When Silver-Mountain Set out to Study

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RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

When Silver-Mountain Set out to Study

#1 Post by RamanathanSiva » 12 Oct 2020, 18:07

When Silver-Mountain Set out to Study

The scorpion found fossilized
buried between the pressed pages
of a thick, ancient notebook
in the flesh was a god find.

The Tamil song sung by M.G.R.
in his nonchalant fashion
was in full blast when Silver-Mountain
threw back his knapsack across his shoulder,
crossed the threshold of the house
not bothering to turn back,
deliberately.

Olimayamana Ethirkalam
Enn Ullathil Theikiradhu
.
Now the same song is on his lips.

I did not know of these omens.
In Kerala we children pressed peacock feathers
in between the pages of a book
and often checked up to see if the hairs
had produced baby hairs,little hair-lets.
We believed they could reproduce.

Dead scorpions as a good omen
If I had known this, I would not have had any qualms
about killing a scorpion and putting it there.
The finding could have been a mere play.

Siva

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dead scorpion,
found between the pages of a book
pressed, killed dead,
shut, dried , dessicated
was a god find.
Who can share his good fortune?
Let us see what happens when our hero sets out.
~
A Tamil song was in the air. Full blast.
Olimayamana Ethirkalam
Enn Ullathil Theikiradhu.
a song sung by M.G.R.
in his nonchalant fashion.
~
My man Silver-Mountain throws his knapsack
across his shoulder
and crosses the threshold
of the house not bothering to turn back
deliberately.
Now the song is on his lips.
~
What can he do about having to take his Intermediate thrice?
Memories left behind. What can he do about going to do his B.Com
In Rock Fort town of Trichy? What can he do
but sing.
the same song sung by our Tamil hero again and again?
These are anecdotes narrated to me
Which were quite alien to me.

Nostalgia is like the pregnant spider I learnt to kill
way back when I was taking my bath at the Manacaud house
in Trivandrum, with a coconut broom stick.
~
I did not mind
that the female spider was pregnant,
of spider eggs spilling from its eight legged belly
and fluid in reptiles. I would wake up
dreaming
~
The cook had poisoned my tomato subji, I am in Linda’s class
and I would wretch with memory
searching for poison
it is not what children should be aware of.
~
What do you understand from this narrated story ?
My husband is superstitious and I, pragmatic.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: When Silver-Mountain Set out to Study

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 13 Oct 2020, 22:53

Wow. It's a great poem Siva. I can't find anything to suggest.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: When Silver-Mountain Set out to Study

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Oct 2020, 00:28

I like how you have stretched yourself in this poem, taking a different approach in your narrative. I enjoyed the nonchalant singing of the Tamil song, and Silver-Mountain. The opening can be tighter...why tell us a "dead scorpion" is "killed dead", and if it's dessicated maybe "dried" isn't needed. Small nits.

I'm not sure why the poisoning of the tomato subji is introduced near the end. And what is Linda's class? Should it be part of the same sentence as "The cook..."? Though interesting it makes the poem a bit more disjointed.

This stanza can be trimmed a bit..."spider" only needs mentioning once, & you can simply say "belly" instead of "eight legged belly".

I did not mind
that the female spider was pregnant,
of spider eggs spilling from its eight legged belly
and fluid in reptiles. I would wake up
dreaming

The most enjoyable parts of the poem center around the singing. Maybe you should emphasize the singing more and the gruesome parts less? Just a thought.

I like the details, like the coconut broom stick. And I liked this stanza a lot...it has a simple charm to it:

My man Silver-Mountain throws his knapsack
across his shoulder
and crosses the threshold
of the house not bothering to turn back
deliberately.
Now the song is on his lips.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: When Silver-Mountain Set out to Study

#4 Post by Billy » 15 Oct 2020, 07:33

I agree totally with Bob's suggestions and I too liked the coconut broom stick and the details he mentioned.

RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

Re: When Silver-Mountain Set out to Study

#5 Post by RamanathanSiva » 16 Oct 2020, 18:21

Thank you Bob and Billy.
I will start working on it.
Siva

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: When Silver-Mountain Set out to Study

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 18 Oct 2020, 19:00

Hi Siva,

For example, the 1st stanza is adjective-laden; and the last 2 lines:

"Who can share his good fortune?
Let us see what happens when our hero sets out."

^^ are editorial, not at home in a poem.

Workshop-share for the opening:

Buried between the pressed pages
of a thick, ancient book,
the scorpion found fossilized
in the flesh was a god find.

Siva, I hope this serves as a workshop guide for the rest of this long form poem 🐕

Michael (MV) 😎 a scorpio who turns 63 in a few weeks

RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

Re: When Silver-Mountain Set out to Study

#7 Post by RamanathanSiva » 18 Oct 2020, 20:13

Thank you Michael. Will take this as a cue.

Siva

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