At The End Of Loss

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

At The End Of Loss

#1 Post by Billy » 11 Oct 2020, 08:01

revised 2:

At The End Of Loss

Upside down in bed
heaving through life,
the hidden observer

hasn't fallen out, yet.
Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit,

he needs to listen
without the filter of
he ain't good enough.

They always say too much,
think they've done a
kindness. What could it

hurt to send the poor
man on his way, deluded.
He's deluded anyway.

Here come the seagulls
who could care less
about his pitiful life.

His scraps their bounty.
Sometimes the very bite
he's about to take.




revised:

He's At The End Of Loss

Upside down in bed
heaving through life,
he hasn't fallen out, yet.

Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit.
He needs to listen

without the filter
of he ain't good enough.
They always say too much,

think they've done a
kindness. What could it
hurt to send the poor

man on his way, deluded.
He's deluded anyway.
Nothing will change that.

Here come the seagulls
who could care less
about his pitiful life.

His scraps their bounty.
Sometimes the very bite
he's about to take.



He's At The End Of Loss

Heaving through this life,
upside down in bed,
hasn't fallen out, yet.

Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit.
He needs to listen

without the filter
of I ain't good enough.
They always say too much,

think they've done a
kindness. What could it
hurt to send the poor

man on his way, deluded.
He's deluded anyway.
Nothing will change that.

Here come the seagulls
who could care less
about his pitiful life.

His scraps their bounty.
Sometimes the very bite
he's about to take.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: He's At The End Of Loss

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Oct 2020, 08:31

I like this tough characterization. This is the meat of the poem for me...the filter part is fab.

Clothed in the attire
of couldn't give a shit.
He needs to listen

without the filter
of I ain't good enough.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: He's At The End Of Loss

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 11 Oct 2020, 19:31

Hi Billy,

In accord with Bob and Yes the filter is "fab"


Workshop for the opening:

1/ consider switching the initial 2 lines; the upside
image is more dynamic

2/ all pronoun "he" throughout; an antecedent is needed, and the opening is the place to make the acquaintance of the subject(who is "he?) -

from

"Heaving through this life,
upside down in bed,
hasn't fallen out, yet."

to

Upside down in bed,
heaving through this life,
[an antecedent] hasn't fallen out, yet.

And, too. the title is creative in its wording; yet
maybe more so streamed to

At The End Of Loss


😎

Michael (MV)

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Billy
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: He's At The End Of Loss

#4 Post by Billy » 11 Oct 2020, 22:42

Thanks Bob

Thanks Michael, good suggestions

Kenneth2816
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: He's At The End Of Loss

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 12 Oct 2020, 14:06

Not wanting to be guilty of reading more than is there, this is a pretty grim piece on self doubt.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: He's At The End Of Loss

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 12 Oct 2020, 17:49

Hi Billy,

Re the revised:

This reader-workshopper is still left wondering -

Who is "he," the subject of the poem?

^^ a relative, a friend, a patient(upside down on a hospice bed)?

Michael (MV) with a sincere inquiry b/c I believe an antecedent will dimentionalize the narrative

RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

Re: He's At The End Of Loss

#7 Post by RamanathanSiva » 12 Oct 2020, 21:27

Hi All
I have been following this thread.
Waiting for the final change.
Siva

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: At The End Of Loss

#8 Post by Billy » 22 Oct 2020, 22:21

Thanks Michael, I revised

Thanks Ken, Siva

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