extended title)

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 30 Mar 2020, 22:25

This is much better than previous versions. I like the clean, shorter lines as well. I know you’re still working on this, and I look forward to your next revision.

Question: why do have so many blank lines?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Paperfall (plus an extended title)

#9 Post by SivaRamanathan » 31 Mar 2020, 06:10

Bob.thanks.I copy pasted from a web page instead of copy pasting from word.

S

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Paperfall (plus an extended title)

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 31 Mar 2020, 08:51

I think the last stanza puts the poem onto a different level altogether.
S

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