At The End Of Loss
At The End Of Loss
revised 2:
At The End Of Loss
Upside down in bed
heaving through life,
the hidden observer
hasn't fallen out, yet.
Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit,
he needs to listen
without the filter of
he ain't good enough.
They always say too much,
think they've done a
kindness. What could it
hurt to send the poor
man on his way, deluded.
He's deluded anyway.
Here come the seagulls
who could care less
about his pitiful life.
His scraps their bounty.
Sometimes the very bite
he's about to take.
revised:
He's At The End Of Loss
Upside down in bed
heaving through life,
he hasn't fallen out, yet.
Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit.
He needs to listen
without the filter
of he ain't good enough.
They always say too much,
think they've done a
kindness. What could it
hurt to send the poor
man on his way, deluded.
He's deluded anyway.
Nothing will change that.
Here come the seagulls
who could care less
about his pitiful life.
His scraps their bounty.
Sometimes the very bite
he's about to take.
He's At The End Of Loss
Heaving through this life,
upside down in bed,
hasn't fallen out, yet.
Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit.
He needs to listen
without the filter
of I ain't good enough.
They always say too much,
think they've done a
kindness. What could it
hurt to send the poor
man on his way, deluded.
He's deluded anyway.
Nothing will change that.
Here come the seagulls
who could care less
about his pitiful life.
His scraps their bounty.
Sometimes the very bite
he's about to take.
At The End Of Loss
Upside down in bed
heaving through life,
the hidden observer
hasn't fallen out, yet.
Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit,
he needs to listen
without the filter of
he ain't good enough.
They always say too much,
think they've done a
kindness. What could it
hurt to send the poor
man on his way, deluded.
He's deluded anyway.
Here come the seagulls
who could care less
about his pitiful life.
His scraps their bounty.
Sometimes the very bite
he's about to take.
revised:
He's At The End Of Loss
Upside down in bed
heaving through life,
he hasn't fallen out, yet.
Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit.
He needs to listen
without the filter
of he ain't good enough.
They always say too much,
think they've done a
kindness. What could it
hurt to send the poor
man on his way, deluded.
He's deluded anyway.
Nothing will change that.
Here come the seagulls
who could care less
about his pitiful life.
His scraps their bounty.
Sometimes the very bite
he's about to take.
He's At The End Of Loss
Heaving through this life,
upside down in bed,
hasn't fallen out, yet.
Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit.
He needs to listen
without the filter
of I ain't good enough.
They always say too much,
think they've done a
kindness. What could it
hurt to send the poor
man on his way, deluded.
He's deluded anyway.
Nothing will change that.
Here come the seagulls
who could care less
about his pitiful life.
His scraps their bounty.
Sometimes the very bite
he's about to take.
-
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: He's At The End Of Loss
I like this tough characterization. This is the meat of the poem for me...the filter part is fab.
Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit.
He needs to listen
without the filter
of I ain't good enough.
Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit.
He needs to listen
without the filter
of I ain't good enough.
-
- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: He's At The End Of Loss
Hi Billy,
In accord with Bob and Yes the filter is "fab"
Workshop for the opening:
1/ consider switching the initial 2 lines; the upside
image is more dynamic
2/ all pronoun "he" throughout; an antecedent is needed, and the opening is the place to make the acquaintance of the subject(who is "he?) -
from
"Heaving through this life,
upside down in bed,
hasn't fallen out, yet."
to
Upside down in bed,
heaving through this life,
[an antecedent] hasn't fallen out, yet.
And, too. the title is creative in its wording; yet
maybe more so streamed to
At The End Of Loss
Michael (MV)
In accord with Bob and Yes the filter is "fab"
Workshop for the opening:
1/ consider switching the initial 2 lines; the upside
image is more dynamic
2/ all pronoun "he" throughout; an antecedent is needed, and the opening is the place to make the acquaintance of the subject(who is "he?) -
from
"Heaving through this life,
upside down in bed,
hasn't fallen out, yet."
to
Upside down in bed,
heaving through this life,
[an antecedent] hasn't fallen out, yet.
And, too. the title is creative in its wording; yet
maybe more so streamed to
At The End Of Loss
Michael (MV)
Re: He's At The End Of Loss
Thanks Bob
Thanks Michael, good suggestions
Thanks Michael, good suggestions
-
- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: He's At The End Of Loss
Not wanting to be guilty of reading more than is there, this is a pretty grim piece on self doubt.
-
- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: He's At The End Of Loss
Hi Billy,
Re the revised:
This reader-workshopper is still left wondering -
Who is "he," the subject of the poem?
^^ a relative, a friend, a patient(upside down on a hospice bed)?
Michael (MV) with a sincere inquiry b/c I believe an antecedent will dimentionalize the narrative
Re the revised:
This reader-workshopper is still left wondering -
Who is "he," the subject of the poem?
^^ a relative, a friend, a patient(upside down on a hospice bed)?
Michael (MV) with a sincere inquiry b/c I believe an antecedent will dimentionalize the narrative
-
- Posts: 127
- Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11
Re: He's At The End Of Loss
Hi All
I have been following this thread.
Waiting for the final change.
Siva
I have been following this thread.
Waiting for the final change.
Siva
Re: At The End Of Loss
Thanks Michael, I revised
Thanks Ken, Siva
Thanks Ken, Siva