The Trouble I’ve Seen

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

The Trouble I’ve Seen

#1 Post by Billy » 13 Feb 2021, 23:19

The Trouble I’ve Seen

Indigo is the color of dusk
when the crows settle
one by one in bare branches.

Light gleams on wings
like leftovers from heaven.
Unease ruffles the murder

like a wave from a stadium
brimming with fans cheering
for the next fallen hero.

Win or lose dependent
upon the amount of blood
shed on the killing field.

BobBradshaw
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Trouble I’ve Seen

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Feb 2021, 22:13

I like the writing...."like leftovers from heaven"...the last stanza though isn't as strong as I hoped for.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Trouble I’ve Seen

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 15 Feb 2021, 01:04

Hi Billy,

A crow poem - a return flight to Ted Hughes

Workshop last stanza as

Win or lose dependent
upon how much blood
shed on the killing field.

Or

Win or lose dependent
upon how much blood
left on the killing field.


😎

Michael (MV)

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Billy
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: The Trouble I’ve Seen

#4 Post by Billy » 15 Feb 2021, 02:59

Thanks Bob and Michael, not much of a poem, I posted it by accident.

I like your suggestion michael

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Billy
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Re: The Trouble I’ve Seen

#5 Post by Billy » 15 Feb 2021, 05:40

That improved it, Michael, but Bob’s probably right about the last stanza, it’s weak.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Trouble I’ve Seen

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 15 Feb 2021, 17:50

Billy,

Don't underestimate this poem.

It's potent in content & craft.

"Light gleams on wings
like leftovers from heaven."

^^ Swinburne's "Lucifer in Starlight" comes to mind.


When the poem writes its finale, then it will be a keeper: a submission for pub credit; a contender for competition.


😎

Michael (MV)

Billy wrote:
15 Feb 2021, 02:59
Thanks Bob and Michael, not much of a poem, I posted it by accident.

I like your suggestion michael

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Trouble I’ve Seen

#7 Post by meenas17 » 15 Feb 2021, 19:55

Billy,
I agree with Michael, The poem has a lot of potential.
Makes one think,
meenas17

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